An Affair to be Billed For...

Unfortunately, infidelity is as old as the institution it undermines. As long as human connections thrive on loyalty and trust, they will susceptible to the decay of betrayal in whatever form it manifests itself. That being said, a broad commentary on the current state of monogamous relationships is beyond the scope of this piece. Instead, I wish to illuminate the efficiency with which our lapses in morality can be turned to profit, particularly on the Internet.

Although verifiable information on infidelity is scarce (not exactly something people are forthcoming about) most estimates are that between 30 – 60% of married individuals will participate in an affair during the course of the relationship. In the face of such sobering statistics, some have chosen to turn cheating into a recreational activity. Gone are the days when you need only concern yourself with threats posed by your spouse’s attractive coworkers (although interoffice affairs still constitute a sobering 36% of the whole) instead all of cyberspace has come into play.

Entrepreneurs like Noel Biderman have turned our propensity toward infidelity into a successful business model. As the founder and CEO of Ashleymadison.com, a moniker derived from the two most popular female baby names the year he started the company, he has turned affairs into big business. Boasting over 5 million active members, it is the Internet’s largest “married dating and affairs” web service. Their television spots are outrageous enough to be banned from the Super Bowl and the company reportedly offered Tiger Woods 5 million to be their new spokesperson.

The site makes money by charging you for “credits” which are used to communicate with potential partners. If you opt for the $249 high-roller package, they guarantee that you will have an affair or your money will be refunded in full. The idea seems to be popular as the site has reportedly produced profits in excess of $20 million dollars and continues to grow exponentially every year. Biderman, a former sports agent, got the idea after reading that up to 30% of all online dating profiles were married people lying about their status to seek out extramarital sexual partners. His philosophy is, “Why lie about it?”

When pressed about the ethical implications of his business, Biderman responded, “I’m not going to convince anybody to have an affair in a 30-second TV spot. I’m just cannibalizing a human behavior that’s been around as long as marriage itself.” Ironically Mr. Biderman is married with two children, and when asked how he would feel if his wife used his site he replied that he would be “devastated.” In short, Mr. Biderman feels that there is an important distinction between condoning an action and generating revenue from it.

Is Biderman justified in his ethical reasoning? Is there anything wrong with creating a more efficient delivery system for behavior that would continue to occur with or without his presence?

I asked an impromptu panel of my co-workers (all male) how they felt about these very questions and the response was mixed. About half felt that since the service was perfectly legal and the customers would not patronize the business if they had not already decided to have an affair, there was nothing wrong with making an honest living from it.

The other half disagreed and cited the possibility that the prevalence and convenience of the service might be the tipping point for someone who was on the fence about infidelity and otherwise might have remained faithful.

To be fair, Biderman’s site is not the only one in the game; his is just the most popular and well-marketed. There are hundreds of sites that provide the same services and were he to close up shop they would be more than happy to snatch up his table scraps. Perhaps even more telling is the fact that relatively benign social networking sites have begun to shoulder some of the responsibility concerning infidelity. A recent study published in the U.K. Telegraph found that 20% of recent divorce cases cited Facebook in their paperwork as at least a “contributing factor” to the split.  

Of course, it could be argued that we are reading the statistics backwards. That infidelity and marital decay are not caused by these websites, these websites just happen to be the current forum for pre-existing marital issues to manifest themselves. Perhaps the problems run deeper than that. Are the majority of marriages doomed from the beginning? Has the institution become hopelessly archaic and irrelevant?

Certainly the statistics are not encouraging:

·         43% of first marriages will end in divorce

·         60% of second marriages will end in divorce

·         73% of third marriages will end in divorce

It was interesting to note that once a person experienced the dissolution of their first marriage, any subsequent forays into the institution were even less likely to succeed. Why is that? Many of us would assume that in most cases of multiple marriages the initial union failed due to inexperience and immaturity of the participants. Maybe they married young and were ill-prepared to identify the qualities they needed in a long-term mate. Maybe their unrealistic expectations of a marital relationship doomed the pairing from the start.

While there are certainly instances where that was the case, the statistics indicate that such cases are in the minority. After all, if inexperience and immaturity was the issue I think we could safely assume that a person’s next wedding would be the product of intense scrutiny and careful deliberation thereby eliminating these culprits. Instead, in many cases it seems that once a person experiences their initial disillusionment with marriage any confidence in its long time viability is irrevocably tarnished. In other words, both participants start the marriage all too prepared for its demise.

