The Gay Dog

About a year ago, 57 year-old Ian Jolly was attempting to have a quiet dinner with a female companion in the bustling Australian metropolis of Adelaide. As Australia’s fifth largest city, it boasts a large variety of dinning choices due in no small part to the influx of both European and Asian immigrants after World War II and The Vietnam War respectively. It was from amongst this culinary smorgasbord that Ian selected the Thai Spice restaurant, a moderately priced bistro that offers specials like BBQ Coconut Chicken for around $10.

Ian is somewhat unique in the fact that he requires the use of a service animal named Nudge to navigate the busy streets as he is unable to rely on his own eyesight. As he and his companion walked into the restaurant, an employee confronted the pair about bringing a dog into the dining area. Undoubtedly accustomed to such inquiries, the unnamed female companion explained that the canine was Mr. Jolly’s “guide dog” and was allowed to accompany him because of his disability.

It was at this point things took a turn for the worst. The employee misheard “guide dog” and thought that the couple was explaining they had a “gay dog” and immediately refused to serve them on the basis of the animal’s sexual orientation. Understandably embarrassed by the scene, they left the restaurant and aired their grievances in the public forum. In a statement to South Australia's Equal Opportunity Tribunal, the restaurant’s owners defended their decision saying, “The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog.”

Now a year after the fact, Thai Spice has been ordered to issue Ian Jolly a written apology and $1,400 in damages for the incident. In published response to the entire affair, Mr. Jolly lamented, “I just want to be like everybody else and be able to go out for dinner, to be left alone and just enjoy a meal.” There have been no further developments on the sexual preferences of Nudge.

In order to be impartial, let us assume that Thai Spice operates at the auditory level of an Abercrombie & Fitch thereby making normal human interaction nearly impossible. Perhaps the restaurant employee genuinely believed that the conversation unfolded in the following manner:

Hostess: “I am sorry, but we do not allow pets inside Thai Spice”

Woman: “It’s okay. Nudge is my friend’s gay dog”

Hostess: “I don’t care who he belongs to, we are not having a gay dog sashaying around while people are trying to finish their Chili Squid Appetizers.”

Woman: “You don’t understand….”

Hostess: whispering in earpiece “Security, we have a code lilac. This is not a drill!”

Even taking the lack of communication into account, most normal people would clarify what they thought they heard before unceremoniously ejected a senior citizen on the basis of their dog’s sexuality. Perhaps it might be prudent to simply ask, “Could you repeat that ma’am?” After all, it is somewhat unusual for someone to explain their animal’s unexpected presence by blurting out that their pet is attracted to other pets of the same gender.

So assuming that the employee was unable to ascertain that the man being led around by a harnessed canine was blind, and assuming that he or she genuinely thought that said canine was gay, why would that be the direct result of spaying or neutering? Would you really want someone who believes that an animal can become “surgically gay” preparing your sweet and sour pork?

My dog was spayed several years ago, but at the time my wife and I did not realize that we were making a lifestyle choice for her as well as a medical decision……

The Feminine Mystique

Marriage experts will tell you that one of the most powerful signs of commitment is the presence of trust in a relationship. While I agree that trust is an important concept, nothing demonstrates a deeper understanding of dedication than a man’s willingness to shop for feminine hygiene products without supervision.

As the primary Wal-Mart shopper in my marital relationship, I very often find myself alongside a gaggle of pre-menopausal women attempting to locate a box of tampons. Excluding the obvious embarrassment of purchasing such a product, I am convinced that the manufacturers of these items purposefully alter the package design every two months in order to confuse hapless shoppers like myself. On top of the packaging changes, that particular section represents more flow rates than a municipal fire hydrant system. To complicate matters further, most of the competing brands have different designations for each level of “menstrual intensity.”

·         Light (also known as “spotty” or “minor league menstruation”) – judging by the bar graph on the back of the boxes, this item is for people who require tampons only as a fashion accessory.

·         Moderate (also known as “normal”) – I assume that this is where you begin unless told otherwise.

·         Regular (also known as “standard”) – This is to satisfy your tampon needs while reminding you that you are nothing out of the ordinary.

·         Heavy (also known as “super” or “deluge”) – when you are ready to step up to the big leagues….

·         Ultra (also known as “anemic” or “Armageddon”) - these generally indicates a severe medical problem and are presumably made from recycled Brawny paper towel rolls.

Even with all that confusion, I would much rather shop for tampons than pads. Not only do pads cover all of the above flow rates, they also have confusing accessories. With wings, without wings, flex-weave technology, and micro-core fabrics are just of few of the enhancements available on a feminine liner. After you see the word “wings” so many times you begun to feel like a purchasing agent for Boeing.

