Do You Know Bobby?

While on vacation in Chicago this summer, my wife and I decided to spend some time in Millennium Park. We were especially interested in seeing Anish Kapoor's famous “Cloud Gate” sculpture (colloquially referred to as “The Bean”) since it had become synonymous with the city.

After taking several photos from our vantage point, we decided to rest at one of the outdoor tables that flanked the sculpture. While we silently contemplated Chicago’s beautiful skyline, a young gentleman that I will refer to as Doug helped himself to the empty chair at our table and immediately inquired as to our general well-being.

 Doug looked to be in his early twenties and I was unable to determine whether his disheveled appearance was the result of actual disinterest in superficiality or a genuine desire to appear to have an actual disinterest in superficiality. Either way, he did not seem to pose any immediate danger to myself or my wife so at his insistence the three of us began one of the strangest conversations I have ever had:

Doug: “Where are you guys from?”

Us: “Tennessee”

Doug: “Oh really!? Do you guys know Bobby?”

Us: “Bobby?”

Doug: “Yeah; Bobby.”

At this point in the conversation, I was faced with three possibilities:

1.       This young man was under the impression that my wife and I would be able to identify a specific fellow resident named Bobby in a state with roughly six million inhabitants.

2.       The phrase “Do you know Bobby” was code for a transaction or act that would later be used against me if I were to run for public office.

3.       Doug was unaware that there were other people at the table and he was actually holding a conversation with himself.

While I was still mulling over these possibilities, my wife had apparently decided on possibility number one and decided it was best to let this play out:

Ashley: “No…. It doesn’t ring a bell.”

Doug: slightly crestfallen “Well…. I am from Colorado.”

Us:  “Wow. Colorado….”

Awkward silence

Doug: “You guys here for the show?”

(Had the young man been wearing a trench-coat, I would have immediately made a hasty exit.)

 Us: “Not that we are aware of.”

Doug: “I really thought that you guys would want to have fun. Are you sure you are not going to the show?”

Us: “Pretty sure.”

Doug: “You just seemed like the kind of people who would enjoy a good time.”

Us: “We are big fans of fun, but we are OK.”

Doug: as he stands to leave “You guys really did seem like you would want to have a good time…”

After Doug’s exit, we remained perplexed until I noticed that Widespread Panic was playing that night at a venue up the street. I was aware that a large percentage of their fan-base enjoyed “chemical enhancement” and I deduced that Doug was simply trying to sell us drugs without sounding like he was trying to sell us drugs. Utilizing this theory, I was able to explain the majority of the conversation but still could not make sense of the “Bobby” comment.

Since returning home, I have scoured the Internet searching for some cryptic meaning for the phrase “Do you know Bobby?” but so far been unsuccessful. If any of you know the meaning of the phrase, please let me know…..

Useless Car Features

Volvo’s Personal Car Communicator

This is the blanket name given to the keyless entry remote that was first introduced by the automaker in 2007. Its capabilities include the usual (lock, unlock, trunk release) but they added something uniquely Volvo: a heartbeat sensor. I know what you are thinking; “Wouldn’t I be the first to realize that my own heart has ceased to function?”  However, it is not your heartbeat that Volvo is concerned with. The feature is sold as a safety mechanism to prevent someone from hiding in your backseat and jacking your business with a sock-full of pennies. It works something like this:

You have just finished dinner at the Waffle House and you are approaching your vehicle. A series of beeps emitted from your remote informs you that a heartbeat has been detected inside the car. Unless you forgot to drop little Timmy off at daycare, this is an indication that you are about to get affiliated the hard way. You nonchalantly walk back into the Waffle House, call the police, and have another BLT while waiting for the long arm of the law to embrace your uninvited passenger.

There are several flaws with this:

1. It reveals that Volvo has absolutely no faith in its own intrusion prevention system since this feature presupposes that the other feature they sold you has already failed miserably.

2. Does nothing to mitigate the infamous “dead hooker in the trunk” prank.

3. You must decode the series of beeps that the remote emits to realize that you are in danger which means the owner will likely need the owner’s manual to determine what their remote is telling them. Said manual is invariable stored in the glove-box, which puts you in a perfect position to get jacked by the aforementioned intruder while you are searching for the index.

