Movies That Suck: Evil Dead (2013)

                                           *Warning - Contains Spoilers*
 

I recently watched the 2013 reboot of the Sam Raimi horror classic Evil Dead. The remake was widely marketed as “the most terrifying film you will ever experience” (which I knew going in was unlikely to be accurate since I had already seen Twilight on two occasions) so I prepared myself for a visceral thriller that would shake the very foundations of my sanity. What I actually experienced was a humorless gore-fest that delivered clichéd one-liners without a hint of irony all while avoiding any semblance of logical behavior.

Part of the original’s charm was the tongue-in-cheek manner in which the events were portrayed. One suspects that was due in equal parts to the creativity necessitated by a limited budget and the imagination of the talented crew.

What makes a film frightening is the degree to which the viewer can live vicariously through the characters. The more likely we are to find ourselves in the situations faced by the protagonist the more likely we are to be unnerved and frightened by what they experience.

In the film’s opening scene we are presented with a young girl whose very soul has been possessed by a demon so vile it has caused her to murder her own mother. In order to save her soul, her father must burn her alive in the presence of a rather unattractive group of locals and a few dozen dead cats. 

We are told that this entire unfortunate series of events can be attributed to a single nefarious book and the contents thereof. Obviously, having just experienced a horrifying supernatural phenomenon, they take meticulous steps to insure that the book cannot harm anyone again. I’m just kidding. They wrap a Hefty sack around it, festoon it with barbed wire and then leave it on the reading desk surrounded by enough decaying feline carcasses to draw the attention of every scavenger in the tri-state area.

It is at this same location a group of college students arrive (somehow managing to navigate a front-wheel drive station wagon through an active creek barely  passable in a Jeep Wrangler) to assist a young woman in her attempt to overcome heroin addiction. In short order they discover the book, recite its incantations, and immediately begin drawing illogical conclusions from the events that follow. All of this unfolds in an abandoned remote cabin that, despite having no discernible power source, is able to provide ample electricity and powered kitchen utensils when the story requires it.

The heroin addict is the first to be possessed by the demon which causes her to deliver cringe worthy lines such as “I can smell your filthy soul!” in a voice that sounds like Henry Rollins produced by T-Pain. Each character is then subjected to increasingly gruesome injuries at the behest of the evil spirit, but none fares worse than the bespectacled Greg Allman doppelganger responsible for unleashing the wicked forces currently afflicted them. He is impaled through the heart with a shard of jagged glass, repeatedly stabbed in the face, neck, and cornea by a hypodermic needle, shot repeatedly with a pneumatic nail gun and then viciously beaten with a steel crowbar. After that his luck runs out.

In the end, the demon is defeated by judicious use of a chainsaw and expressionless delivery of the line, “feast on this motherf*****!” This inadvertently made the most outrageous aspect of the film the fact that it is possible to start a derelict chainsaw on severely degraded fuel in the pouring rain. There are people with chainsaws in climate-controlled lockers who wouldn’t expect that level of dependability from their power tools.

Try as I might, I was unable to recover from the lack of concern shown to hiding the book in the film’s opening scene. If a single artifact was capable of inciting this level of misery and destruction I might put a little more effort into preventing its reemergence. At least put the dust jacket for David Hasselhoff’s autobiography on the outside cover so that other people are unlikely to open it. Such common courtesy should be a no-brainer.

There was also the question of which human behaviors were symptoms of opium withdrawal and which were the result of demonic possession. Even the registered nurse appeared flummoxed when asked if melting one’s skin off while threatening the souls your companions was a normal part of cold turkey. As a layperson with only Anthony Keidis’s Scar Tissue and repeated viewings of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab to guide me, I can assure you these are not common side effects.

This film is rated R for gratuitous illogical behavior, misrepresentation of a late 90’s Ford Taurus Wagon and a scene of sexual assault perpetrated by shrubbery.

