Worming

There is apparently a new trend sweeping Japan and threatening to infect the youth of America. It is known as “oculolinctus” or “worming” and involves one person licking the eyeball of another person as a display of affection or eroticism. The practice has caused an outbreak of conjunctivitis in several Japanese elementary schools and American ophthalmologists are warning that it could also transmit herpes. Continuing unabated, the trend could even leave some with permanent sight loss.

One advocate interviewed by the Huffington Post was 29-year old environmental science major Elektrika Energias who continues the practice despite contracting “a weird offshoot of tuberculosis” that caused “corneal ulcers” and month’s stay in the hospital. Reflecting on the episode and the fact that she continues to ask men to lick her eye; Elektrika mused, "I'm just safer now, I guess ... Live and learn. I mean they don't really make tongue rubbers, but maybe they should."

It seems like the moment my wife and I decide to have children “the talk” becomes more complicated. A few decades ago one could sit down with their offspring and explain to them that unprotected sexual contact with others could lead to pregnancy, chronic illness, and even death. It was undoubtedly awkward, but there was no need to mention “oculolinctus safety.” Now I have to worry about pupil-syphilis and corneal-gonorrhea along with bath-salts and butt-chugging. At this rate, “the talk” will become a four-part miniseries instead of an awkward lunch at Wendy’s.

What does it say about society that we feel the need to lick each other’s eyeballs in order to demonstrate or experience affection? Was the open-mouth kiss just becoming too impersonal? Pretty soon the adult film industry will be churning out ocular-themed titles like Myopic Mistresses 4 or Lens-Licking Latinas 6.

I did enjoy Miss Energias’s passionate defense of the activity and the subsequent behavioral changes she implemented after “worming” put her in the hospital for 4 weeks. I am sure her friends and family can rest easy knowing that she is “just safer now, I guess..” Undoubtedly she has implemented a rigorous screening process to insure that her iris is bathed by only the best of tongues which is a much more prudent course of actions than say, not having random men lick your eye in the first place. Perhaps she can translate her vision of an ocular prophylactic into a business opportunity. In a few years Trojan may be cutting her a check.

I doubt any of these ophthalmologists ever envisioned themselves having to specifically instruct the public not to lick each other’s eyeballs. A reasonable person would assume such boundaries were implicit. This same philosophy should also make it unnecessary to ask people not to spit on a baby or smear feces in the hair of strangers.

The real question would be how the first instance of “oculolinctus” occurred. I have been alive and residing in a reasonably populated area for over three decades and I cannot recall even one instance where I came close to accidentally licking another human’s cornea. It isn’t like bumping into someone on the subway. There must be a concerted effort on the part of both giver and receiver while taking into account variables like height differential. Since there is evidence this may have even started in the late 90’s I picture a young couple in a dorm room while Mazzy Star plays in the background:

Brad, do you think we will always be together?

You complete me Lisa and my every waking moment is consumed by my love for you.

I know I have been frustrating these past few weeks but I wanted to make sure I was ready to…

Ssshhh…. You don’t have to apologize. I never wanted you to feel forced.

Well, I think I am finally ready to take our relationship to the next level. Do we still have that bottle of saline solution? Should be use a soft lens just to be on the safe side?

Let’s just open our eyes, protrude our tongues, and do what comes natural……..

A Baby Story Part 13

I have come to appreciate sleep as being one of the most valuable currencies in the economy of parenthood. It is for that reason that parents will take any advice, no matter how nonsensical, if it promises consistent sleep from their infants. Up until the late 1960’s, many parents utilized the magical over-the-counter concoction known as “paregoric” to calm fussy or sleepless babies. Of course, that was before society frowned on administering opium to newborns so now we are forced to read books that offer comprehensive behavioral solutions. Thanks big brother. 

There are some who believe the key to consistent and predictable infant sleep patterns lies in unyielding regimentation. Each and every nap, meal, and bowel movement will governed by a strict schedule that cannot be altered for several weeks lest the spell be broken. Consequences of breaking the routine can include anything from insomnia to unsanctioned defecation. Those with the personal fortitude to dedicate to such a system have reported some rather impressive results.

Another school of thought teaches that the parent’s job is not to force the child into a regimen, but to learn the child’s patterns. Each and every child is an individual and if he or she feels the need to wake up screaming every half hour; we should be honored to have the opportunity to become acquainted with their energy. Unnecessary structure only serves to stifle creativity.

As with most philosophies, I believe there is wisdom in compromise and moderation. While I may find the “and a child shall lead them” approach somewhat eye-roll inducing, there is also little chance that I am going to choke down my sandwich because little Timmy’s nap-time might be delayed by 45 seconds. My wife and I have adopted a middle-of-the-road approach that seeks to provide the benefits of structure with the practicality of being able to urinate at will.

It seems to have worked fairly well and for the longest time it was not his inability to sleep that was infuriating, it was his ability to sleep anywhere but in his crib. He effortlessly nods off during a monster truck rally only to be startled awake later that evening when someone dropped a sock on the carpet. It appeared that the easiest way to awaken him was to gently place him on a Sealy Posturepedic Infant mattress in a darkened room.

We then inundated his room with noise conditioning devices. At one point his tiny little ears were being assailed by a white noise machine, an in-utero heartbeat provided by a stuffed animal, and an MP3 loop of “Moonlight Sonata.” Thank goodness my wife is smarter (and more patient) than I am since he would still be waking up every two hours and I would be attempting to soothe him with game calls and the soundtrack to Apocalypse Now.

