Jesus is Coming Back.....On a Saturday!

According to a massive billboard and literature campaign, Jesus Christ will return on May 21, 2011 to invoke the rapture and usher in the end of days. The billboards can be seen everywhere from Atlanta to Ghana and warn that our time is running out because once Jesus returns on May 21^st, the world will officially end on October 21^st (mercifully sparing us all from the final installment of the Twilight Saga and making the Mayans look like chumps.)

The predictions are attributed to Harold Camping, an 89 year old Christian author and owner of the worldwide religious broadcasting conglomerate Family Radio. Camping arrived at his conclusions utilizing a complex formula involving the frequency of Old Testament Jewish Feasts, The Lunar Month Calendar and The Gregorian Calendar along with a few other Biblical indicators and secret revelations.

He created the website www.wecanknow.com to explain his position and distribute uplifting brochures like “The Doomsday Code” and “Woe to the Bloody City.” The website also features radio broadcasts and a web-browser toolbar that counts down to the big show. Ironically the website domain expires on July 18, 2011 so it will be interesting to see if he renews it if May 21^st turns out to be just another Montenegrin Independence Day.

Harold "Endgame" Camping

While I certainly cannot prove that a senior citizen with a civil engineering degree and a radio broadcast is not qualified to predict the Biblical apocalypse, I am concerned with how quickly the populace has accepted such a specific prediction from a man providing nothing more detailed than a murky reference to some moon phases and a Gregorian calendar. Perhaps it is how I was brought up, but if you are going to overshadow Mr. T’s birthday celebration you better have something more concrete like a newly discovered scroll or an archangel podcast to back it up.

Of course Mr. Camping is not the first or even the most prominent religious figure to predict the apocalypse; and even he wrongly chose 1994 as Armageddon in the past. So how do these figures continue to retain a flock after their visions are proven inaccurate? With a little study, I have created a 5-pronged system that will allow anyone, regardless of formal theological training, to successfully identify arbitrary dates for the end of the world and retain their followers despite the presence of overwhelming evidence of their incompetence.  

1. The date must be revealed to you in a proprietary, unquantifiable manner impervious to logical inquest. Examples include supernatural visions, angelic visitations, and discovery of previously-unknown religious artifacts so sensitive that you were compelled to destroy them after mining their secrets. While I do not endorse the formulaic approach favored by Camping, (math is your enemy in these situations) he did manage to keep the specifics vague and overly dependent on his personal revelations. I’ll give him a B- on this one.

2. The date must be at least 2 years into the future and cannot coincide with any national or religious holidays. It is imperative that your manufactured doomsday is looming yet provides ample time to both amass followers and complete all necessary tax-exempt paperwork for your fundraising branch. Make it too soon or too far away and you risk invoking apathy in the populace; and while the holiday stipulation might seem arbitrary, there mustn’t be any celebrations to distract the faithful from focusing on their imminent judgment. Camping cut it way too close to Memorial Day for comfort, so for this he earns a C-.

3. As the date nears, you must drop progressively conspicuous hints that the certainly of the ‘Day of Judgment” directly correlates to your congregation’s faithfulness. This provides you both an invaluable social control mechanism (as only you are qualified to evaluate the follower’s “faithfulness”) and provides a positively re-enforced contingency plan when your date of reckoning comes and goes without incident. Unfortunately, it appears that Harold has not correctly “diversified his apocalyptic portfolio” and placed all of his Rapture eggs in one basket. D-

4. When the date you chose passes without incident, remain stoic and spend a convincing period of time in quiet meditation. Timing is critical at this stage so it is imperative that you address the unfulfilled prophecy within 3 working days. Gather the people and deliver the following speech with a touch of pride:

“My fellow believers. Due to your overwhelming support and faithfulness, the Lord has revealed to me (through my solitary desert visions) that he has given us a reprieve. We are to use this time to continue gathering the lost and recommitting ourselves to the tasks of the Spirit.”

