Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Evolution of Underage Drinking

Like many college students, Alexander P. Broughton, enjoys the occasional weekend libation. Unlike most college students he found the body’s digestive system too inefficient at delivering the effects of alcohol. So he and several of his frat brothers at the University of Tennessee decided to utilize a novel approach to consumption: alcohol enemas. The process (colloquially known as “butt chugging”) utilizes plastic tubing and a notable lack of shame to bypass the stomach and allow the alcohol to be absorbed directly by the individual’s rectal capillaries.

The Knoxville News Sentinel reported that Mr. Broughton was brought into an area hospital with a blood alcohol level in excess of .4 and exhibiting signs of “physical and possible sexual assault.” When authorities arrived at the frat house they discovered several empty bags of budget wine and a handful young males in varying states of consciousness.  The investigation has been turned over to university police and interim sanctions have already been imposed on the fraternity.

Now supposedly, there are several upsides to the practice of “butt chugging” not the least of which is reduction in refreshment expenditures. In today’s tepid economy, these enterprising young men should be commended for implementing a beverage system where the question “What are you drinking?” becomes irrelevant. While other social clubs are running themselves all over town trying to locate Mike’s Hard Lemonade and domestic longnecks, the boys at Pi Kappa Alpha can make a quick stop at Costco, pick up a pallet of Boone’s Farm, and remain confident in the fact that they do not have to put up with someone complaining about how the drinks taste. As an added bonus, I imagine alcohol enemas can be a powerful weapon against the dreaded “freshman fifteen” that seems to affect so many collegiate upstarts.

In addition to the “rectal rum” approach, many of today’s youth are apparently using tampons soaked in vodka to expedite the drink’s journey to the bloodstream. Some believe these practices gained traction because of a mistaken assumption that such creative inebriation techniques prevented telltale signs of “liquor breath” and could even allow practitioners to fool a breathalyzer. Of course, both assumptions are inaccurate and since these techniques involve bypassing the body’s natural gag reflex the risk of alcohol poisoning is exponentially higher.

At the risk of sounding old and crotchety, in my day underage children had the good sense and self-respect to drink themselves into regrettable decisions the way the Good Lord intended. However, today’s youth are under the impression that the only reason people do not ingest liquids through their anus is simply because the idea had never occurred to anyone before. I can just picture some poor kid with his pants around his ankles stammering “may…may..maybe we should have gone with the smaller gauge hose…”

If this trend continues to grow, it has the potential to further erode our privacy as consumers. Currently the cashier only takes note of your purchase if it involves liquor, cigarettes, or Sudafed, but pretty soon you may send your teenage daughter out for a box of Super-Flo Tampax and a bottle of cooking sherry and find yourself answering some pretty tough questions at the police department.

I do have to wonder if the cashier in Knoxville thought anything was amiss when a half-dozen frat guys waltzed up to the counter with three home enema kits and enough table wine to recreate an Old Testament morality play and inquired about the store’s return policy.  

I have nothing against a good party and many find themselves sowing their wild oats during their university years, but there is a big difference between beer pong and small-intestine Smirnoff. I am not here to judge anyone’s personal choices, but this is an extremely dangerous trend that needs to be stopped before we lose a future politician. I know college is a crazy time, but no one looks back over their life and says to themselves “If I could do it all over again I would have taken off my pants at more frat parties.”

1 comment:

  1. It would appear that some people must COMBINE their reality shows - in this case the Food Network and Discovery Health !


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