The chilled glove compartment

This is a feature available from both Honda and Saab (albeit in diminishing numbers) that allows you to use your glove box as a bonus “mini-fridge.” You can place everything from canned Dr. Pepper to a vial of smallpox next to your owner’s manual and watch the magic happen. However, the name is somewhat misleading since the feature simply means that the manufacturer has placed a vent in the back of your glove box that distributes the air from your vehicle’s climate control system.

Where do I begin?

1. The system only works if you have the AC on and in the winter the system will blow hot air into the glovebox which means that the bag of Sargento cheese cubes you tossed in there last President’s Day will cost you a few bottles of Febreze come June.

2.  I can only imagine the horrendous accidents caused by the driver attempting to lean over the passenger seat and retrieve a Fresca from the glove box while driving down I-40. You may be forced to pick up a drifter just to have someone safely man your car’s “snack bar.”

3.  If this trend continues, other manufactures may be forced to up the ante. Keep your eyes peeled for Ford’s “Waffle-Iron Armrest” or Toyota’s “Dashboard Hotplate.” Before you know it the cigarette lighter will be dispensing relish and every time you engage the wipers someone is getting a vegetarian omelet.

Nissan’s Vitamin Spritzing Technology

According to a recent popular science article, future Nissan vehicles will be equipped with air conditioners that “spritz” the driver and passengers with small doses of Vitamin C. The carmaker insists this feature will lead to stronger natural immunity, better skin, and presumably an end to outbreaks of scurvy amongst Nissan owners. It appears that the vitamins will be injecting into the climate control system using some sort of replaceable cartridge. There is no word yet on the how much the feature will cost.

The breakdown:

1. If a malfunction occurred in the “vitamin infusion” process, it is possible that the driver would receive a substantial blast of liquid vitamin C to the face causing instant nasal and ocular irritation. To be fair, I am sure your passengers can take some comfort in the fact that their skin will look fabulous in the upcoming autopsy photos…

2. There is no feature that says “I want to die through anthrax inhalation” like a vitamin infuser. I cannot fathom a more ready-made vehicle for biological terrorism.

3. When vitamin C supplements are taken in high concentrations (especially when the person is not used to the supplement) it tends to cause a gastrointestinal condition known as “the squirts.” Not exactly something I would want to pay extra for.

Bad Ideas

Bad Idea 1 – Use donations to finance a billboard in Iowa that compares Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Lenin, and Barack Obama. 

The North Iowa Tea Party funded the ad to warn people of the dangers of larger government. This think tank (which has since been evicted from the bowling alley where it meets) may have some solid ideas concerning taxation and government restraint, but it has become apparent that marketing is not one of their skill-sets. By comparing a democratically-elected American president to the architect of Germany’s Third Reich, and subsequent extermination of the Jewish people, they managed to insult pretty much anyone with the privilege of calling themselves an American citizen.

Since this country sacrificed almost a half-million soldiers fighting Hitler, it is little surprise that the backlash was rather severe. Bob Johnson, leader of the 200 member North Iowa Chapter that put up the billboard, agreed that the ad was “offensive” and has authorized its removal.

National Tea Party Leader Shelby Blakely disowned the tactic saying, "When you compare Obama to Hitler - that to me does a disservice to the Jews who both survived and died in the Holocaust and to the Germans who lived under Nazi regime rule."

While I am sure that the North Iowa Tea Party has some praiseworthy pursuits, they have forgotten the golden rule of modern marketing: never, under any circumstance, should you be associated with any Nazi imagery in print media (take note Michelle "Bombshell" McGee). A handy rule of thumb is that if you find yourself in a meeting where a contributor begins a sentence with “What if we purchase a billboard and get a picture of Hitler….” you should immediately excuse yourself and go home.

Bad Idea 2 – Asking Jesse Jackson to comment on, well, anything at all.

In 1984, during his bid for the presidency, Jackson famously referred to New York City as “Hymietown" due to its large Jewish population. When confronted about the remarks, reverend Jackson claimed that the Jews were out to get him and that the remarks were the fabrication of a far reaching conspiracy. He later admitted to the remarks and publicly apologized.

In 2007, while in South Carolina, Jackson accused then presidential hopeful Barack Obama of “acting like he's white” in regards to the Jena 6 case. When questioned about the comment, the good reverend did not specifically remember using those words.

