Friday, November 23, 2012

By The Numbers

  • Statistically speaking, the American most likely to own a gun is a white 50-64 year-old Southern male who has never attended college and makes around $50,000 a year. The least likely to own a gun is a minority female aged 18-29 who possess a doctorate degree, lives in the eastern United States, and makes around $30,000 a year.

While this information could easily be used to justify the stereotype that the south is comprised of uneducated rednecks that collect guns, I found it somewhat reassuring. After all, between the two of them who is more likely to be angry at the world: a redneck with a low cost of living who managed to land a $50,000 annual salary on his GED or someone who just realized they spent $100,000 on a Ph.D. in order to live just below the poverty line? If that poor girls hears one too many stories about Bubba “I Don’t Read So Good” Scooter leapfrogging her tax bracket I don’t think it is in anyone’s best interest for her to have easy access to a firearm.

  • The contestant most likely to win a Miss America Pageant is a 22 year-old, 121 pound California / Ohio / Oklahoma resident whose talent is singing, wins the preliminary bathing suit competition, and does not believe evolution should be taught in public schools. The contestant least likely to win is a 22 year-old, 121 pound Idaho / Vermont / North Dakota resident whose talent is dancing, loses the preliminary bathing suit competition, and believes evolution should be taught in public schools. 

Critics of scholarship pageants might scoff at this statistic, highlighting what appears to be a glaring endorsement of physical beauty over intellectual prowess, but I feel this could be a motivational tool for future contestants. One day, despite her climatological disadvantage in swimwear, a future Miss North Dakota will take her Biology degree and dance into the hearts of Americans everywhere. It is high time the velvet ropes came down and we allowed all 22 year-old, 121 pound, unmarried women with no criminal history, and a sub 20 B.M.I to highlight this country’s diverse beauty.

  • Often, unrelated statistics can offer valuable insights into our nation’s demographic. For instance, we know that Idaho has the nation’s lowest percentage of single adults. We also know that 52% of singles say they are too busy to meet other singles and even though 63% of married couples were introduced by a friend, only 17% of those introductions lead to anything.

While these figures might be depressing if you live in California, just think about the poor single guys in Idaho who cannot get a date because every well-proportioned available woman in the state is off at dance lessons so that they are adequately prepared to be eliminated in the first round of the Miss USA pageant. Either Idaho is a romantic, monogamous haven of traditional marriage or it is so sparsely populated that when two single people finally run into each other they exchange vows just to remind themselves they are not the last remaining vestige of humanity in a post-apocalyptic world.

  • Finally, The Sunday Times of London held a survey where they asked women which of eleven physical attributes they found most attractive in a man and asked men how they though the women would respond. The top four answers selected by women comprising an overwhelming 78% of the total are buttocks (39%) slimness (15%) flat stomach (13%) and eyes (11%). The bottom two results, comprising only 3% overall, were the penis (2%) muscular chest & shoulders (1%) and muscular arms (0%).  

Men, being the perceptive creatures we are, predicted the results exactly the opposite. With unwavering certainty, they predicted the following: muscular chest & shoulders (21%) muscular arms (18%) and penis (15%). Eyes and buttocks were tied for 7th place at 4%.

Sidestepping a discussion on what exactly constitutes an attractive penis (Grooming? Symmetry? A conspicuous absence from the dinner table?) I wonder if some guy read that statistic during his grueling four hour gym/genital salon daily routine and said to himself, “You mean I could’ve gotten more dates with a pair of colored contacts, a few lunges, and a low calorie diet!?” While there is certainly room for error (and personal preference) in all these statistics, there is a lesson to be learned:

If you are a single guy in Idaho trying to catch the eye of the local beauty queen before she uses her scholarship money to pursue her doctorate at NYU, I suggest you stick to the numbers, wear the chinos and have her leave her pistol at home.

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