The second most frustrating item to purchase for my wife would have to be lotion. Most men would scoff at such a statement, but they have not seen horrors that I have seen. Like tampons, there are several designations that do not translate across brands. You can identify by skin type such as normal, oily, sensitive, extra sensitive, and dry (my personal favorite). Once you have identified your skin type, you will want to select products by unique ingredient such as Shea Butter Extracts, Natural Oatmeal (I guess synthetic oatmeal has not yet caught on) and Activated Emollients.

I have also noticed a growing trend in this department.  Bottles are being prominently labeled with “Dermatologist Tested.” Although it sounds impressive, this statement simply assures the consumer that at least one dermatologist somewhere in the world was persuaded to apply this lotion to their hands on at least one occasion. Furthermore, such labeling does not actually claim that the dermatologist liked the product or felt that it was safe for use on humans. Using this logic, it would not be misleading to place stickers on bags of heroin that said “Physician Tested” since on at least one occasion a board certified general practitioner has used heroin.

The third and final most frustrating product to purchase for a member of the fairer sex is shampoo. As a male, I was generally only aware of two categories of hair care products: with or without dandruff control. Such simplicity is an unheard of luxury in the realm of women’s shampoo and conditioners where each individual must decide whether their hair is dry, coarse, fine, thin, full, thick, frizzy, color treated, wavy, or oily.

Once you have classified your hair, you must then decide whether or not you wish to combine your conditioner with the shampoo, or apply it separately. I personally cannot think of a more agonizing decision. I discovered, from purchasing the wrong type on a few occasions, that it would have been much more pleasant to show up at my house with a prostitute, than to try and explain why I had the audacity to purchase the Pantene Pro-V for fine hair instead of full & thick.

Jesus Loves Bacon!

On April 6, The Daily Telegraph reported that a local family had spotted Jesus in a piece of discarded chewing gum. The messianic appearance occurred on Good Friday when mother of two Nelly Noden removed a piece of gum from her mouth and laid it on the fireplace mantle so that she could enjoy some chips. When interviewed Mrs. Noden said, “I went to pick it up again and Jesus was just there, starring at me.”

Although admittedly not religious, the family believes that the timing is significant since the incident occurred around both Easter and Mrs. Noden’s birthday. “It was a real moment," admitted the U.K. mom, "My daughters and I were jumping around the room." The flavor of the gum has not been revealed, but the family plans to keep the artifact for posterity.

This was not the first time Jesus has made an appearance in a U.K. household this year. Just a month prior, The Daily Telegraph reported that a local bank teller named Toby Elles had conjured up an image of the Almighty while frying bacon. According to Mr. Elles, he and some friends had downed some beers and decided that some late night pork was in order. Unfortunately, Toby passed out on the couch for an hour after he tossed the bacon on the stove and when he came to; the house was filled with smoke.

Rushing to the stove, the 22-year old “lifted up the bacon and there was JC looking back at me.” Fearing that cleaning the pan would cause him to get “struck by lightning,” he has decided that he might get a permanent glass display case for the grease-fire miracle.  He reassures the public that he is “going to keep it for the rest of my life, perhaps it can watch over me." 

These two incidents imply several things:

1.       Jesus loves bacon, chewing gum, and the United Kingdom (all admirable).

2.       Working smoke alarms are only important if you wish to impede a domestic miracle.

3.       God rewards those who do not wish to waste a perfectly acceptable stick of slightly used chewing gum.

What bothers me most is that in most of these “appearance” cases, we rely solely on a stereotypical artistic depiction of Jesus. Long shoulder length hair, full beard, great complexion, and exceptional abs. In other words, that frying pan could just as easily be a depiction of a 1970’s era Kenny Loggins.

In fact, I feel that we are doing Mr. Loggins a great disservice by assuming that every long-haired, bearded apparition is Jesus. What if all this time we have been incorrectly categorizing Kenny sightings? Perhaps someone should cross-reference some of these claims. Do any of these people own the Footloose soundtrack? Have any of them recently purchased Caddyshack on Blu-Ray? Just something to think about…

However, if these incidents are not hoaxes, then the second coming of Christ appears to be a real snooze-fest. From what I know of the Bible, Messiah 2.0 is going to be much more dramatic than a pre-chewed stick of Big Red and an unattended stove top. 

Amateur Graffiti & You

Several weeks ago on a beautiful spring day, my wife and I decided to take a leisurely stroll at a local nature park. Surrounded by the calming breeze and the stir of seasonal awakenings we took to one of the many wooden boardwalks that dissect the park. As we walked along I noticed that one of the handrails had recently been replaced and a budding young artist had adorned it with a poem. Upon further review however, I found that it was not a poem at all but rather a vicious personal attack:

I began to wonder what type of person would plan a trip to a nature park in order to spread the word about someone else’s supposed sexual promiscuity. If maximizing foot traffic was the goal I could think of much more effective areas than the handrail on trail #3 at a secluded nature park. Perhaps that very trail is where the two paramours first met or shared their first kiss before their mutual affection soured; or perhaps this was just a maladjusted adolescent who had been turned down for prom. Whatever the reason, it got me thinking about other arenas that showcased amateur graffiti.  

