Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Headache

With the recent discovery of the Higgs boson particle, the tireless efforts of scientists worldwide have generated a blitz of media coverage. Such a breakthrough would serve to validate 50 years of physics and will likely prove to be the crowning achievement of the Large Hadron Collider. Sadly, this milestone could be overshadowed by a recently published case study entitled “Headaches Induced by Pornography Use.”

The authors, Kuljeet Singh Anand  and Vikas Dhikav, followed the case of a 24 year-old male software engineer who suffered from “episodes of severe, exploding” headaches upon “watching pornographic videos for the past two years.” The affliction does not affect any other sexual activity, nor does there seem to be scientific reason behind it. When the afflicted young man suggested he simply discontinue his adult viewing habits, he was “advised” to take ibuprofen “half an hour before watching, to which he reported significant pain relief.”
I am not sure what it says about males in general (or computers techs as a profession) that we would willingly submit ourselves to “severe, exploding” headaches for a solid two years before it occurred to us to just stop watching porn. Perhaps even more disturbing is his physician’s reaction to the young man’s long gestating epiphany. Instead of advising his patient to avoid a non-essential activity that causes debilitating suffering, he simply suggests that the most prudent course of action would be to schedule said activity in order to pre-medicate.

How do these people get medical degrees? Let me tell you something, if I tell my physician that the only time I lose control of my bowels is when I watch an episode of Matlock and his first response is “avoid sitting on the nice couch when it comes on,” I am going to shop around for a second opinion. That is like suggesting to my doctor that I should stop smoking five packs a day and he counters that taking a multivitamin would be sufficient.

While I agree it is a curious case, what exactly are we adding to the collective medical knowledge of humanity with this paper? This is literally the only documented case of this affliction on a planet of seven billion people. I feel like we have forgotten how to prioritize. Let’s cure cancer and then, if we have some spare time after developing a vaccine for turtle rabies, we can tackle this. Even if it wasn’t just one person, this sort of ailment isn’t exactly telethon-ready. A nerd with porn-induced migraines doesn’t exactly tug on the heartstrings. I can picture the Sarah Mclachlan-scored television ads now:

            Every year millions of young software engineers enjoy hours of high-quality girl-on-girl action, but not Walter. While the rest of the software programmers are free to enjoy solitary carnal recreation, Walter has no other option but to pursue an emotionally-fulfilling relationship with a member of the opposite sex. You see, Walter suffers from an exceedingly-rare genetic condition that makes it difficult for him to watch pornography without getting a headache. Sure, he could just take two Aleve before screening “Waffle House Hotties 3” but doesn’t Walter deserve better? Shouldn’t he have access to the freedoms the rest of us take for granted?    

Please call now, and with your generous donation we will send you a photo of Walter along with a list of his favorite stag films and signed copy of his internet browser history.

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