The Other John Goodman

Like many of you, I have been following the story of Florida millionaire John Goodman with some interest. In February of 2010, Mr. Goodman was involved in a fatal car accident that resulted in the death of a college student named Scott Wilson. Goodman’s Bentley ran through a stop sign and T-boned Wilson’s Hyundai pushing it into a drainage canal where the young man drowned. Goodman, who had been at a bar and whose blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit when arrested, left the scene on foot, and waited an hour before calling the authorities.

In addition to the criminal charges he is currently on trial for, Goodman undoubtedly faces a future fraught with expensive civil suits. A few months before his criminal trial began, Goodman made headlines by legally adopting his current girlfriend Heather Hutchins, a move seen as a way to protect his fortune from any civil judgments and ensure he always has a really creepy answer to, “Do you have a close relationship with your kids?”

Hutchins & Goodman

While the aforementioned events of that night are not in dispute, their causes differ slightly according to which side of courtroom you sit on. The prosecution alleges that Goodman got hammered, slid behind the wheel of his ridiculously expensive coupe, and directly caused the death of an innocent young man. Furthermore, they believe that Wilson would have survived if Goodman had only called the police or offered assistance instead of running away.

The defense contends that Goodman was simply the victim of poor engineering and that his Bentley accelerated on its own through the intersection. The impact disoriented Mr. Goodman who wandered into a nearby barn and discovered a cache of alcoholic beverages. Understandably distraught by his recent vehicular malfunction, Goodman began consuming said libations in an effort to anesthetize himself. Once he regained his composure, he immediately called the authorities and was devastated to learn of Mr. Wilson’s demise.

I must say, Goodman’s legal team presented a rather unique explanation for the accident and Goodman’s elevated blood alcohol level. I imagine law students will be analyzing the Possessed Bentley / Barn Scotch defense for years to come. While it might sound outlandish, perhaps the defense possesses ironclad evidence that Goodman’s Bentley indeed went into “Christine” mode at the most inopportune time thereby setting in motion a chain of events that resulted in the defendant wandering into the only central Florida barn stocking unguarded liquor.

What fascinates me is the implication of legally adopting your adult girlfriend. If they break up and he gets remarried would his new wife be his ex-girlfriend’s stepmother, because I could see that family dinner becoming rather awkward. Also, Goodman has other biological children so how does he diplomatically allocate budgets for Christmas gifts? Does Heather get a girlfriend share and a daughter share?

“Daddy, how come Heather got a Land Rover and a diamond bracelet and I just got an Old Navy giftcard?”

“We’ve talked about his sweetie, Heather gets two gifts because she has full legal control of Daddy’s assets and can leave us all destitute if she goes off the reservation.”

With all of the negative connotations associated with a man dating his own daughter, I suppose there are some upsides:

• Popin’ & lockin’ is no longer off the table at the father/daughter dances.

• As both her dad and current lover, you can easily justify being overprotective when other men hit on her.

• By claiming her as a dependent of your taxes, it might be possible to deduct all the expensive jewelry you would have to buy her anyway.

• It doesn’t seem quite as creepy when you tell her, “Sometimes I just look at you and imagine a little girl.”

• Calling you “daddy” has officially been elevated from voluntary role play to a legally-binding agreement.

• A non-Mississippi resident now has a reason to request that Facebook allow you to identify the same person under the “In a relationship with” and “Family” headings.

• Dual veto status over her tattoo decisions.

• As the father of her children you, would be eligible to eat with them at school on parent’s day and grandparent’s day.

• Streamline the wedding ceremony having one “I do” cover multiple questions like, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” and “Do you John, take Heather as your lawfully-wedded wife-child?”

Things I Have Noticed

• I am fairly certain that it is illegal to operate a Mexican restaurant in the southeast without offering candy at the cash register. Furthermore, this candy must be purchased by placing change into a small, wicker basket.

• I do not believe that People magazine has ever published an issue that does not feature at least one exclamation point on the cover. If the issue in question concerns dramatic celebrity weight-loss, this minimum is tripled.

• There is an unsettling irony when people utilize their Facebook status updates to publicly announce their desire for a situation to remain private. This coy form of dissemination functions as a social “teaser” designed to elicit concerned responses so that information can be dispersed as the poster sees fit while maintaining the illusion that discretion was their intended goal. The resulting lines often read like:

“Why can’t people just understand that I don’t want to talk about my secret past in Norwegian erotic cinema?”

