Supplemental's Income

Like many Americans, I have become increasingly intrigued by the promise of “natural supplements.” Just a leisurely stroll through your local CVS, Rite-Aid, or Walgreens will reveal the mindboggling scope of what can be accomplished without the use of pharmaceuticals. Depression, insomnia, and arthritis can all be cured simply by ingesting a few capsules of whatever extract happens to be fairly easy to monetize. Some, such as fish oil, appear to have genuine benefits that can be backed by a respectable amount of research; others appear to have been produced simply because people will purchase them.

My first foray into the world of natural supplement was Melatonin. I occasionally have issue getting enough sleep but did not want to rely on a prescription. Plus I did not want to wake up and find myself in a Delaware Waffle House asking random strangers if my Shetland pony was still wearing my pants. So, my mother suggested trying Melatonin supplements which are marketed as a “Relaxation/Sleep Aid” and can be purchased form any local pharmacy.

The first characteristic that struck me was the meticulously-worded label. In large letters it reassured potential buyers that Melatonin was a “clinically studied ingredient.” This is perhaps the vaguest marketing strategy since “award winning” came into widespread use. Taken at face value, this claims nothing more than someone, at some point, contemplated the ingredient while at least being in physical proximity to something that could be classified as a clinic. What they are attempting to convey are images of fit, bespectacled college-graduates running around in lab coats; but legally-speaking the sentence could just as easily describe an incident where the clinic janitor looked up Melatonin on Wikipedia.

The bottle also featured a disconcerting number of asterisks that inevitably led to small disclaimers on the back. Each reiterated that none of the statements on the front had been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, or USDA and that the product was not intended to diagnose or cure any disease. Despite my initial trepidation, I decided to give it a shot. I will say that the few times I have taken it; I feel that I have slept better. Whether this is due to the ingredients or psychosomatic suggestion is up for debate. 

At any rate, I got on the company’s website to see what other products they offered. Here are my favorites:

Soy Isoflavones – These are “phytonutrients” formulated to provide nutritional support for women “before, during, and after menopause.” In other words, if you have ovaries and are currently living you could benefit from this. And just in case you were wondering, the prefix “phyto” means “plant” in Greek, so you can use it to impress your friends and neighbors by telling them that you have to swing by Lowe’s to get some phyto-food for your begonias.

Milk Thistle (Now with Dandelion) – Using the power of the flavonoid “silymarin” that “helps support the structure of the outer cell membrane of liver cells” this supplement promotes the healthy function of the liver. I really enjoyed how they make note of the inclusion of dandelion. Here I have spent years attempting to rid my lawn of this troublesome weed only to find that it apparently has a street value.

Cascara Sagrada – this buckthorn extract is a natural laxative that promotes “safe & gentle cleansing.” It is recommended that you take the 450 MG with tea and drink 48 ounces of water throughout the day. First of all, if you can choke down 3 ½ quarts of water each day and still drink tea your issue may be diabetes not constipation. Also, the term “gentle” can vary from person to person so I would like some clarification.

Horny Goat Weed (with Maca) – this Oriental herb (normally sold as an impulse buy at truck stops) is known to “intensify desire” and “enhance romance.” The recommended dosage is taking two 800 MG capsules twice every day. I would argue that if you need a 2400 MG dosage of anything to facilitate desire, you may not be physically attracted to who you think you are. Also, what is the deal with taking it daily? There are situations where you might not want to become overwhelmed by “intense desire” (greeting the UPS driver, standing in Toys R Us, etc…)

Most of the other offerings could easily be misconstrued as street drugs (Black Cohosh, Astaxanthin, Echinacea Whole Herb) and all carry labels that make judicious use of asterisks and the prefix “may promote.” Personally, I hope that all of these do exactly what they say they will do so I can save money on health insurance and office visits, but until there is a rigorous system of clinical trials I guess I will be popping Ginkoba Giraffe Marrow on faith. 

The Birthplan

A universal piece of advice given to all first-time parents is to create a written birth-plan. Ideally, this will succinctly outline your expectations and preferences concerning labor and delivery while serving as a reference point for hospital staff. After consulting with my wife I have created the following:  

• There should be no one else allowed in the room outside of myself, my wife, and essential medical personnel. The presence of nursing students or other academic observers will only be acceptable if we are offered a substantial discount on our forthcoming medical bills.

• We would like the ability to provide our own music. Furthermore, any employees with ringtones featuring Nickelback, The Black-Eyed Peas, or Justin Bieber must place their device on vibrate before entering the room as work by these artists may distress both the fetus and its biological father.