5. Choose another date 2 years into the future and follow steps 1-4 while exponentially increasing the size of your organization, and by extension, your tax-exempt income. 

Full Moon

Do feel that the American dream is just out of your financial reach? Are you tired of living in an apartment complex where more meth labs are functioning than security lights? Many languish in such situations because owning terrestrial real estate is unrealistic, but since 1980 one corporation has been bravely going where no homo-sapiens have dared tread: extra-terrestrial land deeds.

The Head Cheese

The undisputed front-runner in cosmic real-estate is The Lunar Embassy, a company helmed by a man known as “The Head Cheese.” As of this writing, a prime 1-acre plot of lunar surface is going for $24 (this includes a $1.51 “lunar tax”) and entitles the buyer to a personalized certificate of ownership on “simulated parchment.”  The site claims that over 2.5 million plots of lunar property have already been sold to people just like you and me. In fact, the site even claims to have sold property to over 200 Hollywood stars (including many from Star Trek) and, according to a 2007 BBC article, even former presidents Ronald Ragan, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush have staked their celestial claim.

If the moon seems too clichéd, the site also offers prime real-estate on Mercury and Mars for the same price. The Lunar Embassy claims legal ownership of these properties because its founder, Dennis Hope, is exploiting a loophole in the 1967 UN Outer Space Treaty that explicitly prohibits ownership of cosmic property by governmental entities but says nothing about private corporations or individuals. He currently claims ownership of 7 planets and all of their moons. Those with a true pioneering spirit can even purchase a “continent sized” plot of lunar land (over 5 million acres) for the low price of $13 million dollars.

Before you dismiss ownership of your own celestial continent as a pipe dream, keep in mind that the Lunar Embassy offers in-house financing. For example, you can finance your continent on the 40 year plan and after the mandatory 10% deposit you would only owe around $36,000 a month.  For the more budget conscious consumer, The Lunar Embassy has placed recently demoted Pluto (in its entirety) on clearance for only $25,000. Other items sold by the Lunar Embassy include:

·         Do-It-Yourself Alien Test Kits – from the description “The Alien testkit will not only identify Aliens, it will also accurately tell you which planet they come from.”

·         Lunar Passports – this will identify your galactic nationality and allow you to pass through space customs unmolested

·         Moon Travel Guides – according to the product description this is the ultimate handbook for “sightseeing highlights, accommodations and food.”

·         Galactic Currency – Known as the “Delta,” the Lunar Embassy is offering a special deal where you can get in on the Delta early to enjoy a lower conversion rate. Currently $1,000 US Dollars gets you 10,000 Deltas.

As humorous as these offerings sound, the company had generated over $9 Million in revenue by 2007 and has sold large plots of land to hotel chains Marriot and Hilton. In 2003, the Lunar Embassy’s founder was awarded the Ronald Reagan Republican Gold Medal and made honorary chairman of the Business Advisory Council by Tom DeLay and the National Republican Congressional Committee for his work in cosmic real-estate.

I can only stand in awe of this man’s entrepreneurial spirit. I am especially interested in the “lunar tax” being levied on land purchases. Traditionally, taxation is what allows a governmental entity to maintain infrastructure and services for its constituency; but seeing as how there is no galactic government to fund and no cosmic constituency to serve, the remaining possibility is that this is one of the most brilliant gimmicks in the history of capitalism. Take note cell phone providers; you are in the presence of a fee ambiguity grand master.

The Lunar Passports seem to be a good bargain, especially since there is no cosmic TSA to pat down your asteroids just because your mom happened to be half-Mercurian. On the flip side, I am going to wait a little to see if the conversion rate of the “Delta” becomes a little more favorable to the dollar before I jump ship. The site even mentions an upcoming lunar bank that would allow the well-heeled to store their earnings away from the sticky hands of Earth-bound governments.