Despite the grim outlook painted by statisticians and reality television, I personally believe that marriage is just as relevant and viable now as ever. For the past 6 ½ years I have had the privilege of being married to an amazing woman. For those of you who read these entries, she is the only reason that I am able to maintain even the thinnest façade of grammatical competence. I say this because she proofreads every one of my ravings with a level of care that far exceeds their literary value, and for that, among countless other things, I am truly grateful. I cannot imagine my life without her, and I cannot imagine me without us.

Marriage is not and will not be easy, but the rewards of a committed monogamous relationship cannot be distributed under any other circumstance. It is a unique package deal, and one that is equally adept at causing the same wounds it can so miraculously heal.

Tea Party

This weekend my home state hosted the first ever Tea Party Convention. For those who don’t know, The Tea Party movement began as a series of protests over the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. At nearly $800 Billion Dollars, the A.R.R.A. is largest government bailout since the last government bailout, which was a $178 Billion Dollar stimulus package passed in 2008. Most Americans remember the 2008 package as “the time I got $1,200 for being married.” At any rate, it is crucial to disambiguate the A.R.R.A with the money allocated to General Motors, AIG, and other private industries. These funds came from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (T.A.R.P.) which was signed into existence on October 3, 2008 by then President Bush and later utilized by the Obama administration to issue loans to the above mentioned corporations.

The A.R.R.A funds were generally doled out as tax cuts, supplements for COBRA and Medicaid, and to extend unemployment benefits. To be fair, it also includes the obligatory pork, like $100 million to help remove lead paint from public housing, and Tea Party members felt that such measures were needlessly deepening the national debt and took to the streets in protest. This self proclaimed “grassroots” movement culminated last week with the Tea Party Convention, a three day extravaganza featuring Sarah Palin as the keynote speaker. The event was to be a gathering of “regular folks” who wished to discuss issues like smaller government, protecting freedoms, and modest spending.

I agree with many of their points concerning overspending (this is capitalism, let GM plug their own leaks) but I was disturbed by several items that emerged from the convention:

·         For a movement concerned with overspending and “regular folk” perhaps you shouldn’t charge $549 a person. It is rather tough when you are giving interested citizens the choice between attending a convention and making the monthly payment on their Honda Odyssey.

·          There is no organization. One of the mantras of the gathering was that the movement did not need a leader or even a hierarchical structure to accomplish their goals. Phil Valentine was quoted as saying "The tea-party movement has no leader, and ... neither did the American Revolution!”The historical ignorance of this statement is somewhat frightening considering our war efforts were lead by then commander-in-chief George Washington who was given that position by the Second Continental Congress. Someone is always in charge, whether you see them or not.

·         Palin was reportedly paid $100,000 for delivering her speech; a sum she now insists will flow back into the “movement” which has no financial oversight in place due to the previously mentioned disdain for centralization. She also undermined her own message by negatively alluding to Obama’s use of a teleprompter while referring to the talking points written on her own hand.

·         Make some goals. So far the biggest accomplishment of the Tea Party Movement is elevating the projected revenue for the Opryland Hotel and Convention Center. Will this be a new political party? An emphatic no. Will there be a lobbying group in place to repeal unwanted legislation? There is no leadership to spearhead it. Can we elect Congressional delegates to represent the views of the group? There isn’t any. Will this movement prevent me from receiving pointless text messages from AT&T? We can only pray….

While some of the intentions of the movement may be honorable, I am wary of any group that takes donations but refuses to implement a system to make decisions on how that money is allocated. If there is one thing we do not need, it is another rudderless movement with a corny theme song.

On a personal note, if I have to hear the word “grassroots” used in a political context one more time I might seriously contemplate Canadian citizenship. I have decided that in the next election I will vote for the candidate that uses these phrases the least:

·         Grassroots

·         Main Street

·         Reaching Across The Aisle

·         Everyday People

·         Synergy

·         Bipartisan

·         Special Interest Groups

The Handyman

There are men in this world that proudly bear the title of “handyman,” men whose calloused hands and tireless ingenuity are every bit as defining as their hair color or last name. When lesser men reach for the yellow pages, they reach for their angle grinders. They have been known to wander listlessly around their homes, cordless drill in hand, muttering “Just give me a reason.”

