Thursday, April 21, 2016

A Woman's Place

I have previously expounded upon the practice of Christian Domestic Discipline and the use of spankings to keep the misses sufficiently agreeable toward the HoH (Head of Household). However, I realize that some men are somewhat skittish when it comes to the “physical readjustment” of their spouse’s attitude. Fortunately, the website is here to guide your journey.

Featured articles include “How God Made Man Superior to Woman” a rather lengthy tome peppered with biological charts and insightful excerpts about:

Domestic Roles – “I believe it is Biblical that a woman’s place is in the home: not saying she can never go out, but that caring for the needs of her husband, her children and her home should be the focus of her life.”

Perpetrators of Mass Shootings – “Some children are raised with two loving parents, and maybe even a mom who took care of them when they were little. They are simply born evil and sadistic and psychotic, plain and simple.”

Testosterone Deficiencies – “Either way you slice it, most relationships between men and women do not work well when the wife is more intelligent and makes more money than the husband. In the rare instances where it does work, I guarantee you will find a feminine man who is low on testosterone, or a man who had a domineering and aggressive mother who beat his father down.”

Now before any of you godless feminists get all up in arms and trouble your woefully underdeveloped brains, there is also an article that highlights the areas that a woman is superior to a man such as her ability to “smell better” and “taste better.” There is even a rather elaborate graphic of a female silhouette that reminds us that a woman has more fat which “gives her that curvy look and cushy feel.” Seriously, who wouldn't trade equality for the olfactory capabilities of a bloodhound and the body contours of an overstuffed sofa?

While some may be tempted to find offense at describing a human being like the interior of a Buick, it is worth  remembering that women also have been given the spiritual gift of cleavage, “A woman’s breasts are a blessing from God to man.”

Other topics of interest include:

Women in Pants – “if a woman’s father, husband or pastor allows her to wear pants then there is no sin in her doing this as long as the pants she wears pertains to a woman and not to a man.”

Social Etiquette – “A man cupping his wife’s breasts in the kitchen may be ok when no one is around but he should not be grabbing her breasts when they have company.”

Women in Politics – “In no way does the Bible EVER paint women in leadership roles as a positive thing, but it is something God uses to shame the men into action.”

Dealing With A Lazy Wife – “If you have money then as a form of discipline you should have confiscated your wife’s credit cards and not given her weekly money. Hire someone to come in and help with the laundry and house work.  As far as meals go out to dinner by yourself and do not take your wife.  Make sure there are is some food for her in the house as that is something you are required to supply her with as her husband.  But it does not have to be fancy food.  Make her eat sandwiches."

There are areas of glaring incongruity such as the lengthy article about Kate Upton. The site’s author defends his son’s right to hang posters of Kate Upton in a bikini on his wall. While I have neither the time nor the motivation to discuss his reasoning behind the decision, it struck me as a quite the dichotomy given his stated purpose for women:

"God intended for you to marry a man and then serve him with all your heart to the very best of your ability. God intended for you to have children (if you are not barren) and to care for those children. God intended for you to care for home and make it haven for your husband and your children."

Any role falling outside of these parameters is dismissed as “selfish-ambition” or anti-Biblical and yet in reference to the aforementioned bikini wall-art he says,” In regards to women’s bodies, my son knows most women don’t look like Kate Upton, that is why she makes the money she does, because she is so exceptionally beautiful.”

One wonders how a single, childless, out-spoken entrepreneur who has (at least to some degree) transformed her own immodesty into a business empire would be worthy of his admiration since she has so clearly forgotten her place. Indeed, were all women to take his advice his son would have nothing to adorn his walls but bikini photos of Charles Spurgeon.

The blog is authored under the pseudonym Larry Solomon. According to the site, “The reason I do not use my real name is the same reason that Christ hid himself from Jews” He further identifies himself as a once-divorced middle-aged Caucasian Baptist who works in technology and has five children.

I have a suspicion that the reason Larry Solomon chose anonymity has nothing to do with Jews and everything to do with the likelihood of becoming the subject of the first-ever Snapped Mini-Series. Mr. Solomon, whose chosen surname is likely a reference to his breathless endorsement of Biblical polygamy, and I share much in common (at least demographically speaking). We are both married Caucasian-male parents who have spent their professional careers in the field of technology. 

As a fellow blogger, I must also admire his prolific output. The sheer volume of posts from someone with a full time job and five kids is staggering. I can only assume his capacity to pursue his own goals and passions are conversely dependent upon his wife’s ability to suppress her own.

As I mentioned previously, he does not endorse the use of physical coercion but suggests some rather creative alternatives for a tenacious female helpmate that keeps going broken arrow. Ideas include forcing her to drive an older car (preferably a Pontiac Aztec for severe indiscretions) or delay getting her that new dishwasher that she has been wanting. If she continues down her destructive path, you are even permitted to bring her before the church. While “Larry” chooses not to elaborate on what such a scene might look like, here is my best guess:

Fellow parishioners, I regret that I ask you to assist me in correcting my wife’s behavior. For months now she has made thinly-veiled allusions to “finishing her degree” and on two separate occasions I arrived home to find that the dishwasher and washing machine were both inactive. The silence from the vacuum cleaner is deafening and if she continues down this path we could be looking at a Dancing with the Stars marathon and sweatpants by fall.

I have already taken away her name-brand body-wash privileges and threatened to downgrade her to a non-convection oven but to no avail. It only seems to embolden her. I beseech all of you to join me in a campaign of punitive stares and malicious whispers before she acquires an MBA and a pantsuit.

There is a theory that the entire site is a hoax perpetrated by an Internet troll intent on stirring the pot. I hope they are right, and the views and opinions are nothing more than a satirical ruse. Otherwise we are faced with the grim reality that this middle-aged white programmer is exactly who he says he is.

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