Jon Gosselin: Lesson of the Week

Jon Gosselin has a pretty impressive resume that includes legendary fertility, unimpeachable parenting, and the unfathomable irony of creating a tabloid firestorm by cheating on his wife with a tabloid reporter who was assigned to cover the tabloid firestorm of cheating on his wife.

Impressive as these accomplishments are, I believe that his Coup de grace was made possible by the December 26^th break-in at his New York City apartment. One of the most heinous crimes to regularly befall the reality TV star, home invasion has also touched the lives of Lindsay Lohan & Audrina Patridge (delicate souls all) and forever altered their sense of safety.

In Jon’s case, the perpetrator(s) entered his upper Westside digs and absconding with his coffee maker and Nintendo Wii amongst other heirlooms. Even more chilling was the fact that someone had taken time to pen a mildly derogatory note and use a butcher knife to pin it to a piece of furniture. In a statement through his publicist, Mr. Gosselin indicated that he called the police and that an “experienced” detective had been dispatched.

Faced with the daunting task of narrowing down a list of people who dislike his client, Gosselin’s attorney has placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of Jon’s recently estranged paramour Hailey Glassman by indicating that they would pursue justice to the point of her incarceration. For her part Hailey denies that she is to blame and claims that the entire event is a hoax and “publicity stunt.” She has also accused Mr. Gosselin of stealing her rent money (ah, young love.)

It is against this backdrop that Mr. Gosselin’s attorney was quoted drawing a direct parallel between the apartment invasion and violent sexual battery saying "Jon feels like he was raped.” Not only is such a statement embarrassingly overdramatic, it is jarringly insensitive to victims of such a scarring crime. While I am sure that purchasing another Mr. Coffee at Target will be a difficult healing process for Jon (easily dwarfing, say, a lifetime of nightmares and deep-seated trust issues) I cannot feel that sorry for a man who needs an attorney and a publicist to spin a missing Nintendo Wii.

Perhaps if Mr. Gosselin was not in the habit of distributing copies of his house keys to any semi-eligible twenty-something with basic cable……