Fun With Childcare (Part 2)

Having miraculously managed to get both children into the same reputable day-care without a hasty religious conversion, we set about getting our paperwork in order and attending the parental orientation. This was a big deal because you want to make a good impression on the director while scoping out the parents of the other kids. I wore my good socks.

The orientation consisted of the director going over the perpetually-expanding handbook and soliciting feedback from the parents in attendance. There were the expected questions about lunch routines and disciplinary procedures, but then a couple behind us began asking questions about liquid intake. They revealed that their child did not drink “city tap” and that they would need to provide their own pre-filtering water. The mother then asked what brand of juice they provided for the children. I am fairly certain that I heard an audible groan of displeasure when the director cheerfully answered “whatever’s cheapest.” They also indicated that their child would need “essential oils” applied in the event of injury. They bookended these questions by assuring us all that they were not “high maintenance or anything.”

It was a relief to have this couple in our group since they would serve as the unofficial threshold for unreasonable requests. Two months in, I could probably demand my children be addressed as “your majesty” and only nap facing magnetic north and not get any pushback.   

We were then handed the paperwork to complete and bring back prior to the start of the year. The first few pages were standard fare. Parent info, emergency contact, child’s doctor, etc. Then the questions started getting interesting and my wife forbade me from completing the forms. So below are the actual questions and the answers that I wished to submit:

Does their child get their own way with other children? If not, how does the child react?

Arson

Is the entire family together for any time during the day?

We have an airing of grievances each evening at 7:42 PM

If the child refuses to eat, how is this handled and by whom?

Brutally, and by Liam Neeson

Habits associated with going to bed / sleep?

Reduced heart-rate / slowed breathing / extended periods of unconsciousness

What word does your child use for a bowel movement?

Excremental egress

At what age did the child creep?

This is offensive.

What are some ways the child plays at home?

He enjoys high-stakes poker and wire fraud

Were there any problems with pregnancy or your child’s birth?

Unrelenting physical pain followed by a crippling financial burden

Does your child scratch his/her genital area?

Exclusively

What is your child afraid of?

Socialism

Does the child speak well?

Of whom?

Does your child wet the bed and if so, how is this handled?

Yes, I make him watch through the window while I run over one of his stuffed animals with the push mower.