Saturday, November 20, 2010

One Woman, One Dream, One Thousand Pounds

Donna performing gastrointestinal warm-ups
New Jersey resident Donna Simpson has a dream, while others have squandered their fleeting existence by developing childhood vaccines or attempting to eradicate the scourge of cancer, she has never fallen prey to such asinine distractions. Her quest, if completed, will earn her a place in the history books and likely have a dramatic impact on the third quarter earnings of McDonalds. That is because Miss Donna Simpson has vowed not to stop consuming food until she has become the “fattest woman alive.” Her target weight is 1,000 pounds of artery-clogging-heart-palpitating-pancreas-decimating land monster.

Surpassing the curb weight of a 2008 Honda Goldwing is certainly no pipe dream. As of a few months ago Donna tipped the scales at 630lbs and recently was inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records as the heaviest woman to ever give birth. It took a team of thirty physicians (rumor has it that three doctors administered intravenous gravy) to perform the caesarian section that brought her daughter, Jacqueline, into the world.

While Donna constantly struggled with obesity as a child, she was able to get her weight down to 150lbs during her teenage years through a combination of diet, exercise, and some festively-tinted diet pills which have undoubtedly been recalled by the FDA. It was during this time that she met her first husband, who was gainfully employed as the chef at a steak house.

She recalls, in Lipitor-prescribing detail, how her new beau would return from work bearing “huge piles of steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy with butter” that they would gorge themselves on until the small hours of the night. She fondly recalls that initial weight gain and the self-esteem boost it provided, “He said I was sexier when I was bigger, and I felt happier too.”

After their relationship ended, she met 150-pound Philippe on a plus-sized dating website. He later sired the daughter that would put Donna in the record books and wholeheartedly supports his girlfriend’s mission to outweigh the entire U.S. Olympic Figure Skating Team. Simpson sheepishly admits that Philippe is “a real belly man” and would “like it if I was bigger.”

So with the support of her current squeeze, pre-teen daughter, and the stockholders of Frito-Lay, she consistently consumes in excess of 12,000 calories each day and purposefully moves as little as possible. To maintain this unparalleled intake of sustenance, Donna spends roughly $750 a week ($39,000 a year) on food.  
While a lesser woman would have turned to government subsidies to supplement her income, Donna has created her own website where hundreds of men pay a subscription fee to access videos of her eating while baring her stomach (take that, Internet porn). Many of these male admirers shower her with culinary gifts, such as high-calorie protein shakes, to expedite her weight gain.

Although the 43-year-old has difficulty showering, cooking, and identifying her kneecaps, she insists that she has never been happier. To the critics of her lifestyle, many of whom send her hate mail, she insists that she makes people happy and isn’t hurting anyone. She hopes that her story will inspire others and lead to the acceptance of overweight women worldwide.

While I agree that society as a whole tends to be somewhat prejudiced toward the obese, I am not sure that a woman who can break a sweat dismounting her double-reinforced mobility scooter is going to open any new doors. There is a distinct line between being comfortable with your body and deliberately gorging yourself for publicity / Internet revenue and Donna lumbered over it years ago.

Conversely, it is still her God-given right as an American to biggie-size her way to a circulatory-system meltdown if she so chooses. I salute her resourcefulness and as long as the taxpayers are not footing the bill for her caloric indulgences, I see no reason to send her hate mail. Let the woman live in peace until the day when the roll is called up yonder and the industrial-sized gravy boat comes to ferry her home.

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