Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Butt

There are numerous ways to enhance one’s physique. Some are natural such as exercising, dieting, or utilizing a photo from the Reagan administration in your real estate ads and others require artificial enhancement like plastic surgery, botox, or standing next to Larry Bird. And while we are all familiar with face lifts and breast augmentation, there is a new trend sweeping the nation: butt enhancement.

The ultimate goal is to create a more prominent caboose that can easily be spotted through jogging pants, a sun dress, or sheet rock. In the past this goal was accomplished through a disciplined regimen of gravy intake and physical inactivity, but modern medicine has allowed the benefits of a high caloric lifestyle to be available to all God’s children. There are generally two accepted methods of achieving a gluteal entourage and while the techniques and complications differ, the payment plans are eerily similar. 

The first method involves removing fat from an area of the body where it is unwelcome (such as the stomach) and injecting it into the area where it is desired (like the buttocks.) This is known as a “Brazilian Butt Lift” and is performed as an outpatient procedure for about the price of a zero-turn lawn mower. The other method involves traditional implants being placed inside of the cheeks via surgical incision, but tends to be more expensive and carries longer recovery times.

Unfortunately, the high cost of buttock augmentation has forced many of the derriere-challenged to seek enhancement outside of traditional medical communities.In March of last year, six different New Jersey residents were hospitalized after receiving Brazilian butt-lifts from less-than-reputable physicians. The women developed severe infections because they were injected with consumer shower caulk instead of surgical-grade silicone.

In May of this year, South Carolina resident Michelle Roca was arrested when a woman went into a coma after allegedly receiving gluteal implants at her establishment. Even more disturbing was the fact that Miss Roca’s “establishment” was a clothing store called CoConuk Boutique and she was not a doctor. According to police, Roca flew in doctors from other countries to perform the procedures in the stockroom.

In 2009, former Miss Argentina, Solange Magnano, died during her “butt enhancement” surgery. In February of this year London resident Claudia Adusei died after receiving buttock injections at a hotel near the Philadelphia International Airport and many authorities believe there are many other unreported fatalities.

With regard to the “Brazilian butt-lift,” why is it that the selling point of every esthetic enhancement implies that it originated in Latin America? Brazilian bikini-waxes, Brazilian butt lifts, and Brazilian blowouts (which, surprisingly, have nothing to do with the digestive system) have women everywhere flocking to their spas or plastic surgeons. Can you imagine that being a selling point in other areas of medicine? Would a large number of people request a Peruvian vasectomy or a Bolivian caesarian section?

I do feel bad for these ladies, but perhaps when your surgeon stops mid-procedure to run to Home Depot for more supplies you may want to start making some preliminary inquiries into their qualifications. The worst part was the “doctor” had diluted the caulk before the injections presumably to make it last longer. All professional ethics aside, how mismanaged is your medical practice that you have to dilute a $4 tube of DAP mildew-resistant silicone to keep a profit margin? Between that, a caulk gun, and a box of wine (for anesthesia) any fee you collect that exceeds $10 is pure profit.

Also, a good rule of thumb is to avoid medical procedures offered in the fitting room at an egregiously- misspelled clothing store in South Carolina. I wonder how Miss Roca drummed up business for her other services. Did she just lean over to women at the register and remind that for every three pairs of jeans purchased they would receive one free mystery injection from an illegal immigrant by the loading dock? My favorite quote came from Roca’s boyfriend who, when questioned about her innocence, avoided a direct answer by insisting that the boutique “is no place for a clinic.” I suspect he gave the interview over the phone while frantically packing up his Playstation and Miller High Life T-Shirt collection.

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