Just Fine

Several weeks ago I found myself standing in line at the local Walgreens waiting for a pharmacy refill. As I waited for the next available associate, I could not help but overhear the phone conversation of the pharmacy tech directly in front of me. She was calling someone about a refill and toward the end of the conversation she said, “That will be just fine.”

The moment might have passed unnoticed except the gentleman behind me in line began parroting the statement with a strange inflection. Over and over in a deep baritone, he would say, “That will be juuuust…fine…….” He would occasionally pause between repetitions to chuckle in amusement and then continue the mantra.

After a disturbing amount of time, he leaned forward so that he was almost over my shoulder and said, “Hey man. You remember that?” Since we were the only two people in line I knew he was addressing me and I had no choice but to turn around. I found myself facing a stocky gentleman in his twenties wearing a backpack. His demeanor indicated that he still wanted me to answer the question and I was unsure how to respond since I could interpret his inquiry a number of ways:

1.      He was asking if I am lucid enough to recall the pharmacy tech utilizing the phrase just 30 seconds ago.

2.       Do I remember him saying it over and over again until I wish I had never switched pharmacies?

3.      Did the two of us have had a prior encounter in which the phrase played some significance?

Just as I was contemplating which answer would be the least likely to prolong the interaction, his face lit up in anticipation and he said, “Darkman! Liam Neeson! 1990!” Relieved to at least have a point of reference for one of the strangest interactions I have ever had, I responded that while the title sounded familiar I had not seen the film.

Undeterred, he continued to describe the phrase’s use in the film until he introduced himself as Kirk. He also revealed that he was a small business owner who specialized in the “delivery of Hollywood hits directly to your home” and began removing his backpack. In short order he had produced a gigantic spindle of burned DVD’s and selected a copy of the Colin Firth movie Kingsman: Secret Service with his cell phone number on it. 

With a hint of pride, he informed me that he “did his own previews” and that had several theatrical titles available for purchase. Delivery anywhere within the city limits was just $2 and he often ran BOGO specials. After assuring him that I would “tell my people” about his services, he handed me the disc and I retrieved my prescription.

When I got home and relayed the story to my wife, her response was, “You accepted the disc? Why?” I replied that curiosity got them best of me and I wanted to see what he meant by “doing his own previews.” Did he add his own voiceovers to current movie trailers? Did he use Final Cut Pro and actually re-enact movie trailers in his bedroom? Was this an FBI sting operation?

Needless to say I found an old laptop, placed the disc in, and was presented with a scrolling warning against a red backdrop that read “DO NOT PLAY THIS DISC IN A VIDEO GAME CONSOLE!!!” I found this to be odd since you actually have to play the disc to see the warning and presumably by that time it would be too late. This went by several times until the message began to elaborate:

THIS INCLUDES AN XBOX ONE / AN XBOX 360 / PLAYSTATION 4 / etc..

The warning was so comically over-the-top I was tempted to borrow someone’s XBOX to see if it would burst into flames. Finally, the previews began and they were for movies so new I am pretty sure at least one was still listed as currently in post-production on IMDB.com If the previews had been any fresher he would have been required to shoot the footage himself.

The film itself was clear and featured what looked to be Cambodian subtitles (although the spoken language was English) and I couldn’t help but admire Kirk’s chutzpah. It takes fortitude to hand-write your name and cell phone number on the piece of evidence most likely to be presented against you at trial. Even drug dealers aren’t that brazen. All I know is that if I worked for the FBI’s anti-piracy division this would have been the easiest case ever. I would just call and have him deliver to the office; and when I told him that he had the right to an attorney he would reply, “That will be juuuust…fine…..” 

Government Grants & You!

For the past several weeks, I have been receiving phonecalls from a number with a Washington DC area code (202-311-2618) informing me that I have been selected for a government grant. The amount varies slightly, but is generally in the neighborhood of $10,000. The caller follows a general script:

Hello, you have been selected to receive a $10,000 government grant. I bet you are asking yourself how you were awarded this money; correct? (Here they pause for you to respond in the affirmative)

Every year, the United States government sets aside money to be awarded to citizens who pay their taxes on time. This money can be used for education, home repairs, to pay down debts or even to take a vacation. For the government record, how are you planning on using the money?

The first time I received this call, I informed the gentleman on the other end of the line that I had been eyeing a black-market fully-armed predator drone and I planned to utilize it in a quickly escalating feud with my next-door neighbor. He requested that I be placed on a brief hold, but I had to hang up as I was getting another call.

The second time I received this call, the pitch was the same but the delivery was much different. Instead of a self-assured male voice, I heard a meek and shaky feminine one. It just so happened that during the interim time between these two calls, my Sunday school class was discussing a book about how to show grace in unique ways and one of the featured stories involved a woman who ministered to telemarketers. She reminded us that telemarketers were people just like us with hopes, fears, a history and a future and while they might be annoying, they deserved grace just as much as we did.

