Saturday, June 19, 2010

More Random Thoughts...

·         In almost every disaster movie, a portion of the plot is devoted to repopulating the Earth by selectively preserving the life of a small percentage of the populace. This is traditionally accomplished by placing the select few into secret underground caverns or onto cutting edge ships. It is later revealed that this group was comprised of botanists, physicians, and sociologists as those in charge felt that such skills would be valuable in the post-apocalyptic landscape. While I do not disagree, I have yet to see a disaster film where they bother to include carpenters, plumbers, or mechanics. So my question is who will build the hospitals and greenhouses these people are going to necessitate?

·         Why am I charged an extra “shop supplies” fee when I have maintenance work performed on my vehicle? Does the fact that the mechanics sometimes utilize towels still catch upper management by surprise after all these years?

·         Favorite Bumper Stickers:
“I hope you follow Jesus this close”
“My kid sold drugs to your honor student”
“I give evolution two opposable thumbs down”
“Sorry about you face”
“I brake for your mom”
“Honk if you are easily manipulated by bumper stickers”
·         I wonder if it is a coincidence that all of the print ads for optometrists use small fonts that are difficult to read.

·         Is it possible to locate a car dealership that doesn’t have the best prices in town?

·         How bad has the world become that we have to manufacturer canine anti-depressants? Isn’t one of the main incentives of dog ownership stress-relief and unbridled joy?

·          While attending my sister-in-law’s graduation I was interested to learn that one of her classmates was named “Lupus” (apparently after the chronic auto-immune malady of the same name) and I have been inspired to pen several disease-themed names for my future children:

For a Girl
Chlamydia (Clammy)
Polyp (Polly)
Gingivitis (Ginger)
Rubella (Ruby)

For a Boy
Thrombosis (Thrombo)

·         I have decided to launch my own line of scented candles for men (called “Mandles”) so they we will not have to be embarrassed to check out at a Yankee Candle store. These will be some of my initial scent offerings:

Pile O’ Sawdust 
Oil Change Mishap
Musty Ski Lodge
A1 Steak Sauce
Charcoal Grill
Paint Thinner
Questionable Leftovers
·         I once was issued a Dodge Caliber as a rental car and it might be the worst designed car I have ever operated. It has more blind spots than a bathroom stall and the interior looks like it was designed by Tonka. This all served to compliment the lack of padding, embarrassingly underpowered engine, and a transmission so smooth that it could only have been lifted from a used lawn tractor.

·         Why are people under the age of 70 still not embarrassed to hold up the line at Wal-Mart by writing checks? In the name of all that is holy just get a debit card. If you want to keep it old school so bad just offer the clerk some buffalo nickels and a pack of Lucky Strikes in exchange for your dry goods.

·         If you are marketing ready-made pancakes, perhaps you should come up with a better brand name than Krusteaz Pancakes. The last thing that most people want to associate with a fluffy breakfast pastry is “crustiness.” The spelling choice also may erode consumer confidence.

1 comment:

  1. Damn spiffy about them Walmart check-writing-old-smelling-technological-deficient folks. And they wait till the very end to fill out ALL of the check.

    Sign me up for one of them WD-40 candles.


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