That tile backsplash?  

It took me a mere Saturday afternoon….

The Mediterranean-style solarium with the retractable roof?

Well, our cable was out for a few days and I was bored…

 My 2009 Ford Expedition?

It used to be a go-cart…

When the going gets tough, they just switch drill-bits. It is at this point I must confess that I am not one of those men. Any ingenuity that I wield is the result of staunch frugality paired with occasional good fortune. The following story involves neither.

About a year after buying our first house, we noticed that the shower continued to drip after the handle had been returned to the “off” position. At first, this was a mere annoyance, but as the post-shower water flow continued to increase, so did the frequency of cleanings said shower required. It was at this point I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I began by using the Internet to study the internal mechanism of the water flow valve. Making careful annotations, I familiarized myself with each component of the Moen L2352 Monticello Single Handle Shower Kit until I was confident that I could disassemble it in the dark.

That Saturday, I allocated fifteen minutes for disassembly, forty-five minutes to obtain and install a new replacement valve, and the next eight hours to bask in the glow of my undeniable brilliance. I had spent previous days practicing the false modesty I would display once the job was completed and my wife began showering me with accolades. My only fear that she would become overwhelmed by admiration for me and require prompt medical attention.

Walking into the bathroom with my toolbox, I felt pity for the men would allow themselves to be held captive by the fickle whims of a plumbing professional for such a rudimentary repair. My considerable preparation allowed me to quickly locate the access screw on the bottom of the handle that prevented access to the valve system.

Just as I was about to place the Allen wrench into the finishing screw, I remembered that I had not yet closed the main water system that fed the house. Chuckling at how close I had come to embarrassing myself and endangering my handyman status, I walked out into the frigid January air and located the municipal water valve. It protested slightly, but I finally was able to force it off with a pair of value-brand pliers. Now the magic could begin….

Re-entering the shower, I reseated the wrench into the set screw and applied pressure. Much to my chagrin, it did not seem to give at all. As any handyman knows, this is just a mild setback that can be overcome with a little elbow grease. I adjusted my grip on the wrench and pulled with a little more gusto. Again, the screw defiantly refused to budge and I was slowly coming to the realization that every attempt stripped the screw a little more.

Undeterred, I forced a smile and informed Ashley that I would just need to take a quick trip to Lowes to purchase a screw extraction kit. She eyed me warily and inquired as to why such a trip would be needed with the award winning preparation I had undergone. I explained that this was a minor setback and everything was under control, I just needed a special drill-bit and extractor to convince the screw it was time to abandon its post.

Once in Lowes, I discovered that the modest size of the screw made it difficult to find an extraction kit but finally, with the help of a “home improvement specialist,” I located what I needed. The kit came with three drill bits to create pilot holes and the extractor to back out the screw. It was pretty expensive, but supposedly the bits were forged with secret alien alloys mixed with the blood of an albino unicorn to ensure that they were impervious to damage. I knew that Ashley would be a little upset at the $15 purchase, but I would explain that since they were unbreakable we would one day pass them on to our grandchildren.    

Arriving home, I un-holstered my embarrassingly underutilized cordless drill and installed the “bit of legend” into the chuck. After making contact with the screw, I powered up the drill and began to apply moderate pressure as I increased the rotation speed. Several minutes had passed when the drill bit abruptly snapped and launched itself toward the bathroom vanity narrowly missing my face. Had I been home alone, this event would have been closely followed by a succinct, but nevertheless impressive, string of expletives. As it stood, with Ashley in the next room, it was essential that I maintained my composure, and by extension, my delicate facade of control.  

I calmly retrieved a second drill bit from the package and seated it firmly in the jaws of the Craftsman. A couple of minutes later it suffered the same fate as its overpriced predecessor and I found my poise crumbling as my shaking hands removed the final bit from the packaging. This time I was very deliberate with the amount of pressure I used, but this attempt was just as futile as the others and concluded with the same result.

At this point Ashley, who was well aware that being fragged by metallic shrapnel was unusual in a faucet replacement, inquired as to how it was going. Valiantly repressing my fury, I explained that despite my painstaking preparation I had been unable to foresee Moen’s use of screws forged in the depths of Hell but I was adapting as best I could. I lovingly reassured her that everything was under control as I went about located a large hammer and a pair of Vise Grips.  