• We wish to breastfeed exclusively, both for its proven developmental advantages and the fact that the street value of formula has surpassed that of uncut heroin. Please do not offer our child sugar water, formula, pacifiers, cigarettes, Quaaludes, Jägermeister, or Nachos Bell Grande.

• If a C-Section is deemed necessary I wish to my partner to be present as much as possible despite his penchant for ill-timed jokes.

• My wife would like to hold the child as soon as possible by postponing any non-essential procedures and we also wish to cut the umbilical cord. We plan to donate the cord blood to a public bank unless a situation arises whereby it can be exchanged for an Amazon.com gift card.

• If available, we request access to a birthing ball, labor lunger, delivery dumbells, uterine umbrella or any other accessories that may naturally facilitate and expedite the process.   

• My wife will require pharmaceutical pain management early and often. While we both admire mothers who valiantly endure the pain of labor by biting on a wooden spoon and mentally reciting the Lord’s Prayer, I do not wish for my child’s newly-formed ears to be assailed by various incarnations of the F-word.

• We will not require any mirrors or reflective surfaces of any kind. My wife has no desire to see her own distended and traumatized nether-regions during birth.

• We will not be recording the birth as we are unable to fathom a scenario that necessitates us reliving the experience in real-time. Also, please do not send in a hospital-sanctioned photographer as this is a medical facility and not a cruise ship.

• While Methodist, we wish to have a Catholic priest on standby in case of an Rosemary’s Baby / Omen situation since the UMC has no formal protocol for exorcisms.

• In the event that our offspring is singularly unattractive, we request that hospital staff refrain from comment or at least have the decency to lie to our faces until such time they might privately discuss our newborn’s esthetic shortcomings.

Best Mourning Ever

With the debut of TLC’s newest reality series Best Funeral Ever, professional mourners (or moirologists) have been thrust back into the public eye. Clips of the show highlight interviews for prospective employees where they must display their ability to wail and weep for up to two hours. The idea is that grief, like laughter, is infectious and once a few people get the ball rolling the weeping will continue of its own accord. 

The BBQ Casket from Best Funeral Ever

Many defenders of professional mourning point to Biblical references to the practice. In the Book of Jeremiah, God himself appears to require their services, “Call for the wailing women to come; send for the most skillful of them. Let them come quickly and wail over us till our eyes overflow with tears and water streams from our eyelids.” (9:17-18) Not only does God acknowledge their existence, he indicates a sort of lamenting hierarchy where some practitioners exhibit more skill than others.

In a New York Times article from 1877 titled “Professional Weepers,” the writer acknowledges hired mourning as a long held custom in the Orient that would be rather convenient if you lost an uncle that you weren’t particularly fond of. Instead of feigning anguish for a couple of hours, you could simply hire some local talent to give him a proper sendoff. The author insists that “The American will die when occasion requires, but he will never disgrace himself by public and demonstrative sniveling.”

Moirologists, while somewhat rare in the United States, are still prevalent in many Indian cultures where a practice known as oppari involves a group of women who will perform at the funerals of local residents and sing mourning songs. Even in India, actual statistics are difficult to come by since most professional mourners do not advertise their services and there is no formal training for the practice.

I believe that professional mourning is primed to make a big comeback in Western culture. Each one of us has an acquaintance blessed with a morose predisposition who is constantly upset about something. Why not put that sniveling to work and generate some disposable income in the process? I am sure there are plenty of moderately-wealthy Americans, whose family despises their very existence but still wishes to ensure they are properly lamented over.

At first the idea of compensating someone for pretending to be distraught over my passing seemed offensive, but the more I thought about it, the more attractive the idea became. This is especially true if, say, your spouse or offspring have a competitive nature and would attempt to “out-mourn” the hired help. Once the sadness began escalating, everyone within a two mile radius would remember my memorial service. I would even have Willem Dafoe flown in so that he could recreate the movie poster for Platoon while Adagio for Strings played in the background.

Pretty soon, DeVry will be offering two year degrees in contractual sobbing and various standardized tests will be used to determine one’s sorrow factor. Before you know it, we will have the first malpractice suit filed against a moirologist for underselling their grief. Since I assume only the closest family members would be involved with the hiring of professional mourners, I always wondered how the mourner would respond if Cousin Tom inquired as to how they knew the deceased. I suppose the easiest way out would be to place your hand over your eyes and admit that “It was just too painful to talk about.”

Having done some research I have identified the following professional mourner techniques for those interested in a second career:

The Casket Crawl* – Overcome with grief, the mourner falls to their hands and knees as they approach the coffin of the deceased. This may or may not involve the placement of an outstretched trembling hand on the burial apparatus.

