Panhandling

There are generally three techniques people use to address traffic-light panhandlers:

1.      Moved by their stated situation (homeless veteran, etc.), we donate and hope that they will wisely utilize the funds to turn their life around.

2.      Angry that anyone would have the audacity to beg for money while the rest of us manage to support ourselves we yell “Get a job!” or “I hope your curiously well-behaved canine turns on you!”

3.      We utilize the “stare-ahead” to avoid eye-contact and presumably remain neutral (or at least tacitly disapprove of the tactic).

I admit that it is difficult to validate any information supplied by a cardboard sign, thus making the decision to give or not to give dependent upon how honest you believe the person to be. For instance, it pains me to think that anyone who has bravely served our county would find themselves in such dire straits, but there is also the possibility that the panhandler is simply a shrewd operator who is taking advantage of the intrinsic sympathy many of us have for soldiers.

It is in this environment of motivational uncertainty we find thirty-seven year old Ohio resident Chrissy Lance. For the past few days she has been standing beside a red-light in Akron with a sign that reads, “Not Homeless! Need Boobs.” According to local media affiliates, Miss Lance is a single mother and college student who currently works as a barmaid; and while her job provides enough to support herself she has been unable to save the $5,000 needed for breast augmentation. 

So, inspired by other panhandlers, she acquired a permit from the city, threw on a bikini, and began requesting the needed funds from local motorists. To date she has acquired about $100 and her share of detractors. Because of the potential negativity, her friend Steve has agreed to be her bodyguard and when the 57 year old was asked why he donated his services for free he replied, “She's just trying to move on in her life and build herself up.” 

Chrissy & Bodyguard Steve

I must admit that her honesty is somewhat refreshing and even though a Roth IRA or college savings account might be a more prudent use of $5,000 I suppose she is free to use the donations for whatever she wants. Some have argued that if she has enough free time to stand around at an intersection she could get a second job to pay for her enhancements. While that may be true, there are a lot of upsides to bikini panhandling. After all, it would be tough to find another career with such flexible hours and minimal startup costs. Plus, think of all the creepy leering and suggestive comments she would miss out on if she were to only work as a barmaid.

I still cannot figure out bodyguard Steve’s angle in all of this. Does he have a job? Are they dating? Has he been stuck in the “friend-zone” so long that he couldn’t say no when Chrissy asked him to spend his waking hours watching her solicit money for her procedure? After all, isn’t he suffering all the indignities of begging without any of the financial gain? Perhaps I am selling Steve short and he simply wishes to help a friend reach a goal, but it is generally difficult for heterosexual men to be altruistic when boobies are involved. Five buck says he has already made a joke about how much he enjoys “supporting her breasts.”  

Maybe Chrissy’s blatant honesty will catch on and soon I will see people holding signs that say:

“While I would like a job, the cyclical nature of poverty precludes me from acquiring one since most of the perquisites for gainful employment are the very creature comforts that gainful employment provides. It is for this reason I have decided to discard my last remaining scrap of dignity and misrepresent myself as a paraplegic war veteran whose only immediate concern is treating the life-threatening chronic illness that ravages my body. Perhaps once you understand my motives you can forgive my deceptive practices.”

Of course, it is much easier to fit “Disabled, Diabetic, and Honorably Discharged” on a sign……

Coldplay Live: A Review

Several weeks ago, my wife and I attended a Coldplay concert in Atlanta. Normally I would not feel the need to review a concert but since this marks the first time that I have shelled out more than $100 for a show, I could not help myself. I will split this into three categories:

The Opening Act

Our pre-Coldplay entertainment was Robyn, the Swedish pop sensation responsible for the 1997 single “Do You Know (What It Takes).” Her set began with a series of atonal beeps and seizure-inducing light effects obviously meant to disorient anyone unlucky enough to be negotiating the dimply-lit stairs with a plate of nachos. Robyn then began chanting either “beware the beat” or “prepare the mesquite” whilst enthusiastically resurrecting late 90’s dance moves. She was accompanied by four musicians (identifiable by their matching white jumpsuits and looks of disinterest) valiantly trying to make the case that they could not be replaced by an iPod.

Even more perplexing was the fact that she required two drummers, despite the fact that they spent the majority of the set playing the same percussion patterns. Presumably this was a safety mechanism in case one of them spotted a better career opportunity mid-set. The pinnacle of the performance was Robyn’s decision to cover “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall” by Coldplay. Now I have seen a lot of shows in my time, but it takes some Epcot-sized cojones to reinterpret the hit-single of the band you are opening for twenty minutes before they play it. Personally, I am disappointed she did not just go ahead and perform their entire set so I could plan my restroom trips in advance. This was all very underwhelming for an artist who received a Swedish Grammy for Best Live Performance (that must have been a tough break for Yngwie Malmsteen).

