Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Celebrity News Stories That Never Matter Ever

Headline #1
 Madonna and Ellen DeGeneres are related.
In this earth-shattering scoop, it was revealed that the two women are 11th cousins and share a common French ancestor that lived in the late 1500’s. I cannot imagine the profound impact this will have on each of their lives. It brings to mind the countless nights that I lie awake in bed wondering who my 11th cousin is and how their life is progressing. Oh to have that knowledge………
Other than a detailed accounting of Celine Dion’s bowel movement schedule, I cannot imagine a more potent waste of people’s time. There is a reason that most people don’t know who their 11th cousin is: they don’t care; and if they don’t care, why should anyone else?
Headline #2
Ricky Martin is not a Heterosexual.
On March 29, 2010, CNN reported that Latin singer Ricky Martin took to his website to announce that he was in fact, a gay man. I was floored by such an admission because I thought he had announced that ten years ago. I did not know that there was any speculation to put an end to. For those who were taken by surprise by this news I give you exhibit A:

Headline #3
CNBC Host Rachel Maddow Does Not Watch TV on the weekends.
The investigative journalism juggernaut that is People Magazine broke this nugget last week. According to their exclusive sources, television and radio personality Rachel Maddow does not even have cable at her home. Eager readers will want to stay tuned to in case Miss Maddow decides to switch cell phone providers.
Headline #4
Ryan Seacrest insists that he and Simon Cowell are friends.
In an interview with Madonna’s 11th cousin, Ryan Seacrest reiterated that all of the verbal sparring on American Idol was just for show. He was apparently under the impression that a large percentage of the American populace was concerned about the status of his relationship with Mr. Cowell and wanted to clear the air.
As much as I dislike Mr. Seacrest, I will have to admit that it takes a certain level of talent to consistently be on more channels than the sitting president.
Headline #5
Jessica Simpson is fond of her nose.
Fox News is reporting that Jessica Simpson’s favorite body part is her nose. When the news staff wisely asked her to elaborate, she responded that no one “else has my exact same nose.” She added that this knowledge has helped her cope with some difficult times and provided “some light in the dark place I was in.”
I can only tip my hat to the brave men and women of Fox News for setting the standard for journalistic integrity. I cannot imagine bringing children into a world where a mid-level celebrity’s favorite body part was not deemed newsworthy.

Headline #6
Duggar Kids Meet Baby Josie Via iPhone!
US Weekly was the first to report that the Dugger family (famous for producing enough offspring to form an adorable, yet violent street gang) used an iPhone to show off their 19th child to the other kids who were unable to visit their new sister in the hospital.
I am not sure what is less surprising; that it is possible to purchase a cell phone that can record a video or that the Dugger family has produced another baby. As if this tidbit wasn’t enough, US Weekly has also obtained rights to the video itself where Jim Bob “Super Sperm” Dugger can be heard providing helpful commentary about baby Josie like “"She's laying here, just kind of snoozing.” Well said Jim Bob; well said.

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