Savages of the Seas

My wife and I have been on several cruises together and have always enjoyed the experience, so you can imagine the ridicule I subjected a friend to after he vowed never to take one. His reasoning? He believes them to be floating vessels of anarchy exempt from the societal laws and norms that govern acceptable human behavior. “There’s no law!” he would insist, attributing the inevitable chaos to the legal ambiguity concerning international waters. Well David, I sincerely apologize as your fears were anything but baseless.

Apparently, the ironically christened Carnival Triumph was about 150 miles from the Yucatan Peninsula when a fire broke out in the engine room leaving the 102-ton vessel and its 3,143 passengers dead in the water. Without power and running water, those aboard were reportedly forced to sleep in tents on the open deck and relieve themselves in bags and buckets. Family members claim to have received texts from loved ones on-board detailing fights over food and water. Eyewitness accounts describe the passengers as “savages” scrounging for basic necessities. One man has been removed for dialysis and all this was just within the first 24 hours.

The ship’s crew has been distributing bottled water and cold food in the immediate aftermath and reports late Monday indicated that the shipboard engineers were able to restore some hot food service and running water. The ship is expected to port in Mexico today where the passengers can be flown home. Carnival has announced that it will issue a full refund (minus casino and gift shop expenditures) to those affected. They will also issue a voucher for a complimentary Carnival cruise at some point in the future. This is the second time a Carnival boat has become disabled due to an onboard fire while in the Gulf of Mexico.

Literally one day without power and it sounds like Lord of the Flies out there. One minute you are feasting on escargot and sipping champagne, the next thing you know someone is handing you a warm bologna sandwich while the guy next to you pinches one off in an ice bucket. I shudder to think what would have happened if they had not been able to partially restore a buffet and sewage system. The situation was deteriorating so rapidly it sounds as if passengers were a sunset away from cannibalism.

By the time she hits port, the boat will be full of haggard barbarians whose necklaces will be adorned by the sun-bleached bones of the innocent. The captain has probably re-purposed the shuffleboard court for hourly human sacrifices to the dark master. Passengers will really know to panic when it is announced that all sodas are “complimentary.”     

Having eaten several meals aboard a similar vessel, I can tell you that the only thing more dangerous than being adrift at sea is being anywhere near the Lido deck when the captain announces that the buffet has been temporarily reopened. I can assure you that the “women and children first” mandate is nothing more than a heartwarming idea. Bob and Becky from Denver may have seemed polite at the formal dinner but I guarantee you that once the chips are down they will not hesitate to take out grandma’s bad hip if it gets them closer to the pesto sauce.

I did appreciate how Carnival specified that their full refund did not cover gambling losses or duty-free souvenirs. I’ll bet that shipboard photographer isn’t so eager to document your memories now. I can just see some poor guy trying to coax a displaced family together for a portrait:

Ma’am, if you and your husband would step over to the right of your bedroll I will try and crop out the urine bags and fecal graffiti. That’s it. Say, “maritime pandemonium!”

Sadly, their first priority was probably to restore power to the casino since they are still in international waters. Although at this point the craps table is probably surrounded by crew members playing Russian roulette a la The Deer Hunter.

Carnival also said they will issue passes for a “free cruise” along with the refund. I don’t know about you, but after spending four days adrift in the gulf while my former table mates fashion shivs from their Sign & Sail pass I am not sure how eager I will be to hop aboard the Carnival Doldrums in the future. Perhaps Carnival should name their ships something less grandiose and more indicative of their offerings like the Carnival Adequate or the Carnival Sufficiently Buoyant.

Random Thoughts Part 4

• Why is it that every time I am filling out an online form that requests my date of birth, it defaults to today’s date? How many newborns are completing online paperwork? Can’t they just split the difference and default to 1972 so I can stop scrolling backwards from 2013?

• Movie Idea: Charlene is a competitive body-hair stylist framed for the murder of Peruvian diplomat and the only way to prove her innocence is by going deep undercover in the shadowy world of dairy smuggling.