The Audience

Like it or not, the success of every live performance rests largely on the shoulders of the spectators. Most artists will admit that the ambiance of the crowd is one of the most important factors in a memorable evening. That being said, Coldplay’s audience was a patchwork quilt of middle-to-upper class Caucasian lineage. I doubt you could throw a latte without hitting someone who had dined at Chick-Fil-A within the past lunar cycle. This might also explain the anemic security. At the door, an octogenarian asked me what I had in my pockets and then took my word for it. When I saw Black Sabbath I was almost de-loused at the door. 

Demographics aside, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves albeit in different ways. There were a pair of teenage girls in front of us who remained seated the entire show while taking pictures with their iPhones. (On a side note, we would all appreciate it if you could turn off auto-flash on your cell-phone camera; by the seventh attempt you should be able to infer that the LED does not possess the range necessary to obtain a close-up of Chris Martin from section Z in the maintenance balcony.)

A bearded young gentleman in the section below us felt compelled to initiate jumping jacks. Another young woman assumed the role of the “pointer,” a person who emphatically points at the lead singer during important lyrical enunciation.  My wife sings and dances while I prefer the lame nonchalance of the foot-tap / head-bob combo.

The Band

Coldplay put on quite a show. The band was solid, Martin’s vocals were spot-on and they crammed every song I had hoped to hear into the one hour and forty-five minute set. Aside from a rather impressive laser show, confetti cannons, and generously proportioned screens, the band also incorporated electronic wristbands that were distributed at the door. These represented a variety of colors and were activated in conjunction with different parts of the show creating a stunning visual.

The only real misfire was the deployment of inflatable “symbols” at different points along the arena balcony. These dirigibles were phosphorescent and came in the shape of butterflies, stars and the like (although I am pretty sure the one closest to us was “Helping Hand” from the Hamburger Helper commercials) and were either defective or being handled by undertrained staff. I say this because ours kept listing toward the handicapped seating area and the Pokemon by row F simply deflated and doubled over the safety rail giving the unfortunate appearance that it was vomiting on row E.

All in all, I have to say it was worth the money. Coldplay is an incredible talented group of musicians whose performance can justify their ticket price. However, if they wish to discontinue the armada of psychedelic lawn decoration and knock $10 off admission I do not think it would hurt their cause.

The Obama Files

As the presidential race intensifies, I find my Facebook newsfeed and e-mail inbox inundated with claims about Barak Obama’s (or his wife’s) supposed lack of patriotism. I fully understand specific criticisms of his policies, but I have been unable to determine what purpose is to be served by the fabrication of events that convey the current commander-in-chief as disrespectful toward the county he leads.

Perhaps the least malicious motivation for this would be allegory; the idea that while the events themselves are false, they succinctly convey an overall truth gleaned from his policies. There is also the possibility that the purveyors of these stories are able to justify their behavior by claiming the very patriotism the victim lacks. They might say to themselves, “Sure, it is a lie that Obama was caught pissing on a dead soldier’s coffin on Veteran’s Day, but the general public doesn’t perceive his socialist agenda and needs something easy to swallow in order to prevent his second term and the imminent damage it would bring.”

I am all about political discourse, but I disagree with anyone who knowingly perpetuates a falsehood in order to convey what they perceive to be a truth. If it is true, then why must its basis be untrue? Is it inconceivable that participants in the democratic process be allowed to decide on factual information?

I have listed a few highlights from Obama’s presidency. These are all mass-circulated claims from Facebook or chain e-mails that have been debunked.

2008

Claim – Obama wishes to change the national anthem to “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing.”

Truth - The entire speech was written by humorist John Semmens and has nothing to do with Obama.

Claim – Obama blew off soldiers on a visit to Afghanistan in order to shoot publicity photos of himself playing basketball.

Truth – Refuted by Army Lt. Col. Rumi Nielson-Green and a large number of personal messages from active personal present that day.

2009

Claim – Photo shows Barrack and Michelle Obama saluting backwards while saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

Truth – Picture was altered to change their salute.

Photoshopped "salute"

2010

Claim – Obama said, in part, that troops “whine about the cost of going to war.”

Truth – Again, the entire speech was written by humorist John Semmens and has nothing to do with Obama.

Claim – Obama has refused to sign an Eagle Scout’s certificates.

Truth – Claim refuted by the Boy Scouts of America.

Claim – When Obama was not present to lay a wreath at Arlington on Memorial Day he was the first president to “blow it off.”

Truth – W. Bush was absent once, H.W. Bush missed all 4, Reagan missed 4. The only president in recent memory to make every one of them during their term was Clinton.

Claim – Picture shows Obama’s oval office that he stripped of red, white, and blue colors and changed to a “Middle Eastern” gold theme.

Truth – Picture is accurate but color schemes and decorations were all inherited from George W. Bush.

2011

Claim – Obama removed the American flag from Air Force One and replaced it with his logo.

Truth – Photo is of a campaign plane while he was a senator, no changes were made to Air Force One.

2012

Claim – During 9/11 memorial ceremony a lip-reader from the River School for the Deaf caught Michelle Obama whispering “All this for a damn flag?” to the president.

Truth – The school refutes this claim and says no such interpretation was made.

