Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Art of Seduction


As most of you are aware, Brett Favre has run into a spot of trouble lately. It seems that the married, father of two, may have attempted to seduce former New York Jets employee / Playboy model Jenn Sterger in 2008 by utilizing his wholesome southern charm and several inappropriate voicemails. On several occasions he attempted to rendezvous with the raven-haired co-ed after practice to prove that he does not waffle on the subject of infidelity.
Favre & Alleged Pen-pal Jenn Sterger
 After several unsuccessful attempts at luring Jenn to an early bird dinner, he decided to kick it up a notch by removing his Wranglers and taking a few photos of “little Brett.” He then allegedly sent those photos as text messages to Miss Sterger who, although she did not respond to them, apparently decided to retain them for posterity. They remained on her computer until this year when the website Deadspin.com paid an undisclosed sum to obtain copies of the photos and voicemails.

While I do not wish argue the validity of Sterger’s claim, this case has highlighted a disturbing trend in modern seduction. The same scenario is occurring all over America and recently resulted in the termination of an employee where I work. The process is as follows:
  1.  Identify potential mate.
  2. Ask potential mate to dinner.
  3. If potential mate display slightest hesitation, show potential mate “the goods.”
  4. Regret step 3
  5. Repeat
Having been estranged from the dating world for nearly a decade, I fully realize that perhaps the progression of courtship has evolved somewhat and I am simply behind the times. However, I also find it hard to believe that a grainy cell phone pic of a man’s “eggroll” is going to eliminate a woman’s initial trepidation concerning a person’s viability as a partner. What was Mr. Favre’s thought process before sending the first message? Had he convinced himself that Miss Sterger’s hesitation was nothing more than being unconvinced that he was in possession of a penis? What happened to the art of seduction?

If this is the way heterosexual romance is progressing then e-harmony.com will be out of business within the calendar year. Who needs thirty-two levels of emotional compatibility if a woman’s main interest is a poorly-lit “genital line-up?” As Henry Winkler observed on Arrested Development, at close range “it all looks like landscape” anyway.

The other, and far more plausible, scenario is that men are every bit as clueless as we appear. Unable to comprehend rejection based on personality, demeanor, or emotional maturity we decide that the most effective way to convince an attractive woman that we are worth her time is to show her our wiener. I have no idea why women haven’t completely given up on the entire male gender. On behalf of men everywhere, I offer my sincerest apology for the trend of “man-gear messaging.”

2 comments:

  1. This happened to me recently. I don't know what was more disturbing; the actual pictures or the fact that I willingly gave a presumable stranger my cell phone number. I had been "chatting" with this young male (21) for several days, and he appeared to have his head on straight (no pun intended) and seemed pretty cool. He wanted to continue our conversation through text messages, therefore I gave him my number. I'm 23, and normally I don't fool with boys, but I figured since its just texting, what can that hurt? Right?

    This is why I don't waste my valuable time with men born after 1984. What started off as casual conversation, quickly nose-dived into a series of random topless photos, on his behalf. He looked like a scrawny malnourished pollock, but continued to boast about his "genetic" abdominal muscles: the layer of muscular tissue that appears as "six pack" because fat doesn't exist between that and your skin. He kinda looked strung out, might I add...possibly hadn't showered in several days. I quickly began attempts to end our communication session, because I'd had enough of this loser. My guess is that he's never made it past 1st base with a female, and if he has, he was called out before advancing to second. He must have caught onto my plan, which is when he began with the "mini me" photos. Without warning, my phone starts chirrping uncontrollably at the incoming picture messages. I opened the first one, lo and behold: a sad, hairless, ghastly pale and fragile looking member, held between two digits as if it was being put on display for its proudest moment in life. I wanted to barf! As if this picture had changed everything, I assume I was expected to shriek with excitement and drive the 300 mile distance to succumb to this creature? I was astonished at how dumb this person must really be, and I was curious as to what thoughts went through his mind before he sent that. It was offensive. Like I said, I cannnot figure out what possessed me to give a stranger my number, but I did learn a valuable lesson. I never responded back, and when he continued to blow my phone up the following day, I ignored him. Eventually he gave up, maybe taking a clue from his behavior and also learned something from this. It is true, the art of seduction no longer exists. These days, you're lucky to receive a face with a said body part.

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  2. Exceptional MediocrityNovember 14, 2010 at 4:58 PM

    I am saddened to hear of your unfortunate amorous encounter. Perhaps the young suitor will learn from his mistakes, but I dare say that you weren’t the first (nor shall you be the last) young woman he shall attempt to seduce with low-resolution images of his “reproductive implement.”

    On a side note, please exercise caution when giving out your cell phone number. You are one of maybe 10 people that read this blog so if something were to happen to you I could potentially see a 10% drop in overall readership that I can ill afford.

    Thanks for the comment!

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