Saturday, December 8, 2012

Like It's Your Birthday

The Spare Time Bowling and Family Fun Center in South Glens Falls, New York has seen many a celebration, so it was no surprise when a young man we will call “Stu” decided to have his 16th birthday party there. He invited friends and schoolmates to what they all assumed would be a routine gala of rented shoes and semi-operational air-hockey tables. What occurred, however, will undoubtedly become local legend.

What we know is this: At some point during the evening, the co-ed party of fifteen & sixteen year-olds were ushered into the over-21  karaoke bar where they witnessed an exclusive performance by a pair of female adult entertainers employed by a service called “Tops in Bottoms.” This performance involved lap dances, grinding, and judging by the photo below a well-executed French wheelbarrow. The performance and party, concluded without incident and everyone returned home. In the following days someone, presumably the birthday boy himself, uploaded several pictures of the festivities to Facebook where they came to the attention of another attendee’s mother.

She alerted the local media which led to the district attorney’s office launching an investigation. It appears that the erotic entertainment was arranged by “Stu’s” parents and now they could face charges of child endangerment. In addition, the bowling alley is under review by the state for apparently allowing a group of minors to have contact with strippers in their bar. The strippers may be facing charges of sexual contact with a minor but haven’t publicly responded to the accusations. Stu and his parents have hired an attorney and thus far have refrained from comment.

With so many unanswered questions it is difficult to know where to begin. Personally, I am hoping the parents give a full statement so that we can all become privy to their thought process. Did this entire fiasco begin with a conversation between the young man’s mother and father?

“Dan, what are we going to do for Stu’s birthday party this year?”
“Well sweetheart, judging by his Internet browsing history he only has two interests and we can’t afford a vehicle right now.”
“So what do you suggest?”
“I suppose we are just going to have to take his pubescent teenage friends to the bowling alley and subject them to the gyrating bosoms of total strangers.”
“If you think that’s best. But Dan, where would we even begin to……”
“Honey please! I’m on the phone! [Yes, is this Tops in Bottoms? Are you still running that Labor Day promotion? Great! Tell Trixie not to forget the Jello canon this time.]

There will be numerous criticisms of Stu’s parents, but their real mistake was tipping their hand too soon. How are they possibly going to top this next year when he turns seventeen? At this rate their son will be expecting to snort coke off a Swedish hooker at the local Golden Coral.

As for Stu, you honestly can’t blame the kid for posting the photos on Facebook. It couldn’t have been easy to convince the other guys in study hall that you spent your birthday staring at the business-end of Victoria’s secret. It was probably all he could do to keep from tagging himself twice.    

It would appear that the only party that exhibited worse judgment than the young man’s parents was the proprietor of the bowling alley. There are only two ways to answer the question, “Can I utilize your family entertainment establishment to subject my underage son and his peers to a professional booty-clap?” and Spare Time Bowling got it wrong. And how did these kids end up in the “No One Under 21” area in the first place? Did management have the presence of mind to move the performance from lane six to a secluded area but the idea of just canceling never occurred to them?

I suppose the culpability of the performers is contingent upon how much they knew. I would like to believe that no seasoned exotic dancer would knowingly place a high-school sophomore in a “thigh vise” in front of twenty-five witnesses and it is possible that Stu and his friends looked mature for their age, but the venue should have set off some alarm bells. Let’s just hope that “Tops in Bottoms” exercises more discretion if they get a birthday booking at a Chuck-E-Cheese.

I am still unable to decipher the group’s name. Does it mean that they are the dominate force in posteriors or that their blouses will eventually be stowed in their shorts? “Tops OR Bottoms” would indicate customization options and “Tops FOR Bottoms” would lend itself to some sort of carnal barter system, but “Tops in Bottoms” is rather enigmatic. Regardless, if they don’t get out in front of this thing they may have to change their act to “Lace & Litigation.” 

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