“How come these people are all up in my private business? As if I do not have enough to worry about with my recent demotion and abnormal pap-smear results.”

• The less spoken dialogue a film utilizes, the more likely it will be to be nominated for Best Picture. This is especially true if the sparse dialogue is broken up by long shots of background scenery sound-tracked by indie bands or artists.

• The placing of “awareness ribbons” on one’s car to convey a position statement has officially reached the tipping point. I dare say that the majority of the public old enough to drive is already aware of AIDS, War, and Cancer.

• Perhaps instead of installing a cumbersome “sun screen” on the Redbox machine, you could just install it on the side of the building not facing the sun.

• I truly believe that you can violate any traffic law as long as you are in possession of an orange hazard cone and are willing to place it within three feet of your vehicle.

• There is no need for every musician/artist to create their own perfume/cologne. The public is perfectly capable of enjoying your body of work without smelling like you.

• Having a nickname is endearing, having that nickname printed on your business cards is not.

• How did we arrive at the place where I must specifically ask for my water to be served without lemon? Are we being conditioned by a powerful lemon conglomerate to believe that consuming water without bits of citrus pulp floating in it is a special request?

• If you do not exercise you right to vote, please do not subject those of us who did to your political opinions.

• Why do people find it necessary to pick off the armrest padding at movie theaters? Are there that many patrons afflicted by this compulsion? Why can’t they suffer from a disorder that compels them to throw away their nacho tray instead?

• Why do textile manufactures feel it is necessary to embroider sayings on the inside of my pants? How does seeing “One leg at a time” while I am on the toilet improve brand loyalty? Are these messages size specific? Does the 58 waist come with “Gravy Milkshakes Are Bad” while the 22 waist reminds you that “Funyuns & Baby Aspirin Do Not Constitute a Meal”?

Cigarette Labels

A few weeks ago, Federal District Judge Richard Leon ruled against the Food and Drug Administration’s new cigarette warning labels. In a statement, he dismissed the new FDA system as “crafted to evoke a strong emotional response calculated to provoke the viewer to quit or never start smoking.” Judge Leon felt that the proposed illustrations (depicting damaged internal organs, rotting teeth and a smoker’s dead body) infringed upon the free speech of the tobacco companies because they were an attempt by a government organization to prevent a consumer from purchasing a legal product.

For those of you who do not know, the United States has a unique relationship with cigarette warning labels. We were the first country to require them, and over the years they have evolved from statements of ambiguous medical speculation to a specific list of future maladies.  In the 1960’s, packages of cigarettes informed users that “smoking may be hazardous to your health.” Through the 70’s and early 80’s people were assured that the surgeon general “has determined that cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health” and by 1985 Marlboro Red’s informed us that “smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.”

Certainly one could argue that forcing a company to place a full-color photo of a human cadaver on their packaging could negatively impact sales. Even funeral homes don’t do that and their profits are generated on a per-corpse basis. So I can agree that while a government agency does have the right to assist people in making informed decisions, it is disingenuous to legalize a product and then force the manufacturer to convince people not to buy it by. If anything, those types of heavy-handed tactics should only be used to make a real difference in people’s lives (like when I dropped $15 on the “Spaghetti Incident” CD that Guns N Roses put out).  

However, the real issue is that the labels are a pointless waste of time. People smoke because they haven’t come to a place in their lives to quit. I cannot name a single adult smoker who wakes up in the morning and asks themselves, “How can I insure I never live long enough to meet my grandchildren by spending $5 every time I stop at a Citgo?” What does the FDA envision happening if this system is implemented? Do they expect some roofer that has been sucking down Camels since he was fourteen to see discolored teeth on his cartoon and suddenly decide that a multivitamin is a better investment?

According to a 2009 CDC study, 80% of adult smokers began before they were legally old enough to purchase cigarettes. For those keeping score at home, that means that packaging designed to deter new smokers at the point of sale would, at best, have a 20% success rate. The same CDC study revealed that among high school students the largest percentage of youth smokers were Caucasian males with low “socioeconomic status, grades, and self-esteem” who were prone to “carrying weapons.” This means that taking away cigarettes from a poor white kid could be a dangerous proposition because they are all armed and have nothing to lose.

