Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Date With The Devil

On September 14th, Christine O’ Donnell stunned the Republican party by winning the right to represent Delaware in the United States Senate race against Democrat Chris Coons. She had faced former governor and current U.S. House of Representatives member Mike Castle, who by all accounts was a shoe-in for the Republican nomination. O’ Donnell was the dark-horse Tea Party candidate and no one expected her to come close to securing the nomination, much less win by six percentage points.  Her victory has caused infighting within the GOP as many of the party’s leaders (like Karl Rove) have publicly commented on her inability to lead while others (Sarah Palin) have openly endorsed her. 

As if this perceived upset hasn’t caused enough uproar, video has recently surfaced of O’ Donnell’s 1999 appearance on Bill Mahr’s roundtable discussion show Politically Incorrect where she claims to have dabbled in witchcraft and even dated a warlock although never going far enough to “join a coven.” For those who do not know, joining a coven is the dark arts equivalent of pledging a college sorority. While some see witchcraft as a forgivable youthful indiscretion, others fear that such an association could distance her from the conservative voters that won her the primary.

While I do not wish to dissect the probable impact of witchcraft allegations on a Republican candidate, there is one part of her story that fascinates me. In the same clip, she describes her first date with a witch where he took her to a “Satanic altar” that was adorned with “blood” and they had a “midnight picnic” there. In her defense, O’Donnell claims that the location and nature of their date had been a surprise to her implying that she would not have necessarily felt comfortable if given the option ahead of time.

In my mind there are only two possibilities that could have occurred in this alleged date scenario:
1.      She was more involved in witchcraft that she lets on.
2.      Her suitor took the biggest chance on a first date ever.
Obviously, if the young man in question met Christine though a sorcery mixer, he could be somewhat assured that she wouldn’t run screaming into the woods as the thought of having a chicken salad sandwich while lounging at the altar of the dark master. However, I would have far more respect for him had he chosen the location of the date cold turkey. After all, it takes a self-assured man to play his “How do you feel about blood sacrifices to the dark lord?” card so early in the game.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Christine came home and dished to her friends about the evening:

“He was such a gentleman; he brought Lunchables and then we drank sheep’s blood from the chalice of eternal torment. Then, just as the bone-marrow incense was burning out, he nervously took my hand and offered to carve a pentagram into my palm using the sacrificial dagger he had fashioned from the grave markers of the innocent. Afterward, we just sat there and quoted retribution incantations to each other in Latin. It was just like a Nicholas Sparks book.”
Of course, it is more likely that Christine had some idea of her beau’s interests and would have been far more shocked if he had suggested Starbucks and Trivial Pursuit.

I am also curious as to what the next big step would have been had the relationship worked out? Do Satanists marry? Is there a gathering of friends and family where the happy couple lights a dis-unity candle and pledges their lifelong indifference to each other while participating in a black mass? Is there a satanic priest that stands at the altar and delivers a canned message?

Dearly despised,
                      We are gathered here today in the presence of darkness and its eternal keeper to witness the soulless pairing of two heterosexual minions. While their beliefs do not allow them the luxury of personal fulfillment, they fervently desire to take advantage of several Federal tax credits only available to the matrimonially attached. We wish Judy & Frank years of crushing adversity tempered by parasitic guilt and hatred. You may kiss the damned. 
On a personal note, I think it would be infinitely advantageous to have a known Satanist as an older sibling. This ensures that it would take dramatic and repeated failure on your part for your parents to say:
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

1 comment:

  1. As I understand it, there is actually little to no difference at all in joining a coven and pledging a sorority ;)


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