It is truly a testament to the power of capitalism that a grown man can walk into a government office, claim ownership of several celestial bodies, and proceed to sell them one acre at a time while providing the buyer with nothing more concrete than a certificate of ownership backed only by the sovereignty of his inkjet printer. 

Not only does this bring him wealth, but also the admiration and recognition of a Congressional body.

Some critics of the Lunar Embassy are concerned that such blatant land grabbing could monopolize cosmic territory and lead to the formation of a heavy-handed galactic dictatorship. This “empire” could begin enforcing its will on the universe’s populace through brutality and coercion which would likely lead to the formation of a scrappy galactic rebellion. This autonomous “republic” would eventually seize victory by utilizing guerrilla warfare tactics to cripple the empire’s spherical battle-station and topple the regime of their emperor.

Of course, that scenario is just off the top of my head…….  

Class G Meat

It has come to my attention that certain American consumers are suffering from unrealistic expectations concerning their fast food products. The law-firm of Blood, Hearst, and O’ Reardon (the commercials practically write themselves) has filed a class-action suit against Taco Bell for deceptive marketing practices concerning their “beef.”

Apparently, the “meat” that comprises the restaurant’s tacos may not be of the highest quality. The suit alleges the chain of utilizing “meat fillers” in its ground beef to reduce costs. The result is a mixture that contains around 30% actual meat with the remaining 70% largely consisting of wheat, soy, and water. While the law-firm has reluctantly agreed to accept a large fee for their efforts, they have made it clear that the education and protection of American consumers is their number one priority.

I for one am shocked that a culinary juggernaut employing high school kids to dispense sour cream from a caulk gun would serve anything less than the choicest USDA offerings. After all, if a business can produce a soft taco that costs less than a tin of altoids while remaining profitable, there is no reason to believe they are cutting any corners. Let’s be realistic; no one goes to Taco Bell expecting anything more than a full stomach for the price of a 9-volt battery (and perhaps, a late-night case of the skids.)    

To be honest, I am somewhat relieved that they cut their beef with something as benign as soy because I had always suspected they used Eskimo plasma or embalming fluid. Five years ago, there was a rumor floating around that the boxes of Taco Bell beef were labeled “Class G, but for human consumption.” The assertion being that the company had somehow discovered a loop-hole allowing them to utilize bovine byproducts normally reserved for an Alpo factory or the McRib.

I explain how these rumors spread here.

As It turns out, there is no such thing as Class G Beef (apparently it becomes something else entirely before you travel that deep into the alphabet) but the rumor did highlight a widespread suspicion held by the public that something was not quite right about the price point of Taco Bell’s nachos. Did any of us really imagine a sous-chef carefully browning a pan of choice Black Angus every time we rolled up to the drive through and asked for a sombrero pack of Gordita nuggets?

The attorneys have also requested a jury trial (in the interest of justice) so that they present their case to twelve people being compensated poorly enough to guarantee that Taco Bell is the only place they can afford to eat during lunch recess. I wonder the plaintiff’s closing argument will be: 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I stand before you not as a practicing attorney with a rather unfortunate surname, but as a frugal carnivore often pressed for time. Like you, I trust publicly-traded multi-billion dollar food conglomerates to be honest with me concerning the quality and safety of their products, but over the past several months that illusion has been shattered by Taco Bell’s systematic deception of the American public.

As I speak, the bailiff is handing each of you a packet of mild sauce to take with you into the deliberation room as a reminder of the egregious culinary deception perpetrated by the defendant. Regardless of what you decide, the packet is yours to take home and place in your silverware drawer where it will be forgotten until you move. Remember ladies and gentlemen Taco Bell’s drive-through may be open late, but justice never sleeps.

The bottom line is this: If you can hand someone a one-dollar bill and in turn they hand you a fresh Mexican entrée and change; it is best not to ask too many questions about their business model.