So, in hearing this young woman’s fragile voice, those words began to echo in my head. Instead of informing her that I planned to utilize the money to fund my social networking site for human traffickers, I politely played along. After several minutes, I even began to imagine a backstory for Sara. She had become ostracized by her step-family after her mother’s untimely death and now shared a one bedroom walk-up in a decomposing area of our nation’s capital. She had been given the number of this telemarketing firm by her roommate and although she would never initiate a conversation with a complete stranger, she now found herself forced to cold-call random citizens and convince them that the Federal government had been tracking them down in an attempt to distribute money it cannot afford to spend.

 I even went so far as to imagine my own infant daughter, nervous and intimidated on her first day as she slipped on the headset and clicked the next 10-digit number almost guaranteed to provide her with verbal abuse. So when Sara finished her entire spiel, I politely thanked her for taking the time to call me but regretted that I did not wish to participate. I then requested that I be removed from her company’s call list.

Upon hearing this, meek and naive Sara transformed into grizzled and jaded Marge. Gone was the demure countenance that evoked sympathy and patience. One-bedroom walk-up Sara was no more; quickly replaced by a woman whose narrow avoidance of a manslaughter charge in Topeka spurned her eastward migration. The volume of her voice increased exponentially and I could hear the years of chain smoking nipping at the edges of her range:

WELL THANKS A LOT FOR MAKING ME GO THROUGH THAT ENTIRE RIDICULOUS PITCH FOR NO REASON!!! YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED ME AT POINT BUT INSTEAD YOU CHOSE TO WASTE MY TIME!!! (with as much sarcasm as she could muster) HAVE A GOOD ONE! *click*

I am proud to say that I did not return the sentiment and suggest a new location for her headset (mostly because when I called the number back I was informed that it had been disconnected) but I couldn’t believe it. My coworkers were beside themselves, even suggesting that the “naïve newbie” was nothing more than a vocal ruse designed to evoke sympathy and keep suckers on the line.

I can only speculate that it was a phishing scam and at some point they would request bank routing information in order to award the “grant.”  Are there really that many people who hear that pitch and think to themselves, “This turn of events is so fortuitous it has to be true!” Either way, you need some serious chutzpah to make an unsolicited call to someone and then yell at them for wasting your time. I may have a new target for my predator drone once my government grant comes in….

Toddler Talk

I used to roll my eyes when I heard parents desperately beseeching their children to “use their words.” I naively thought that my own children would possess the wherewithal to verbalize their requests in a dignified manner. Not that I have children, I find myself using that phrase constantly. It is difficult to describe the frustration of having a wailing child make a beeping noise while pointing at the sky. Especially when you find out they simply wanted some goldfish crackers. My son has his own vocabulary. A sampling appears below:

Dyedoor - This loosely translated to dinosaur but is applicable to any unknown carnivore with displayed teeth.

Hiyah – This is an affirmative response to an inquiry.

Tee – This refers to a television or computer monitor.

Babbaww – This gender-neutral designation is reserved for grandparents.

Mahpad – This refers to any electronic tablet within his field of vision and implies immediate ownership.

Ahfrye – This either refers to a breaded or fried entrée but can also mean Chick-Fil-A

Ting – This is a request for someone to sing to him, usually a ploy to prolong the bedtime process.

Eehhur – He has sustained an injury

Toddlers are uniquely frustrating in that they will speak perfectly vivid King’s English one moment while resorting to grunts and noises the next. Within a span of 45 minutes my son clearly requested that I “sit down on the slide” and then proceeded to answer the next several inquiries about his day with fart noises. Our son sometimes prefers a series of high-pitched screeches emitted at random intervals. The cumulative effect is that if someone were to eavesdrop on our home it would sound as if we were attempting to reason with a bird of prey.

Son, it is time to put our pajamas on.

KUK-KAW KUK-KAW AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes he will just scream until he can be reasonably certain that he has triggered a migraine in either himself or a neighbor. Once finished, he will briefly make eye contact before beginning again. This has to be torturous on his throat and every now and then he goes hoarse from it. Once I just looked at him and resolved to see how long he would continue until he got tired of it. I still do not know the answer to that question.

There is one word that is always crystal clear: NO. I read in one of the parenting books that if you child begins saying “no” before saying “yes” you have not provided them a safe and proper environment. I suppose the idea is that your home should be so incompatible with mischief that you spend your days encouraging their behavior instead of discouraging it.  That may have merit if you are attempting to raise two year-olds in an abandoned shipyard, but I maintain that any toddler worth their salt can find an effective way to injure themselves even in the most kid-friendly settings.

I have yet to meet a parent who devotes their entire day to encouraging a toddler’s chosen behavior. Mostly because their toddler wouldn’t survive. It is difficult to avoid negative language when danger is involved, “I like your passion with that cheese-grater Timmy, and it speaks volumes that you are the first person to re-purpose it as a place to defecate!”  I suppose the people this parenting book refer to (who must reside in “toddlertopias”) just occasionally glance up from their novels and say, “Way to take the initiative sweetie!”  

In my best moments, I sympathize with the foreign concept of attempting to verbalize one’s desires and emotions in a language that is difficult to grasp. At other times, I am almost convinced that he is doing it on purpose. No reasonable person of any age can really believe that pantomiming a horseback ride while screeching conveys a need for ice water.