• When I have been on hold for an extended period of time, nothing erodes at my patience more effectively than having a recording repeatedly inform me that it “appreciates my patience.”

• I don’t think it is a coincidence that the local movie theater with the most uncomfortable seats features the largest number of chiropractic advertisements.

• I am convinced that Nestle is one of the most brilliant corporations on the planet. How else can you describe a company that makes over 20 billion dollars a year selling candy bars and ice cream but still has the audacity to own Lean Cuisine and Jenny Craig?

• I dislike when the self-checkout kiosk asks me if “Is the Amount OK?” as if it needed my opinion on the store’s valuation of its own inventory. Does it want my opinion? Am I allowed to haggle? If I select “No” will I be presented with the opportunity to suggest a more reasonable grand total? The correct terminology would be “Is Displayed Total Correct?”

• Just once, I would like to see a women’s magazine that advertised “12 Easy Ways to Maintain Your Current Weight and Proportions.”

• I am relieved that having an imaginary girlfriend has become fashionable again. I had one in middle school named Jill Masterson (a name I must have subconsciously absorbed from repeated viewings of Goldfinger) and she was unable to make an appearance to my classmates due to a debilitating sunlight allergy. I do hope she is feeling better.

• At what point did Charmin decide that the best way to market its product was to associate it with animated bears?

• I wish I could land a job creating coupons for fast food chains since their goals seems to make them instantly appealing but impossible to redeem:

1.       Buy 4 large cream sodas and receive 20% off the discontinued menu item of your choice.

2.       Free Adult Entrée! (When you purchase a dozen Spinach Cheesecakes Bites and pay in exact change using only quarters.)

3.        Free Large Meat Lover’s Pizza with a current American Vegetarian Association membership.

4.       Buy one menu item at regular price and receive one regularly-priced menu item.

Supplemental's Income

Like many Americans, I have become increasingly intrigued by the promise of “natural supplements.” Just a leisurely stroll through your local CVS, Rite-Aid, or Walgreens will reveal the mindboggling scope of what can be accomplished without the use of pharmaceuticals. Depression, insomnia, and arthritis can all be cured simply by ingesting a few capsules of whatever extract happens to be fairly easy to monetize. Some, such as fish oil, appear to have genuine benefits that can be backed by a respectable amount of research; others appear to have been produced simply because people will purchase them.

My first foray into the world of natural supplement was Melatonin. I occasionally have issue getting enough sleep but did not want to rely on a prescription. Plus I did not want to wake up and find myself in a Delaware Waffle House asking random strangers if my Shetland pony was still wearing my pants. So, my mother suggested trying Melatonin supplements which are marketed as a “Relaxation/Sleep Aid” and can be purchased form any local pharmacy.

The first characteristic that struck me was the meticulously-worded label. In large letters it reassured potential buyers that Melatonin was a “clinically studied ingredient.” This is perhaps the vaguest marketing strategy since “award winning” came into widespread use. Taken at face value, this claims nothing more than someone, at some point, contemplated the ingredient while at least being in physical proximity to something that could be classified as a clinic. What they are attempting to convey are images of fit, bespectacled college-graduates running around in lab coats; but legally-speaking the sentence could just as easily describe an incident where the clinic janitor looked up Melatonin on Wikipedia.

The bottle also featured a disconcerting number of asterisks that inevitably led to small disclaimers on the back. Each reiterated that none of the statements on the front had been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, or USDA and that the product was not intended to diagnose or cure any disease. Despite my initial trepidation, I decided to give it a shot. I will say that the few times I have taken it; I feel that I have slept better. Whether this is due to the ingredients or psychosomatic suggestion is up for debate. 

At any rate, I got on the company’s website to see what other products they offered. Here are my favorites:

Soy Isoflavones – These are “phytonutrients” formulated to provide nutritional support for women “before, during, and after menopause.” In other words, if you have ovaries and are currently living you could benefit from this. And just in case you were wondering, the prefix “phyto” means “plant” in Greek, so you can use it to impress your friends and neighbors by telling them that you have to swing by Lowe’s to get some phyto-food for your begonias.

