Parenting necessitates the use of some very unusual sentences. These have actually been said in our home:
- This is as loud as the hippopotamus song gets!
- Who put yogurt in the T-Rex’s mouth?
- Did someone eat all of the sidewalk chalk?
- When did you take your pants off?
- If you do not poop, you will not get a seahorse!
- It should also be noted that, in a house of toddlers, you are unlikely to get a favorable answer to the question, “Why is ______ all wet!?” It is like playing a round of “what’s that smell?” There are no winners.
- I love it when I request a service call to my residence and I am expected to give a binding answer concerning occupancy to a vague window of time. Such as, “We should definitely be able to get someone out there to look at your waterfall grotto, will there be anyone home after April?"
- It is always interesting to witness a transaction when the sales clerk is forced to employ gentle euphemisms for a declined card:
Sir, it appears that we are unable to complete the transaction within the current parameters….
Swipe it again!
Sir, the system has requested an alternate method of payment for your purchase....
Sir, there appears to be a problem with your card...
Sir, it would appear that you are poor...
Oh. Can you break $100?
- There is no greater harbinger to a forthcoming discriminatory comment than when someone prefaces their statement with, “You know me. Some of my best friends are Jewish / black / Latino / hemophiliacs / Frisbee enthusiasts / graphic design artists from Portland.”
Each time my wife or I visit a new primary care physician, the new patient questionnaire gets more and more elaborate to the point of self-diagnoses:
- Are you at an increased risk for prediabetes?
- Please circle any words that make you sad.
- Do you have a family history of heart disease?
- Did your paternal grandmother ever suffered from bowel distension?
- Do you think you have mono? Please explain...
At some point, the medical profession is just going to consist of individuals with the ability to comprehend a form while sitting on a rolling stool.
- I have always wanted to answer the “Do you abuse prescription drugs on a regular basis?” question with “That depends on how today goes” or just scratch the word REVENGE where it asks for the purpose of today’s visit.
- The Venn diagram of American males eligible to collect social security and American males who feel compelled to mow the lawn shirtless contains more overlap than it should.
- I just read a story about an at-home fertility machine called Trak. It determines your sperm count and syncs the data with a smartphone app. Half of America is still trying to understand how to properly respond to a group text so I imagine this can’t miss. #LittleSwimmersForHIPAA
- Isn’t “athletic cut” a fancy way of selling you the same shirt at the same price while using less fabric?
- New Cosmopolitan Magazine description for sales brochures: People more attractive than you have better sex than you while maintaining lower body-fat than you. Details inside.
- My wife and I were recently in Lowes looking for carpet when a large sign caught my eye. It said “Lifetime Vomit and Feces Guarantee” I naturally assumed that this was a part of the Stainmaster Frat-House series. I jokingly asked the salesman if he had anything with stain resistance so good that it would ensure acquittal in a homicide case like a Stainmaster Forensic Series endorsed by the Gambino Family. He smiled wryly and said, “We could call it the husband series.” I did not make any more jokes with the salesman.
- Do terrorist organizations have casual Fridays?
- There is no faster way to locate the underside of a car tire than to reposition an extension cord.