Claim – Obama had a “young female Marine Staff Sergeant” relieved of duty when she pointed out that his American flag pin was upside down.

Truth – Marine representatives claim that the incident never occurred and that they do not have a female officer at that post.

Perhaps I am old fashioned, but isn’t it pretty unpatriotic to continually circulate outright lies that misrepresent and defame the democratically elected commander-in-chief of our country? Is it too much to ask that we are given the chance to make our decisions based on actual policy? Maybe I am an idealist, but I believe that every serious candidate for president deeply respects this country and wishes to see it grow, improve, and prosper. What often separates the candidates from each other is the methodology they believe will move toward this bright future. People vote for the leadership and stated methodology they align most closely with so let’s refrain from mudding the waters of politics by claiming any of these candidates “hate America.”

In the spirit of these articles, I have fabricated an “incident” that would likely be accompanied by angry commentary and superfluous use of exclamatory punctuation were it to be mass circulated.

During a campaign stop on June 2^nd of this year, President Obama visited a VA hospital in Colorado for a photo opportunity. Afterwards, a hospital orderly walked into a conference room where Barack and Michelle were taking turns defecating on an American flag while playing “keep away” with the artificial limbs of an injured Iraq-War servicewoman.

When said orderly attempted to confront the President about his behavior, he was beaten with a leather-bound Koran while Michelle gleefully recited communist manifestos in Farsi. The orderly was immediately fired, along with a nurse who witnessed Obama using the Constitution to snort cocaine off a framed portrait of Vladimir Lenin.

However the real insult was reserved for that evening’s performance of The National Anthem when the Commander-In-Chief unfastened his trousers and proceeded to “helicopter” his genitals for a full two minutes. This shameful display, for which he later awarded himself the Medal of Honor, only served to underscore the lack of respect shown by our first Kenyan president.   

                  

Facebook Bandits

Candace and Robert Landreth are sociable people, so it was no surprise when old high school acquaintances began receiving friend requests from them on Facebook. (After all, who hasn’t browsed an old classmate’s account to discover what career path they chose or reassure yourself that their spouse is not as attractive as your own?) So former cohorts would gladly accept the requests and then go about their normal social networking behavior which, of course, routinely involved sharing more information than they should.

So when several people’s homes in the area were burglarized, police began noticing a disturbing pattern. In every instance the homes occupants were out of town, usually on vacation giving the perpetrators all the time they needed to relieve said homes of valuable goods. At first local law enforcement believed they were dealing with a meticulous and cunning criminal syndicate utilizing a complex information network to ascertain the whereabouts of intended victims and evade capture. As it turns out, they were simply dealing with a pair of middle-aged citizens astute enough to steal from people who voluntarily posted on the Internet that they were out of town.

According to authorities, the Landreth gang would simply wait for a Facebook friend to announce their location (“The whole family is boarding a flight to Des Moines!”) before cracking open said family’s back door and unburdening them of their possessions. In an ironic twist, the sheriff’s department used social networking to identify the alleged thieves by posting surveillance video of the two on their Facebook page. Eventually a citizen recognized the Landreths and provided authorities with a lead. The pair was charged with burglary and grand larceny and is currently awaiting trial. 

The Landreth Gang

While I feel sympathy towards anyone who has had the sanctity of their home violated, perhaps we can all take away some life lessons here:

1.      Publicly announce you went out of town after you get back to town – I can think of no better reconnaissance for a potential thief than a geo-tagged photo of you and your entire family in Cancun with the caption “Just 4 more days in paradiseL.” You might as well post an iPhone pic of your Hide-A-Key and openly muse about how you have started hoarding cash and precious metals.

2.      Don’t list your home address on your profile – How many times will a circumstance arise where an online-only acquaintance from your past needs to know where your children sleep? There are blood relatives that do not have my home address, so I am definitely not going to voluntarily give it to small-time hash dealer I had PhysEd with in 8^th grade.

3.      Don’t post photos every time you acquire valuable electronics – The only thing better than knowing someone is out of town is being able to predict your profit margin ahead of time. Unless you plan to invite me over for movie night, I could care less that you recently purchased an 84-inch Bavarian LED television with the HyperRender 4D interface. That information impacts my life about as much as your decision to change deodorant would.

4.      Stop pretending all 700 of you “friends” are above-board – One victim expressed shock that one of her “friends” from high school would do this to her, as if someone’s geographical proximity to you as a teenager has any bearing on their personal integrity. That’s like asking someone to watch your wallet just because you recognize them from the dentist’s office. Often these are the same people that will spend hours combing over their privacy settings and alert everyone when Facebook changes the policy.

It would not even shock me if a few of the victims updated their status after the break-in was discovered with something like:

We got robbed!!!! Can’t believe it will be 2 days b4 the locksmith can fix the backdoor. Guess I will have to put my jewelry in a Triscuit Box while we are at the park all-day tomorrow!   #friendlydog   #unobservantneighbors     #onlyboughtthesignandnottheactualalarmsystem