A Big Gay Chicken Sandwich

Since the very first Chick-Fil-A restaurant opened in 1967 in Atlanta, Georgia, founder and owner S. Truett Cathy has sought to distinguish his chain from the fast-food competition. The strategy seems to have paid off as Chick-Fil-A now operates over 1,500 locations in 39 states and tops $3 billion a year in sales. They have accomplished all this while remaining closed on Sunday and celebrating the conservative values of their founder through everything from The Winshape Foundation to the toys included with children’s meals.

Much of this is made possible because Chick-Fil-A has always been a privately-held corporation and while S. Truett Cathy is no longer involved in the day-to-day operations of the restaurants, control remains with the Cathy family. This has caused ruffled feathers before because prospective employees are often asked about marital status and church activities as part of the screening process. One restaurant owner in Texas claimed that he was fired after declining to pray to Jesus during a 2002 corporate training session. After a lawsuit was filed, Chick-Fil-A settled with the man for an undisclosed amount.

The newest controversy to be sparked by the poultry conglomerate concerns a food donation to a Pennsylvania marriage seminar entitled “The Art of Marriage: Getting to the Heart of God’s Design.” The group sponsoring the seminar has made it abundantly clear that same-sex marriage is not a part of “God’s design” so when a local Chick-Fil-A agreed to donate food to feed attendees, many saw it is a blatant political stance against gay rights. Within hours of the story breaking, gay rights activists were calling for a nationwide boycott and conservative evangelicals were applauding the chain’s “moral bravery.”

The publicity seemed to have caught current president Dan T. Cathy off-guard, who publicly insisted that they were just donating some sandwiches and did not intend to make a political stance. Personally, I think that the entire thing is absurd and everyone should calm down before they continue to embarrass themselves.

The conservatives need to refrain from using a simple catering job as a moral rallying point. Several of the “supportive” comments on Facebook are downright embarrassing. One person announced that they would eat at Chick-Fil-A twice as much because “being gay is unnatural,” another person reminded the food chain that “Jesus was with them.” I can understand that Jesus is watching over missionaries, orphans, and widows but I was unaware that J.C. had a vested interest in the profit margin of a multi-billion dollar poultry conglomerate. In the name of all that is holy, just eat the sandwich if you like the sandwich. Buying more #2 combos will not cause the “scary” gay people to disappear (there have even been reports of them eating chicken along with heterosexuals.)

The gay rights activist should realize that Chick-Fil-A is a privately held corporation beholden to no one but their customers. If a private company wishes to create a foundation that recruits prison inmates to club handicapped dolphins in front of a children’s hospital, they have every right to do so. If their philanthropic ventures offend or degrade you in any way, you are in possession of the most powerful tool in a capitalistic society: your money. If their corporate stances become too polarizing or extreme then their customer base, and by extension their income, will be reduced and they will be faced with altering their position or dissolving. Anyone familiar with Chick-Fil-A’s corporate history should not find their stance on gay marriage shocking.

Perhaps it is irresponsible, but I often eat at establishments because I enjoy the food. I have no idea what Wendys’ corporate stance on euthanasia is, but I know what their stance on a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is. I may have even inadvertently funded Al-Qaida the last time I had an oil change, but unless I see the Klan hosting a underage prostitution car-wash in the parking lot I tend to purchase from the company with the best product at the best price.  

And while I am at it, if I hear one more person proclaim that Chick-Fil-A being closed on Sunday is a “stance for Jesus,” I will place a flaming bag of waffle fries on their porch. This viewpoint is ridiculous because most evangelicals dine out after church anyway and I do not know a single Chick-Fil-A patron who would refuse to eat there on a Sunday out of principle. If being closed on Sunday was a clear indication of Protestant beliefs my bank would be holding monthly tent revivals.

If anything, the chain being closed on Sunday redirects revenue away from Chick-Fil-A which would have (apparently)been used to fund conservative causes but will instead be absorbed by a chain that may or may not have questionable moral stances. S. Truett Cathy chose not to open on Sunday because in the 60’s it was the slowest business day of the week and he liked the idea of his employees spending time with their families. Can’t we just give him credit for that?