It turns out that a structure personalized to our child’s temperament worked best for us, but If things go sideways I reserve to right to break out Ride of the Valkyries……

An Amazon.com Review: The Busy Ball Popper

I see no shame in declaring myself to be a connoisseur of ball poppers for children, so when my wife purchased the Playskool Explore ‘N’ Grow Busy Ball Popper for our infant son, I could scarcely contain my excitement. I snatched the box from his tiny little fingers and proceeded to assemble the colorful apparatus. Setup was minimal and straightforward although you will need 4 D-cell batteries to operate it. The batteries are not overly expensive, but it should be noted that they can be used as a fist-loader in a physical altercation.

Initially my wife had experienced some trepidation after reading several product reviews that referenced the “loud volume” of the songs being somewhat off-putting.  The product description states that “giggles are guaranteed with eight lively songs” and by “lively” they mean ear-splitting and by “giggles” they mean an aneurism. I can only assume that the audio design was borrowed from an Israeli sleep-deprivation device and as such has no way to adjust the volume which is inexorably linked to the triggering mechanism. I was able to mute the volume by removing the case screws and cutting the pair of wires leading to the speakers.

I realize that this voids the manufacturer’s warranty but it was unlikely that I would ever find myself demanding a factory repair on a child’s $34 pneumatic ball-ejection device anyway. As a result of this modification the only noises I hear are rushing air mixed with childhood delight.

I am somewhat leery of the “mushroom trigger” mechanism as I fear it could encourage hallucinogenic experimentation later in life. After all, why else would a multinational company manufacture a toy that conditions impressionable children to utilize a “mushroom” to produce a “fun sensorial experience?” Go ahead and roll your eyes skeptics, but you’ll wish you had paid a little closer attention to his toys once junior is 19 and the police call you because he wandered naked into a Carl’s Jr looking for his vinyl copy of a Flaming Lips album.

I can concur with the 9 months and up manufacturer’s guidelines as my son (who has not yet reached six months) is unable to properly interact with the “shroom plunger.” However, he does seem to enjoy watching it operate as he soils himself. I cannot say the same....

Overall, Playskool makes a solid ball-popper despite the fact that they market educational toys under a brand-name that consistently misspells the word “school” on its packaging. The ejection mechanism works well and the clear feeder tubing provides a more esthetically-pleasing ball return system than other models I have worked with. Be advised that while it might be tempting to load a hamster into the clear feeder tube, this could prove to be rather unpleasant for both human and rodent. In conclusion, if you are looking for some wholesome family fun the Playskool Explore ‘N’ Grow Busy Ball Popper is for you.

The In-Home

The in-home purchase party is endlessly fascinating to me. Tastefully Simple, Avon, Pampered Chef, CAbi, Stella & Dot, and Beauty Control are just a few of the direct-sales-via in-home-party conglomerates getting a piece of this $30 Billion annual pie. It has become so widespread that there are now in-home parties where you can purchase bags to transport all of the items you purchased at the other in-home parties.Although it varies slightly from company to company, the basic model is as follows:

1.      Sales consultant for company contacts friends, family, or parole officer asks them to host a party.

2.      If said friend agrees to entrepreneurial home-invasion, they receive incentives in the form of “host rewards” which are usually discounts proportional to the amount of sales generated at the party.

3.      Consultant will take a percentage and attempt to continue the process by getting a party attendee to host their own shindig until the process becomes self-sustaining or you run out of acquaintances. 

As you can imagine, this business model is made possible by the fairer sex. I suspect this is because it combines the thrill of shopping with the allure of a social event. Can you imagine an in-home party hosted by and catering to men?

I would like to thank you all for attending and wanted to remind you any orders placed before July 15^th will receive complimentary FRAM oil filter and a set of Dremel accessories as a part of our ongoing Month of Masculinity promotion. There are plenty of store-brand pork rinds and Natural Light left by the microwave, so help yourself. I also wanted to reiterate that if anyone needs their drywall knife monogrammed there is a $5 convenience fee for nicknames over 12 characters or containing profanity.

Interestingly, one of the fastest growing areas of in-home shopping involves adult novelties. So called “passion parties” promise an opportunity to acquire items previously only available to those with Internet connections or people who live near an Arkansas Interstate ramp. I fully understand why no one has tried these with men since it would take a full 20 minutes for the chuckling to die down once the first product was introduced. Plus, there would likely be a fist-fight once an attendee took the “I tried using one of these once but Frank’s wife didn’t seem to enjoy it” jokes too far.

There is one category of man parties that are colloquially known as “meat-ings” whereby the host provides alcohol, burgers, and pay-per-view entertainment to lure buddies over for a sales pitch. Generally speaking, this level of male generosity is only deployed once a bet has been lost or you have finally worked up the courage to ask your buddies to help you move on a Saturday. I suppose a group of liquored up male house-guests would be susceptible to certain specialized items (Snap-On calendars, LED grill-spatulas) but generally I doubt these are very successful.

I would like to get in on the action, so I am contemplating starting a company that performs in-home consultations that help prospective party-hosts decide which brand of direct sales marketing is best suited to their needs. Think of it as an e-Harmony for direct sales. We would use a detailed questionnaire and proprietary algorithm to determine which direct-sales company is most likely to generate the largest sales thereby getting you the best rewards. For instance, you would invite all of your friends to the house and we would gauge your social-circle’s level of interest in Tastefully Simple versus Thirty-One. This type of prep work would help hosts avoid those awkward situations where Sister Roberta gets invited to the “Tickle My Fancy” gathering and the CAbi consultant finds herself in the community center at a nudist colony. If you refer a friend I will even toss in a complimentary organizer bag for all your organizer bags.