Faced with the same situation, a sensible man might have realized that a few unwanted drips were not worth ruining an entire afternoon. Unfortunately, until a sensible man arrived I was in charge of the situation and I was determined that the handle was going to dislodge with or without the screw’s consent. I proceeded to beat the shower handle with the hammer until I was sure it recognized who wore the “daddy pants” in this house. Once I felt the fixture had learned its lesson, I attached the pliers to the handle and began to pull and jerk at it with wild abandon.

As you have no doubt surmised, I had already come to terms with the fact I was going to have to purchase a replacement handle, but at this point I just wanted it off. On the third or fourth try I placed so much torque on the Vise Grips that there could have been only one of two outcomes: the handle would come loose and I would salvage a small victory or I would become the victim of a ferocious hernia.

Finally, the handle broke free and I found myself sitting in the floor of the shower holding the disfigured remains of the Monticello chrome plated control lever. My elation was short lived however, as I quickly discovered that it was not the tiny finishing screw that had given way, but the elongated bolt that ran into the pipes and was now impossible to remove.

Un-phased by this setback, I loudly explained that we would be unable to use the shower for a few days while I tracked down an inexpensive plumber to correct the issue. While inconvenient, we had a second shower in the guest bathroom that would allow time for me to research a good plumber once we got paid that Friday.

Dejected, I walked back into cold night and restored water to the house, and as I did so hot water began to stream from the de-handled fixture. Apparently, when I had torn the handle off, it had been in the HOT position, so now I had an unstoppable stream of expensively-heated water flowing from the shower all the time. This created a bit of urgency in my plumber search, but even at the exorbitant Saturday night prices I was unable to locate anyone because the unseasonably low temperatures had produced a rash of burst pipes in the area.

Fortunately, Rotor Rooter was able to swing by the house late that night and separate me from $350 and the remainder of my dignity. Certain that Ashley was already creating an E-Harmony account in the next room, I sheepishly walked in and announced that the shower was no longer leaking and she could bathe herself at her leisure. I fully expected to wake in the middle of the night discover that her pillow was firmly placed over my face, but mercifully she is content with bringing that night up whenever I attempt to “fix” something.

Puppy Tweets

I used to believe that there was nothing more asinine than a celebrity Twitter account. Does anyone really care which gym Donny Osmond frequents or how often Paula Abdul eats popcorn? However, I am man enough to admit when I have made a mistake, so please consider this a public apology to all celebrities who have chosen to inundate the blogosphere with the minutia of their everyday existence. Today, I discovered something that makes Tori Spelling’s Twitter account appear to be worthy of the national archives: Dog Tweeting.

Next month, toy giant Mattel will unveil a device (called Puppy Tweets) that allows your canine to update its own Twitter account. How is this accomplished, you may ask yourself? Well, for around $30 you will be provided with a plastic tag that will attach to your beloved pet’s existing collar. The tag is equipped with sound and motion sensors which will gather data and upload them wirelessly through your Internet router. The device has been pre-loaded with several cringe-worthy status updates to ensure that any remaining friends you have will stop returning your calls. To whet the customer’s appetite, Mattel has released the following pre-programmed “tweets” which I will place contextually in real world scenarios.

Scenario 1 – Your dog, overcome by heat delirium, begins enthusiastically barking at its own feces. The plastic tag’s audio capture device interprets this and issues the following Tweet: “Somedays you just gotta get your bark on!” Subsequently, your prom date cancels on you.

Scenario 2 – Your dog ingests a quart of laundry detergent which immediately affects his equilibrium. As a result, he begins to run in circles. This is centrifugal movement is captured by the motion sensor which issues the following update, “"I finally caught that tail I've been chasing and...OOUUUCHH!" Within minutes, a piece of your soul dies.

There are several questions that must be asked:

1.       Why does your dog have a Twitter account to update at all? I truly believe that creating and maintaining separate Twitter accounts for each of your pets could be the most effective early indication of deep-seated mental illness.

2.       Why can’t the technology be utilized for something constructive like informing me that my pet has heartworms or that my dog just bit a priest?

3.       Who would follow these accounts? If the highlight of my day is being updated on the barking status of someone else’s dog, perhaps I need a more interesting hobby like fishing or serial arson.

4.       If the dog ingests the tag, what kind of updates would be produced by the motion and sound sensors?

I can’t wait to find out what MC Hammer’s dog is up to………