Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Things I Have Noticed

  • I am fairly certain that it is illegal to operate a Mexican restaurant in the southeast without offering candy at the cash register. Furthermore, this candy must be purchased by placing change into a small, wicker basket.
  • I do not believe that People magazine has ever published an issue that does not feature at least one exclamation point on the cover. If the issue in question concerns dramatic celebrity weight-loss, this minimum is tripled.
  • There is an unsettling irony when people utilize their Facebook status updates to publicly announce their desire for a situation to remain private. This coy form of dissemination functions as a social “teaser” designed to elicit concerned responses so that information can be dispersed as the poster sees fit while maintaining the illusion that discretion was their intended goal. The resulting lines often read like:
“Why can’t people just understand that I don’t want to talk about my secret past in Norwegian erotic cinema?”
“How come these people are all up in my private business? As if I do not have enough to worry about with my recent demotion and abnormal pap-smear results.”
  • The less spoken dialogue a film utilizes, the more likely it will be to be nominated for Best Picture. This is especially true if the sparse dialogue is broken up by long shots of background scenery sound-tracked by indie bands or artists.
  • The placing of “awareness ribbons” on one’s car to convey a position statement has officially reached the tipping point. I dare say that the majority of the public old enough to drive is already aware of AIDS, War, and Cancer.
  • Perhaps instead of installing a cumbersome “sun screen” on the Redbox machine, you could just install it on the side of the building not facing the sun.
  • I truly believe that you can violate any traffic law as long as you are in possession of an orange hazard cone and are willing to place it within three feet of your vehicle.
  • There is no need for every musician/artist to create their own perfume/cologne. The public is perfectly capable of enjoying your body of work without smelling like you.
  • Having a nickname is endearing, having that nickname printed on your business cards is not.
  • How did we arrive at the place where I must specifically ask for my water to be served without lemon? Are we being conditioned by a powerful lemon conglomerate to believe that consuming water without bits of citrus pulp floating in it is a special request?
  • If you do not exercise you right to vote, please do not subject those of us who did to your political opinions.
  • Why do people find it necessary to pick off the armrest padding at movie theaters? Are there that many patrons afflicted by this compulsion? Why can’t they suffer from a disorder that compels them to throw away their nacho tray instead?
  • Why do textile manufactures feel it is necessary to embroider sayings on the inside of my pants? How does seeing “One leg at a time” while I am on the toilet improve brand loyalty? Are these messages size specific? Does the 58 waist come with “Gravy Milkshakes Are Bad” while the 22 waist reminds you that “Funyuns & Baby Aspirin Do Not Constitute a Meal”?

1 comment:

  1. This may be your BEST column ever !

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