The Platoon – As detailed previously, this consists of facing the heavens with outstretched hands in supplication to the Lord. Must be accompanied by forceful utterances of disbelief (Why God Why!?! etc..)

The Wail & Bail* –This consists of a series of guttural noises emitted during opportune pauses in the proceedings. The implication is that the trauma of the loss has rendered them unable to form words leaving them with only primal howls. They will often step outside to “regain their composure” only to reappear as needed.

The Duck & Tuck – Here, the aggrieved places their hands on their head and their head between their legs while rocking back and forth in a steady, rhythmic motion. This outward display is meant to signify the inward emotional tumult. 

The Stare & Shake –Wearing a blank expression, the practitioner punctuates each and every sentence of the eulogy by emphatically shaking their heads in disbelief. Their unfocused gaze indicates the bleak future they foresee without the presence of the departed.

The Finisher – Essential to any successfully-staged send off, these sleeper cells remain unmoved until the final moments of the service when, being unable to contain their emotional torment, they collapse in a grand finale of distress.

* Indicates suggested use of a “grieving accomplice” to further convey the practitioner’s debilitating anguish.

As Seen On TV (Part 3)

One of the most exciting new products on the market is the “Pocket Hose,” a small, wrinkled hose that grows and expands to a longer length once water pressure is applied. The infomercial promises that for only $12.99 you can have a hose that will hide in your pocket but grow exponentially when needed. The manufacturer insists that once the hose is expanded it is, “long and strong enough for any job.” The design prevents kinking, twisting, and tangling and the item can be purchased in lengths up to twenty-five feet. It was unclear whether or not cold water accelerated the shrinking process.

The euphemisms and double entendres provided by this product are almost suffocating in their abundance. Seriously, a “pocket hose” that contracts to a smaller size when not needed but will expand under certain conditions. Who is writing copy for these manufacturers? There is probably an adult novelty conglomerate filing an infringement lawsuit as I am typing this. Personally, I feel that one of the best things about a garden hose is they are difficult to misplace due to their unwieldy design. If you find that you lose a traditional hundred foot hose on a regular basis, replacing it with something that will fit into a pair of chinos is unlikely to resolve the issue.

Our next offering is the GoPilot portable urinal system for men and women. The GoPilot consists of a grey reservoir fed by a plastic accordion-style hose and the inlet is sold with an adapter for female use. The deluxe edition runs $44.95 and can hold up to one quart of liquid gold. Inventor, Dr. James Kolter, recommends it for road trips and tailgaters. The discreet storage bag doubles as a modesty cloak when those pesky truck-drivers won’t stop leering. The manufacturer even offers a gas can adapter for times when “a quart just won’t cut it.”

I thoroughly enjoyed the testimonials section where one customer revealed that he had given one to his father so that “he could finally watch an entire Cowboys game without having to get up every twenty minutes to pee, missing all of the best plays!”  Perhaps I am old-fashioned, but wouldn’t it be more dignified to put that $50 toward getting the poor guy a DVR instead of asking him to unzip his pants and lean over a shop-vac while the rest of the family pretends they are unable to hear the sound of dripping urine. I can understand an Interstate traffic jam situation, but once you find a spot for it in the den you may need to pursue other options. On a side note, if you find yourself filling a five-gallon petroleum canister between Little Rock and Dallas, you might want to limit your fluid intake and immediately seek the advice of a medical professional.

The final installment in this series is the “Sauna Pants,” a pair of electrified vinyl shorts guaranteed to give you all the benefits of a heat sauna “in the area you need it most.” For $39.99 you can treat your waist, thighs, and buttocks to a good sweat and melt away all that pesky water weight. The product’s design allows it to accommodate up to a 52-inch waist and the adjustable temperature dial give you complete control over how much heat you wish to apply to your swimsuit area.

Even operating under the assumption that this worked, when could you use it? It is a pair of plastic underwear with a four-foot electrical cord that the manufacturer insists needs at least fifty minutes each day to produce results. Can you imagine walking into someone’s office and noticing that there crotch appears to be plugged into a 15 AMP circuit and a curious amount of moisture has appeared on the front of their trousers? I hate to even fathom the injuries that could be sustained from an ill-timed power surge. Combining this with a GoPilot would be downright criminal negligence. I can tell you that if there was one job I would not want, it’s working in this company’s returns department. I doubt there are enough Febreeze plug-ins in the world to erase the lingering odor of groin perspiration and self-loathing.