Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Jesus Loves Bacon!


On April 6, The Daily Telegraph reported that a local family had spotted Jesus in a piece of discarded chewing gum. The messianic appearance occurred on Good Friday when mother of two Nelly Noden removed a piece of gum from her mouth and laid it on the fireplace mantle so that she could enjoy some chips. When interviewed Mrs. Noden said, “I went to pick it up again and Jesus was just there, starring at me.”

Although admittedly not religious, the family believes that the timing is significant since the incident occurred around both Easter and Mrs. Noden’s birthday. “It was a real moment," admitted the U.K. mom, "My daughters and I were jumping around the room." The flavor of the gum has not been revealed, but the family plans to keep the artifact for posterity.
This was not the first time Jesus has made an appearance in a U.K. household this year. Just a month prior, The Daily Telegraph reported that a local bank teller named Toby Elles had conjured up an image of the Almighty while frying bacon. According to Mr. Elles, he and some friends had downed some beers and decided that some late night pork was in order. Unfortunately, Toby passed out on the couch for an hour after he tossed the bacon on the stove and when he came to; the house was filled with smoke.
Rushing to the stove, the 22-year old “lifted up the bacon and there was JC looking back at me.” Fearing that cleaning the pan would cause him to get “struck by lightning,” he has decided that he might get a permanent glass display case for the grease-fire miracle.  He reassures the public that he is “going to keep it for the rest of my life, perhaps it can watch over me." 

These two incidents imply several things:
1.       Jesus loves bacon, chewing gum, and the United Kingdom (all admirable).
2.       Working smoke alarms are only important if you wish to impede a domestic miracle.
3.       God rewards those who do not wish to waste a perfectly acceptable stick of slightly used chewing gum.
What bothers me most is that in most of these “appearance” cases, we rely solely on a stereotypical artistic depiction of Jesus. Long shoulder length hair, full beard, great complexion, and exceptional abs. In other words, that frying pan could just as easily be a depiction of a 1970’s era Kenny Loggins.
In fact, I feel that we are doing Mr. Loggins a great disservice by assuming that every long-haired, bearded apparition is Jesus. What if all this time we have been incorrectly categorizing Kenny sightings? Perhaps someone should cross-reference some of these claims. Do any of these people own the Footloose soundtrack? Have any of them recently purchased Caddyshack on Blu-Ray? Just something to think about…
However, if these incidents are not hoaxes, then the second coming of Christ appears to be a real snooze-fest. From what I know of the Bible, Messiah 2.0 is going to be much more dramatic than a pre-chewed stick of Big Red and an unattended stove top. 

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