Thursday, August 14, 2014

4 Habits to Avoid

It seems like every time I go to a news website they have a health section that contains at least one article titled “5 Things to avoid if you want to Live Longer” or “3 Habits of Healthy People” filled with absolutely nothing of academic value (much like this blog). Usually, the article will cite a needless study released by the University of Misallocated-Endowments and then end with a quote from a doctor with unverifiable credentials. I can only assume that these continue to be written because people continue to sit on their couch and read them (a behavior, I am guessing, that would not appear on the list of habits to live longer) so I have decided to contribute one of my own. It is based on a two year observational study of articles based on other studies.

4 Habits to Avoid for the sake of Longevity

Smoking Anything That Burns – Do not inhale smoke. Regardless of its color, odor, or origin; smoke will make your lungs sad. I am just as shocked as anyone that the deliberate inhalation of airborne particulates created by violent combustion would be a bad idea, but there seems to be some consensus among the medical community about this. I am going to go out on a limb and even say that Vaporizers should be avoided as well. Sure, they could be less likely to give you cancer than smoking traditional cigarettes or freebasing anthrax spores, but why spend your hard earned money to help the rest of us confirm it?  

Not Exercising Ever – It would appear that a completely sedentary lifestyle is detrimental to our long-term survival. I suppose there are very few miraculously-youthful senior citizens who answer the “How do you stay so young?” question by crediting a combination of bed-sores and diminished muscular tissue. Despite this, we all still have a love/hate relationship with physical exertion. There are people that spend 10 minutes trying to find a closer parking spot at the gym so that they don’t have to walk as far.    

Eating Bad Always – Groundbreaking as it may seem, the human body responds poorly to a diet comprised exclusively of Slim-Jims and Mountain Dew. If we are honest with ourselves, this could be gleaned through personal observation alone. Different foods make us feel differently. I certainly do not have the same feeling after consuming a Chili-Cheese Frito Pie/ Dr. Thunder combo as I would after a Caesar salad with a filtered-water chaser. That is because one meal is providing needed caloric refueling while the other is making sure my grandchildren will know me only as “grandma’s first husband that died when his arteries exploded”

Drinking Liquor Excessively – Apparently a glass of red wine with dinner is not the same as eight whiskey sours for breakfast. Study after study has needlessly confirmed that debilitating alcoholism has a negative impact on physical wellness. Again, lay observation is all that would be necessary here. Constant inebriation puts you at a higher risk for everything from liver disease to being gut-punched by a carnival worker.  

Each of these habits are capable of being deadly on their own, but can be downright suicidal when combined into a single daily routine. Imagine dropping your lit cigarette into the couch you’ve called home since Bush was in office knowing that even if your heart was able to force blood through your encrusted circulatory system to your atrophied muscles, you would be too drunk to know where to run anyway.

The other entertaining aspect of these articles is the always enlightening comment section consisting of two or three people arguing over what constitutes moderate drinking and one Internet troll making derogatory comments about specific ethnicities. Sometimes, people will actually pose medical questions in the comment section as a way to crowd-source their treatment. I know it can be expensive to see a specialist, but please do not rely on SweetLips4Billy2 to tell you if it is safe to mix your pharmaceuticals.  

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