In 2008, while participating in a segment on Fox News, Jackson did not realize that his microphone was still on and expressed outrage over Obamas recent criticism of African American fathers by saying,  "See, Barack's been talking down to black people ... I want to cut his nuts off."  Unable to blame the Jewish population or his poor memory, Jackson apologized and reiterated his support for Obama (and his testicles).

Earlier this year, when LeBron James announced that he would sign a $100 million contract with the Miami Heat, the Cleveland Cavalier’s owner blasted James’ decision to leave his team by publishing an open letter to fans that later got him fined. Unable to let the incident pass with comment, Rev. Jackson told the media that the Cavaliers’ owner was treating LeBron like a “runaway slave” because the NBA star would not play on his “plantation.”

Bad Idea 3 – Russian Donkey Parasailing

Apparently the Krasnodar region of southern Russia was having trouble bringing in tourists (imagine that) so they decided to stage a publicity stunt to promote parasailing. They acquired a live donkey, forced it into a harness, and sent it on a thirty minute journey above the Sea of Azov to entice beachgoers to do the same.

Unfortunately, the donkey disliked parasailing and began to bray loudly which caused the children on the beach to begin weeping for the animal. Sensing that the stunt did not have the positive impact they had foreseen, the perpetrators decided that it was time to bring operation “airborne jackass” to a close and reassure the children that the animal was fine. The landing, however, was much rougher than anticipated and the donkey was dragged face first through the water for twenty feet or so before skidding to a violent stop on the beach half-dead. This did nothing to alleviate the donkey’s fear of water sports or the children’s crying.

A concerned citizen then called the local authorities and it has been reported that the masterminds could face jail time for animal cruelty. There has been no reported increase in parasailing rentals in southern Russia.

Things I Am Scared Of (Part 1)

I had read once that physiologists utilized a specific technique to aid their patients in overcoming their fears. The theory was that fear’s crippling power in a person’s life stemmed from that person’s refusal to unmask it. In order to combat this phenomenon, many doctors would have their patients create a detailed list of the things that frightened them. By doing so, the power of the phobia was diminished.

With that in mind, I have decided to make a list of my fears in order to ensure that they no longer pose a threat to my emotional well-being.

Things That I Am Scared Of:

·         Waking up in a post-apocalyptic society, discovering that the only two remaining forms of sustenance are spinach or human flesh, and hesitating when given a choice between them.

·         That Nancy Grace will one day actually obtain justice.

·         People who place an inexpensive chain through a spent rifle casing, place it around their neck as jewelry, and when asked about its significance respond with “Remind me one day to tell you how my cousin died.”

·         Any pharmaceutical television commercial that includes images of an elderly couple riding bicycles.

·         That a cast member of The Hills will one day become a Federal legislator.

·         A dialysis clinic that also offers check cashing services.

·         Ground beef products at the grocery store that are labeled “clearance.”

·         Regaining consciousness during a surgical procedure just in time to see the physician peer into my torso and casually remark to the scrub nurse “This is nowhere near how it looked on Ask.com.”

·         That my house has a peculiar odor that I am unable to detect because I live there.

·         That one of my neighbors is a serial killer and I will someday be the moron on the news that utters statements like “He was always so polite” or “Not everyone who paints a pentagram on their mailbox and uses human blood as eye shadow is a bad person!”

·         That I never again have the urge to watch a narrated documentary once Morgan Freeman passes away.

·         That Sean Penn will write, direct, and star in an animated Disney film called “Why Won’t Mommy Wake Up?”

·         The Black Eyed Peas.

·         That Progressive Insurance will continue to underwrite the television commercials that feature the saleswoman “Flo.”

·         Unicycle street gangs.

·         The ambiguity surrounding whether or not ketchup should be refrigerated.

·         The inability of celebrities to give their children names unlikely to drive them into chemical dependency.

·         People who wear their sunglasses upside down on the back of their neck, at night.

·         That I will accidentally cut off a nun in traffic.

·         The ingredients list on a can of “Manwhich.”

·         Accidentally farting during a particularly reverent prayer.

·         That Larry King will release a sex tape.

·         Taking myself too seriously.