If the FDA continues down this path, I do have a few items that I feel need more graphic packaging:

• Jose Ole’ Bean & Cheese Frozen Burritos – Box would feature a weeping silhouette on a toilet holding a rosary.

• Keychain-Size Axe Body Spray – Bottle features an illustration of a man purchasing a Nickelback CD.

• Nickelback CD – Packaging would feature a morose, goateed man dinning alone at a Carl’s Jr.

•  Bowflex – On the box is a photo of the Bowflex beside your Ab Roller at a yard sale.

• A “TapouT” Window Decal – The packaging would be the same, but the clerk would punch you in the face upon checkout.

Marked by Deception

Inspired by one-time collegiate entrepreneur Mark Zuckerberg, two students at Arizona State University have started a unique website. The idea was to create an online community that allowed users to unburden themselves of their guilt and shame while remaining anonymous. The process is as follow: conscience-tortured souls can surf to clearmyguilt.com and submit a brief summary of their misdeeds. Once these submissions have been screened by the site’s staff, they are published on the homepage where the public can leave comments and categorize each offense as “forgivable” or “unforgivable” based on the severity of the infraction. Based on this community rating, each confession is placed under a subcategory of “heaven” or “hell.” 

Site co-founder Lonny Rueben admits there are limits to what they will publish insisting that "any posts that are dealing with suicide, murder, rape, we wouldn't want any of those on our site." The goal is to create enough web traffic to allow for on-site advertising to provide a revenue stream. Clearmyguilt.com currently processes about 100 submitted confessions per day and averages 800 page views in that same time frame.

My curiosity peaked by such an unusual service, I spent a half-hour or so perusing the darkest secrets of the Internet populace. I began with Hell, which contained an impressive amount of sexual deviance and infidelity along with the occasional unique drug habit (one personal in particular admitted an addiction to his dog’s anti-seizure medication). However the offense with the distinction of generated the most unforgivable ratings involved none of the above. It was sordid tale of greed, deception, and euthanasia involving some guys who kicked his friend’s dog for eating his sneakers and then lying about the canine’s fatal injuries.

Heaven, while still boasting its fair share of carnal dalliances, features many more unique confessions than its counterpart. One young man laments that his girlfriend’s face reminds him of a squirrel, another involved an incident of church flatulence and still another details a bar fight over a difference of opinion concerning Michelle Bachman. As with the Hell distinction, there seems to be an inordinate amount of people urinating in other people’s shampoo…. 

Curious as to how the process worked, I created and submitted the following confession:

Several years ago I commissioned a very unique tattoo that was placed on my right shoulder. It is about 2 ½ inches in diameter and consists of a bespectacled eagle perched on a Golden Corral restaurant logo. The eagle is peering intently through a window pane at a weeping female silhouette cupping a partially consumed apple. The entire piece is encircled by a repeating series of numbers and set against a gradient grey background. I acquired the ink after being dumped by an ex (who was employed at the Golden Corral) and the eagle represents me looking toward a future of mutual fulfillment only to discover her secret unhappiness with our relationship which I ultimately blame on original sin. The repeating number sequence is actually the external IP address of her personal laptop which I utilize to clandestinely read her correspondence to this very day.  However, whenever my current fiancée asks me why I got the tattoo I just mumble something about the Bengals having a bad season and change the subject. Is this forgivable?

Unfortunately the site has a character limit so it was truncated:

I have a tattoo that consists of an eagle perched on a Golden Corral logo peering intently through a window at a weeping female silhouette cupping a partially consumed apple. The entire piece is encircled by a repeating series of numbers that represent my ex's IP address. My ex and I got them together before we broke up. However, whenever my fiancée asks me why I got the tattoo I just mumble something about the Bengals having a bad season and change the subject. Is this forgivable?

After only two days I was surprised to see my submission prominently-displayed on the homepage. As of this writing I have received fifty-three “Forgivable” votes compared to only nine “Unforgivable” placing me firmly within the realm of hypothetical salvation. I also received three supportive replies reassuring me that “we all have a past.”

Having glanced through the hundreds of submissions now on the page, I feel that the majority of the issue could be prevented by monogamy, integrity, and a renewed commitment to personal hygiene. The site’s founders readily admit that they have no way of determining which submissions constitute actual guilt and which are complete fabrications, which is somewhat comforting after taking in a few of the site’s more troubling posts. Perhaps some things are better left unsaid.