Milk Thistle (Now with Dandelion) – Using the power of the flavonoid “silymarin” that “helps support the structure of the outer cell membrane of liver cells” this supplement promotes the healthy function of the liver. I really enjoyed how they make note of the inclusion of dandelion. Here I have spent years attempting to rid my lawn of this troublesome weed only to find that it apparently has a street value.

Cascara Sagrada – this buckthorn extract is a natural laxative that promotes “safe & gentle cleansing.” It is recommended that you take the 450 MG with tea and drink 48 ounces of water throughout the day. First of all, if you can choke down 3 ½ quarts of water each day and still drink tea your issue may be diabetes not constipation. Also, the term “gentle” can vary from person to person so I would like some clarification.

Horny Goat Weed (with Maca) – this Oriental herb (normally sold as an impulse buy at truck stops) is known to “intensify desire” and “enhance romance.” The recommended dosage is taking two 800 MG capsules twice every day. I would argue that if you need a 2400 MG dosage of anything to facilitate desire, you may not be physically attracted to who you think you are. Also, what is the deal with taking it daily? There are situations where you might not want to become overwhelmed by “intense desire” (greeting the UPS driver, standing in Toys R Us, etc…)

Most of the other offerings could easily be misconstrued as street drugs (Black Cohosh, Astaxanthin, Echinacea Whole Herb) and all carry labels that make judicious use of asterisks and the prefix “may promote.” Personally, I hope that all of these do exactly what they say they will do so I can save money on health insurance and office visits, but until there is a rigorous system of clinical trials I guess I will be popping Ginkoba Giraffe Marrow on faith. 

The Birthplan

A universal piece of advice given to all first-time parents is to create a written birth-plan. Ideally, this will succinctly outline your expectations and preferences concerning labor and delivery while serving as a reference point for hospital staff. After consulting with my wife I have created the following:  

• There should be no one else allowed in the room outside of myself, my wife, and essential medical personnel. The presence of nursing students or other academic observers will only be acceptable if we are offered a substantial discount on our forthcoming medical bills.

• We would like the ability to provide our own music. Furthermore, any employees with ringtones featuring Nickelback, The Black-Eyed Peas, or Justin Bieber must place their device on vibrate before entering the room as work by these artists may distress both the fetus and its biological father.

• We wish to breastfeed exclusively, both for its proven developmental advantages and the fact that the street value of formula has surpassed that of uncut heroin. Please do not offer our child sugar water, formula, pacifiers, cigarettes, Quaaludes, Jägermeister, or Nachos Bell Grande.

• If a C-Section is deemed necessary I wish to my partner to be present as much as possible despite his penchant for ill-timed jokes.

• My wife would like to hold the child as soon as possible by postponing any non-essential procedures and we also wish to cut the umbilical cord. We plan to donate the cord blood to a public bank unless a situation arises whereby it can be exchanged for an Amazon.com gift card.

• If available, we request access to a birthing ball, labor lunger, delivery dumbells, uterine umbrella or any other accessories that may naturally facilitate and expedite the process.   

• My wife will require pharmaceutical pain management early and often. While we both admire mothers who valiantly endure the pain of labor by biting on a wooden spoon and mentally reciting the Lord’s Prayer, I do not wish for my child’s newly-formed ears to be assailed by various incarnations of the F-word.

• We will not require any mirrors or reflective surfaces of any kind. My wife has no desire to see her own distended and traumatized nether-regions during birth.

• We will not be recording the birth as we are unable to fathom a scenario that necessitates us reliving the experience in real-time. Also, please do not send in a hospital-sanctioned photographer as this is a medical facility and not a cruise ship.

• While Methodist, we wish to have a Catholic priest on standby in case of an Rosemary’s Baby / Omen situation since the UMC has no formal protocol for exorcisms.

• In the event that our offspring is singularly unattractive, we request that hospital staff refrain from comment or at least have the decency to lie to our faces until such time they might privately discuss our newborn’s esthetic shortcomings.