Recent Observations

• While handing out candy to trick-or-treaters, I observed a young boy (probably around 7) whose costume consisted of jeans and a Miller Lite t-shirt. More disturbing that the parent’s decision to place their offspring in a beer t-shirt was the fact that the shirt was appropriately sized for a child of his age. Who at Miller Brewing said, “Does anyone see an issue with licensing our logo to Gymboree?” and got no response? There is always the possibility that what I attributed to laziness and sub-par parenting was an ingenious dig at the boy’s father. Had I asked, the mother might have responded that the boy was disguised as her ex-husband since he was jobless, sloppily attired, and asking for handouts.    

• A few weeks ago I found myself following a car with a personalized license plate that read “AMERICA.” While the owner’s patriotism did not strike me as particularly unusual, the fact that he chose to affix this license plate to a distinctly foreign sedan was somewhat ironic. Generally speaking, if you are of the mindset willing to expend the money and effort necessary to become the only person in your entire state that has “America” on their tags you would likely purchase from a domestic manufacturer. Of course, there is also the possibility that he confused the “Country” and “Desired Tag” fields on the form and has been too embarrassed to correct it.  

• While recently attending a downtown event geared toward children, I was treated to the sounds of a local rock band. Their musicianship was admirable, but they kept playing Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash and placing extra vocal emphasis on the “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die” section. There was something disconcerting about witnessing a group of grade-school children clapping along. Much to my chagrin, I was unable to break away long enough to request Creeping Death by Metallica.

• I have reached my limit on being forced to carry “loyalty keychain lanyards” for every business I have ever patronized in the continental United States. Every bookstore, restaurant, pet store, grocery, pharmacy, gym, and pawn shop has a “rewards card” program where you are forced to divulge your home address in exchange for the ability to hand them your money without being hassled at the register. If you don’t possess one, you are subjected a variation of the following exchange:

“Are you a secret VIP rewards zone member?”

“No”

“Wouldn’t you like to become one? It’s free and it qualifies you to receive bi-monthly 10% coupons for quarterly purchases of yearly merchandise. Plus, you get a newsletter with special promotional pricing for holiday items”

“No thanks; just the Sprite and what I owe on pump 5 will be fine”

(Cashier’s face becomes a mask of disbelief as if you have just refused eternal salvation) “Oh…if you’re sure…”

There are probably Colombian drug cartels asking coke mules if they have their “narcotics loyalty card” on them at this very moment. When did it stop being acceptable for me to simply pay for my merchandise and leave the premises? No offense, but I am not sure I am going to accumulate enough points at participating Nevada-area BP stations to justify 45 minutes of paperwork.

Distopia

I recently had the pleasure of perusing the 2013 World Happiness report which attempts to ascertain the level of “life satisfaction” experienced by a particular country’s populace and then compare that to other countries. The study utilized a fictional sovereign nation called “Distopia” to which they attributed the lowest worldwide average of 6 key variables: GDP per capita, years of healthy life expectancy, social support, perceptions of corruption, prevalence of generosity, and freedom to make life choices. They then ranked the 156 countries to decide which sovereign nation was the happiest.

Out of all the nations to appear in the report, Denmark received the study’s highest marks for happiness while the United States wasn’t even the happiest country in North America (Canada and Mexico were both ranked higher). Aside from making our fight against illegal immigration seem ironic, the report highlighted some interesting aspects of our country.

The first sub-category is GDP per-capita (or the total value of all goods and services produced by a country divided by country’s population) and according to the International Monetary Fund, the United States is consistently ranked lower than Denmark or Canada in this category so that would contribute to our 17^th place overall finish. Using this economic metric, Denmark generates an average of $6,000 more per citizen per year and Canada generates about $2,000 more per citizen per year. Mexico wasn’t even in the running. 

The second sub-category is years of “healthy” life expectancy. I assume this means that they adjusted the regular life expectancy for people who are vegetative or enjoy Taco Bell on a regular basis. The United States was again ranked below Denmark and Canada but ahead of Mexico. This could also be partially explained by the fact that America’s obesity rate is almost double of those in Canada or Denmark.

The last three sub-categories are much more difficult to quantify as they are generally the result of responses to “yes” or “no” questions like, “Do you have someone in your life that you could count whenever you need them?” and “Are you satisfied that you have the freedom to do what you want with your life?" It appears that several countries scored lower because their populace is prohibited from answering questions about freedom.

