Too Much Good News

I have recently come to the conclusion that Western society is in danger of over-marketing the Holy Bible. Zondervan alone offers in excess of 700 different Bibles, many of them catering to sub-sets of Protestant consumers unaware of their need for a customized scriptural experience. I wanted to cast a wider net, but for the sake of brevity I kept to it nine of my favorites... for ladies..... who are old enough to vote.....

The Women’s Devotional Bible – Are you seeking a gender-specific copy of the Bible but unwilling to click “next page” to find one? Have you tried reading your husband’s Bible but found the masculine subtext off-putting? This edition is for you. Just because you are missing a Y chromosome doesn’t mean that you have to miss God’s plan for your life!

The New Women’s Devotional Bible – Don’t want to be seen leafing through the epistles in a traditional women’s devotional Bible? Are you an early adopter? The New Women’s Devotional Bible tells the world (and that nosey old bity in your prayer circle) that you are a cutting edge Christian lady. First 500 copies come with a free Palm Pilot cozy!

Aspire: The New Women of Color Study Bible – Are you tired of reading traditional women’s Bibles that don’t specifically take your ethnicity into account? This edition promises to “reveal the African influence of scripture” while offering the spiritual insights you would miss reading a culturally-neutral edition.   

The Mom’s Devotional Bible –Let’s face it. God used to speak to you through your old women’s Bible, but that was before your C-section. It’s not your fault; you are just using the wrong version. You need a devotional Bible that speaks to your anxieties as a parent. A women’s Bible was fine before you had to contemplate genetic anomalies and charter school lotteries, but you need a divine revelation that acknowledges your newly acquired tax deduction.

The New Mom’s Prayer Bible – Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that you contemplated purchasing the Mom’s Devotional Bible for a loved one who had recently given birth to their first child but felt that it was not quite personal enough. Enter the “New Mom’s Prayer Bible” which contains prayers and scripture references that immediately become irrelevant upon the birth of your second child or upon your first child’s 2^nd birthday (whichever comes first).

The Busy Mom’s Bible – Be forewarned, if you are a Christian mother who finds herself overwhelmed by leisure time you might want to skip this edition. While those “regular” or “new” moms are lounging around perusing the “Spare Time New Testament” you have work to do and precious little time to do it in. 

The Homeschool Mom’s Bible – Not satisfied with a “mom’s” devotional Bible but wouldn’t categorize yourself as “new” or “busy” and cannot seem to locate an edition of God’s word that speaks to you as a home educator? Not to fear, Zondervan is on the case. Who knew that the Bible could be useful even for female parents who chose to forgo the traditional educational model and take control of their offspring’s edification? 

The Grandmother’s Devotional Bible – Just because your children have procreated doesn’t mean you have to settle for a Bible marketed to “women” or “mothers.” This edition brings the good book to life in a way that pre-menopausal or childless women couldn’t imagine. 

The Real-Life Devotional Bible for Women – Tired of fantasy-based women’s Bibles? Uncomfortable reading Leviticus fan-fiction? Why not try the “real-life” devotional Bible? Unlike those other female-friendly editions, this one exclusively focuses on plausible ethical dilemmas so you don’t find yourself contemplating how Jesus would react to extraterrestrial colonization or speculate on Moses’s role in the upcoming clone wars.  

Call me a skeptic if you will, but in my experience one’s willingness to spend time reading The Bible is rarely predicated on the demographic specificity with which the scripture is presented. I have yet to hear someone comment that they don’t study the New Testament because they feel that no one has released the correct edition for them. The truth is that most of us suffer from a surplus of Bibles and a shortage of moments we are willing to devote to their study.

That being said, you cannot argue with marketing, so I have compiled what I believe will be the next wave in overly-specific study Bibles:

• The Recently-Divorced Single Mother of Italian Ancestry’s Devotional Bible.
• The Left-Handed Diabetic Paralegal Study Bible
• The Daily Devotional Bible for Myopic Venture Capitalists
• The NIV for Anemic Presbyterian Mechanics
• Today’s King James Version for Marginally-Disillusioned Catholics  
• The Retired Arc-Welder's Prayer Bible (with Russian concordance) 

On The Selling of Innocence

Recently, a 27-year old American medical student at the University of Washington named Hanna Kern (operating under the pseudonym Elizabeth Raine) caught media attention when she created a website to award her virginity to the highest bidder. The innocence auction kicked off on April 1^st and closed nearly a month later with a high bid of $801,000. There were some stipulations (such as the carnal act taking place in Australia, 35% of the proceeds going to charity and Miss Raine having right of refusal concerning the high bidder) but it otherwise appeared to be a straightforward exchange of virginity for currency. 

