Saturday, January 18, 2014

Worst Jobs

I recently had a discussion with my wife about what we considered the worst professions to be in. Here are a few of the strongest candidates:

Infant Tattoo Artist – Endless release forms, overbearing parents, and delicate skin with the surface tension of a moist Kleenex are just a few of the challenges facing practitioners of this underappreciated art form. On the plus side, it is unlikely the client would regret a decision that they were never given the opportunity to make.
Congressional Marital Counselor – Rampant infidelity, unpredictable hours, and an inflated sense of self-importance would certainly keep your calendar full. Not to mention that your entire day would consist of trying to coax an admission of wrongdoing from a member of our Federal legislative body. The only bright side would be the creative seminar names like, “Are You Emotionally Sequestered?” and “How to End the Intimacy Filibuster.”  

Facebook Conflict Mediator – These brave souls would attempt to defuse social media feuds utilizing the very communication medium that initially created them. In-laws won’t speak to you because of a thinly-veiled status update concerning their parenting choices? Co-worker giving you the cold-shoulder after you tagged them in a photo with the hashtag “creepersauce”? Simply inbox your local Facebook conflict mediator and watch as the social tension melts away into your timeline. I can haz reconciliation?

Keith Richard’s Physician – What kind of advice could you possibly offer a 70-year old rock star who claims to have cured himself of hepatitis C through sheer will power? Medical science is powerless to explain this man’s continued existence and you are forced to look him in the eye and advise him that he reduce his bacon consumption. When Keith quit heroin there was a measurable drop in Afghanistan’s GDP and you are going to chide him about dietary restrictions?

Federal Prison Concierge – Never has “Is there anything I can do to make your stay with us more enjoyable?” been such a loaded question. Sure you may get tired of deflecting requests for contraband flatware or female companionship, but where else can you expect a Christmas bonus calculated in unfiltered menthols?  Also, dinner reservations tend to be a non-issue and “de-lousing coordinator” looks good on anyone’s resume.    

Hate Group Spokesperson – While it may not be the most sought-after position in the public relations arena, the talking points should be reasonably consistent. Most of the questions from the press could be answered by memorizing a few phrases like, “Yes, we still harbor an intense dislike for blacks, Jews, and ambidextrous Methodists” or “In the event of inclement weather, our annual three-legged (master) race will be held at the community center.”

1 comment:

  1. Each such child should have the "sign of the beast" tattooed - 666.


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