Mostly, I was disappointed that they did not further elaborate on what Distopia would look like in practical terms so I took it upon myself to create some specifics on this depressingly unhappy country.

Governance –Revolving monthly dictatorship based on height.

Geography – 12,452 square miles of treacherous ravines bordered by a half-dozen active volcanoes. Area is prone to flooding, drought, and holiday landslides.

Education – Compulsory repression classes until the age of 12 followed by six months of mandatory self-loathing seminars.   

Climate –High risk for arctic tornadoes and drought lightning. Sun is visible only between 11:42 and 11:46 AM during the month of June.

Economy – Carcinogen manufacturing and Maury Povich transcription services provide the majority of household income. Individual tax rates are determined by zodiac sign.

Military – Standing army is comprised of 150 nearsighted middle school children armed with T-shirt cannons. Navy consists of 3 decommissioned “bumper-boats” and one Nerf N-Elite RapidStrike CS-18 Blaster.

 

Religion – Charismatic Scientology (85%) / Militant Quakers (14%) / Orthodox Agnosticism (1%)

 

Do You Poop Enough?

While browsing the web last week I was presented with, what I felt to be, a rather impertinent question. A web page ad asked me if I “poop enough.” The question appeared next to a picture of what is either a snuggling ferret or an unfortunately-shaped bagel. Eager to discover whether or not the frequency of my bowel movements were cause for concern, I clicked the link and was taken to the Toxic Belly Bug Fix website.   

Apparently these nefarious microorganisms are responsible for everything from cancer to failed relationships. Fortunately, the site includes a list of risk factors associated with infection. You could be stricken if you have ever been exposed to the following:

• Sugar
• Antibiotics
• Pollution
• Toothpaste
• Alcohol
• Processed Foods

Clearly, my digestive system was on the brink of disaster so I navigated to the “symptoms list” to ascertain my level of infection. Symptoms of Toxic Belly Bug include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Headaches
• Skin Problems
• Trouble Sleeping
• Constipation
• Diarrhea
• Overall Sickness

Just as it appeared that all hope was lost, the site revealed that registered dietician (and VP of Research and Development at BioTrust Nutrition) Brett Hall had a solution. For $50 per bottle, I could receive doses of a pro-biotic supplements guaranteed to put an end to my lonely, sleepless nights spent fighting the squirts. It was almost too good to be true.

Brett Hall

Although I was unable to independently verify Brett’s credentials (or existence), he is referenced by a number of reputable websites like “thefutureofhealthnow.com/double-your-fatloss-without-diet-or-exercise-really” so there is little doubt concerning his legitimacy.Plus, how could you doubt the sincerity of anyone with a head-shot like that?

How many people fall for this? I can just imagine some poor soul saying to themselves, "What are the chances!? I use toothpaste AND experience occasional headaches!" Of course, the key term in all of this is "belly fat." They know full well that their target demographic is a self-conscious woman whose tireless struggle with her midsection has dramatically reduced her sales resistance.This product (and those like it) exist simply to exploit the superficiality they help create.

That being said, I must admire the marketing strategy and it has inspired me to launch my own pseudo-medical product. First I needed an appropriately horrifying ailment to cure. I have settled on “Parasitic Gastrointestinal Pneumonia" (or PCP for short). Its effects are as vague as they are devastating:

• General Malaise
• Chronic, Intermittent, or Occasional Physical Discomfort
• Recurring hunger and/or thirst  
• Sensitivity to light, heat, cold, or racism
• Irregular sneezing
• Fatigue associated with exhaustion

You may be at risk if you satisfy one or more of the following risk factors:

• Biological parents with a history of sexual activity
• Past consumption of sodium
• Exposure to suspected carcinogens
• Contact with carpeted surfaces
• Family history of illness and/or death

Fortunately for the afflicted, they will be able to purchase my BioWeave Intestinal Drops with X5 Technology. Taken just twice daily two times each day, they can restore your vitality and mitigate the effects of PCP.