Saturday, December 3, 2011

Animal Lovers


Recently, the prestigious Journal of Sexual Medicine released a groundbreaking study correlating the instances of penile cancer with bestiality. The authors of the study found that men who admitted to participating in SWA (sex with animals) were twice as likely to develop the specific form of cancer. The study involved around 500 men who answered questions about their carnal preferences. As a bonus, the report also included an unnecessarily-detailed hypothesis which I will not reprint here.


A female member of pro-zoophilia group has publicly responded to the report indicating that while the findings might cause animal lovers to be “more cautious” by using protection, it is unlikely to cause any of them to “change their nature.”  Coincidentally, the study was released at the same time Florida’s state legislature unanimously passed a measure banning bestiality within the state. This makes Florida the 37th state to specifically ban the act.

Sadly, the fact that there is a regular publication that considers a bestiality/penile cancer study worthy of a feature does not surprise me. What is shocking, is that the practice of zoophilia has become worthy of its own acronym. Abbreviations like LOL, IDK, and OMG have infiltrated our modern vernacular because of their frequency of use so I would like to believe that we have not yet arrived at a point where we need a slang term for an erotic evening with a llama.

In fact, how can a study like this even be validated? Apparently, all the information was gleaned from a voluntary questionnaire distributed by an urologist. Can you imagine how they managed to slip that little nugget into the questionnaire?

Have you experienced pain or discomfort during urination?
Have you noticed swelling, redness, or irritation in your pelvic region?
Do you find yourself sexually attracted to hooved mammals?
Furthermore, if the study’s authors referred to bestiality by its new street name half the men probably did not know what they were answering yes to. When the doctors asked the patients if they “participated in S.W.A.” most of them assumed the study concerned Swedish Water Aerobics.

I must admit that I was shocked to learn that pro-zoophilia groups not only exist, but that they feel compelled to publicly comment on press releases. The story even indicated that there was more than one pro-zoophilia association. Is the result of a schism within the bestiality community? Were there some controversial policies regarding border collies?  Could there be a worse job than being the spokesperson for such an organization? Half of your conversations would simply consist of you repeating the phrase, “Yes, I am serious.”

Obviously these people need some varsity-level counseling because this has to be the easiest way ever to avoid cancer. Just imagine your doctor telling you that the best way to avoid a fatal disease was to not have sex with a cow, and for whatever reason the first question that came to your mind was, “Can I still do it if I take precautions?” It would be like a physician telling me that all I had to was avoid Nickelback concerts or hamster rodeos and I requested a second opinion.

Finally, how is it possible that only 37 states have laws on the books against this? What is the holdup on the other 13 states?  Is there a constitutional amendment I am unaware of that guarantees our right to goat lovin’? I cannot imagine an easier piece of legislation to get out of committee, mostly because no one in their right mind would publicly oppose it. Can you imagine running against the one guy who didn’t want to make bestiality illegal? The television ads would be brutal.

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