Over the years my unparalleled skill at combining interstate travel with mild Irritable Bowel Syndrome has granted me the privilege of viewing the interiors of many gas station restroom stalls. What I have observed over the years is that most of them have something in common, other than a lingering odor of shame and defeat; they are all covered in novice graffiti. Some are phone numbers, a few are declarations of affection, but by and large they are expressions of hatred. The question is; who are these people, who do they hate, and how do they express it?

When reading a message, I often wonder who these individuals are. Do they always have a chisel-tipped Sharpie on stand-by in case of an intestinal away-game? Are angry people drawn to public restrooms or are they angry because they have been reduced to using said restrooms? Unfortunately, I could find no exhaustive studies on the correlation between hatred and making a number 2 so we are left with only idle speculation; which happens to be a specialty of mine.

While it is usually impossible to identify the stereotypical graffiti artist, we can make several assumptions based on their handy work. In order to do these we must establish a pattern of how the work is presented and its subject matter.

The Call to Action

This usually consists of a series of instructions bookended by a racial slur and encourages like-minded stall dwellers to take up the cause. In the world of public oration, this is commonly known as a persuasive speech.

Example A – Kill all the Ruffles* or send them back where they came from!

In this example, the author intends to incite a localized ethnic cleansing campaign. The strategy is somewhat flawed as the originator of the comment did not leave any contact information thereby undermining his chance at forming a cohesive movement. However, one must applaud his use of deportation as a viable alternative for those who are still morally opposed to homicide.

Example B -White Power!

Like many calls to action, this one is based on race. Given the lack of a specific context, it would seem that the responsible parties intend to make a case for generalized intellectual superiority based on a Caucasian heritage. Certainly if there is any action that demonstrates cognitive prowess, it is intentionally defacing stall number four at a south Alabama rest area. Occasionally the artist will undermine their claim of extraordinary intelligence by substituting “Arian” for “Aryan” when referencing a specific ideology. For the record, Arianism refers to the teachings of Arius, an ancient Christian theologian that held somewhat controversial beliefs about the doctrine of the Holy Trinity. Aryanism loosely refers to the idea of practicing eugenics to form a “master race” that would populate the Earth (and presumably continue to misspell words as they defaced restroom walls.)

The Statement of Fact

In these situations, the originator of the graffiti wishes to broadcast information that they feel is pertinent to the populace as a whole. Since we can safely assume that many of them do not have access to mainstream media outlets (TV, radio, etc.) they have selected the next best thing: the wall.

Example A  – Lisa is a skanky Dorito

Here the author clearly intends to disseminate the information that Lisa is no longer a woman beyond moral reproach. Her hygiene, countenance, and general moral character have been called into question and the message simply wishes to alert others of this discovery so that they might avoid undesirable personal entanglements. Barely even registering as graffiti, this type of message is more akin to an impromptu community bulletin board.

Example B - Your Girlfriend Fritos people’s Tostitos for Quarters.

 Not nearly as informative as the previous entry, it would seem that this artist is making a generalized statement meant to broadly offend. In these cases “Your Girlfriend” is often substituted for “Your Mom”, “Your Granny”, or the occasional “Your Face.” On an economic note, in the context of a financial recession, reduction of price for services rendered can be a powerful catalyst for new customers. When seen in this light, the derogatory message could be sound entrepreneurial advice for a struggling small business owner.

The Conversation

Example:

Visitor 1: Gargle on my Sun Chips

Visitor 2:  I am busy at your mom’s house

Visitor 3: Both of your moms gargle my Sun Chips

 Visitor 1: Pringle you, Cheeto Puff!

Unlike the previous entries, these tend to be collaborative efforts that often involve three or more people. The content of the original post elicits a reaction from the next pen-wielding motorist with the squirts and a communiqué is born. The downside to this structure is that the conversation tends to escalate unnecessarily. We can safely assume that visitor 2 has never been acquainted with visitor 1’s momma thus making it even less likely that visitor 3 is a mutual associate of both mothers.

These conversations tend to continue until one of three situations presents itself:

·         The participants run out of wall space and are forced to continue their conversation at another establishment with a public restroom.

·         The owner of the current establishment renovates the bathroom and the archived statements are no longer visible.

·         All participants feel that the discussion has come to satisfactory conclusion (or the list of relatives to insult has been exhausted.)

Regardless of the form utilized, stall-based amateur graffiti will continue to provide intestinally-challenged travelers with a welcome distraction from wondering what microscopic organisms are currently chewing their way through the delicate barrier of single-ply toilet paper that separates them from the remnants of someone else’s poor culinary choices.

*Please note that in order to prevent further proliferation of racial slurs and unnecessary profanity I have replaced all offensive words with popular brands of potato chips.