Saturday, February 9, 2013

Random Thoughts Part 4

  • Why is it that every time I am filling out an online form that requests my date of birth, it defaults to today’s date? How many newborns are completing online paperwork? Can’t they just split the difference and default to 1972 so I can stop scrolling backwards from 2013?

  • Movie Idea: Charlene is a competitive body-hair stylist framed for the murder of Peruvian diplomat and the only way to prove her innocence is by going deep undercover in the shadowy world of dairy smuggling.

  • When I have been on hold for an extended period of time, nothing erodes at my patience more effectively than having a recording repeatedly inform me that it “appreciates my patience.”

  • I don’t think it is a coincidence that the local movie theater with the most uncomfortable seats features the largest number of chiropractic advertisements.

  • I am convinced that Nestle is one of the most brilliant corporations on the planet. How else can you describe a company that makes over 20 billion dollars a year selling candy bars and ice cream but still has the audacity to own Lean Cuisine and Jenny Craig?

  • I dislike when the self-checkout kiosk asks me if “Is the Amount OK?” as if it needed my opinion on the store’s valuation of its own inventory. Does it want my opinion? Am I allowed to haggle? If I select “No” will I be presented with the opportunity to suggest a more reasonable grand total? The correct terminology would be “Is Displayed Total Correct?”

  • Just once, I would like to see a women’s magazine that advertised “12 Easy Ways to Maintain Your Current Weight and Proportions.”

  • I am relieved that having an imaginary girlfriend has become fashionable again. I had one in middle school named Jill Masterson (a name I must have subconsciously absorbed from repeated viewings of Goldfinger) and she was unable to make an appearance to my classmates due to a debilitating sunlight allergy. I do hope she is feeling better.

  • At what point did Charmin decide that the best way to market its product was to associate it with animated bears?

  • I wish I could land a job creating coupons for fast food chains since their goals seems to make them instantly appealing but impossible to redeem:

1.       Buy 4 large cream sodas and receive 20% off the discontinued menu item of your choice.
2.       Free Adult Entrée! (When you purchase a dozen Spinach Cheesecakes Bites and pay in exact change using only quarters.)
3.        Free Large Meat Lover’s Pizza with a current American Vegetarian Association membership.
4.       Buy one menu item at regular price and receive one regularly-priced menu item.

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