Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pool Time!

At one point or another, we have all allowed the emotional high of a budding romance to supersede our better judgment and we found ourselves talking on the phone for hours or dropping everything to spend the afternoon with our beloved. So who could blame middle-aged Indiana paramours Myron Helms and Victoria Cross for spending a lazy summer afternoon swimming at the Roberts Park Family Aquatic Center? The idyllic facility is a local favorite area for families and boasts a large water-slide, wading pool, and Red Cross swim lessons for children under twelve. 

The Roberts Family Aquatic Center
Unfortunately, after paying their $6 entrance fee Myron and Victoria began feeling rather amorous and proceeded to have intercourse in the middle of the family swimming area for a solid half-hour before management intervened. According to the police report, the act went on so long that one parent simply stood in front of the couple with the sole purpose of preventing young children from getting “too close” to the lovers.


Eventually, after multiple complaints from parents, facility manager Cindy Schwab approached the couple and asked them to separate. In her statement, she claims that when the couple detached from one another she could clearly see that Mr. Myron’s buoy was no longer contained by his swimsuit. The couple was arrested, charged with indecent exposure, and ordered to stay away from the Family Aquatic Center. During the booking process it was discovered that Myron is a police officer in a neighboring county and he has been suspended pending further investigation.

The Roberts Park Family Aquatic Center assured the public that the pool was immediately closed down, all of the water was cleaned, and fresh chemicals were added before the public was allowed back in. No word yet on whether or not the couple received a refund on their admission fee.

I was disappointed that the article did not indicate whether or not this was the couple’s first date. I can only imagine how Myron would have sold this little outing:

“You know Victoria, I was thinking that maybe you and I could visit the local family aquatic center and fool around in the shallow end in front of impressionable children. Before you say no just keep in mind they have a water slide.”

It is unfathomable that this couple could not conjure up somewhere less offensive and emotionally scarring than a family water park to do this. I wonder if they even considered the amount of awkward questions those poor parents had to answer on the way home that day. How are you supposed to respond when little Suzie asks why you had to set fire to her swimsuit and pool noodle as soon as you got home?

I would also like to know why it took multiple complaints before management stepped in. Granted, I have never helmed a family swimming facility, but it should not take more than one “I just thought you should know that two people are having sex in lane four” comment to get me off Facebook. I understand that you cannot personally investigate every allegation of diving-board misconduct or underwater urination, but a pair of consenting adults playing an underwater version of hide the eggroll demands immediate action.

It would be interesting to know whether or not the couple has retained legal counsel. I cannot imagine standing up and court and saying

“Your honor, I cannot, in good conscience, stand here and allow these two upstanding citizens to be vilified for a natural act of human sensuality just because that act happened to occur during the 10-and-under group swim. Today it is having a “dirty 30” in the wave pool, but pretty soon we will be hauling people in for holding hands in Old Navy or saying I love you in front of kittens. If we are to sustain the freedoms bestowed upon us by our forefathers, we must protect every American’s God-given right to public, aquatic fornication!”
All moral indignation aside, I must admit that the thirty-minute timetable outlined in the article is quite impressive. Had this act not taken place in front of half the city’s elementary-school population it might have garnered a round of applause and perhaps a semi-lucrative adult film contract instead of a hefty fine.  I can only hope that Sting doesn’t get wind of this or it will give him yet another excuse to make the entire world uncomfortable by using the word “tantric” over and over while rubbing his wife’s leg….

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