Hanna Kern (aka Elizabeth Raine)

Some viewed this scenario as yet another manifestation of this country’s moral erosion while others appeared to be disconcertingly supportive of the idea. So you can imagine the stir it caused in the media (not to mention the commodities market) when Miss Raine released the following statement at the auction’s conclusion:

The bidding closed yesterday as planned (high bid was $801,000), but I am here to tell you that the terms of the auction will not be fulfilled. With the blessings of my management and the high bidders, I have decided to put a stop to this kerfuffle (to describe it nicely) and return my focus to my medical training. I still do possess some spitefully strong beliefs about virginity, prostitution, and a woman’s right to do as she damned pleases, but school is my first priority (as it has been for my entire life). At this point, I no longer care about the auction, at least not nearly enough. This was a very easy decision.

In the days following the auction, there has been speculation that the high bidder was unable to verify their ability to pay or that Miss Raine felt that the closing price was too low. Regardless, I enjoyed the fact that she referred to her “management” in the press release. How does one even go about selecting the proper firm to oversee such a transaction? Do these organizations operate on a “we don’t get paid until you get paid” basis or is there a non-refundable hymen deposit? I can only hope their television ads run after 10 PM. 

The phone call between her management and the soon-to-be disappointed high bidder must have been one for the time capsule. There are only so many people in danger of getting this voicemail:

              We are calling in reference to the virginity of one Elizabeth Raine. The good news is that you were selected as the high bidder; the bad news is that this particular item has been discontinued. We apologize for any inconvenience and will contact you in the event that Miss Raine’s purity becomes available again. In the meantime, we are offering the virginity of two computer science majors and one Renaissance fair coordinator at a substantial discount.

I have always enjoyed people who voluntarily engineer complex and time-consuming scenarios for themselves only to spend hours opining on how the aforementioned pursuits have compromised their true passions. If you are a consenting adult and wish to subcontract your deflowering to PayPal so be it. But don’t spend hours taking photos, writing essays and generating publicity only to cite it’s (presumably unforeseen) detrimental effect on your actual goals as the reason you abandon it at the 11^th hour.

I suspect that this was nothing more than an intentionally-polarizing social experiment designed to catalyze a discussion on female sexuality that got out of hand. The auction’s protagonist has undoubtedly gathered copious amounts of anecdotal evidence to be used in support of her espoused views on the subject. With a little luck, she might be able to parlay her notoriety into a book-deal or reality show and generate the same amount of revenue without subjected herself to the type of men willing to purchase her virtue it rather than earn it the old fashioned way.

The weeks and months to come will undoubtedly bring us footage of reporters chasing Miss Kern across campus as they breathlessly inquire about her future plans. She will then, somewhat ironically, request that the public respect her privacy during this difficult time. She will spend the next year fending off lucrative offers to headline an adult film before accepting a position as a regular columnist at Cosmo.

As far as the inherent morality of an adult selling one’s virginity, it is easy to dismiss such a person as an ethically-bankrupt pervert, but I am sure there are several people out there throwing stones whose own innocence was cashed in for a few kind words interpreted through the rudderless haze of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a Third Eye Blind album. We should also be cognizant of how potent our vitriol is for the seller, while we remain largely silent on the culpability of a society that produced multiple buyers. 

Perhaps the takeaway from this entire ordeal is that the fate of one's virginity should never be entrusted to the Internet. Call me old fashioned, but every person's first sexual experience deserves more dignity than a "buy it now" button can provide. 

Words That Don't Belong Together

War-Crime Theater Guild

Prison Courtesy Shuttle

Factory Outlet Breakfast Buffet

Hate-Crime Theme Park

Dishwasher-Safe Parakeets

Refurbished Dental Appliance

Euthanasia Fan-Fiction

Estate-Sale Ground Beef

Glutton-Free Ammunition

Pediatric Taxidermy

Gary Busey Childcare Services

Operating Theater Seat-Filler

Porta-Potty Instagram

Hepatitis C “The Musical”

Reality Television

Preschool Fight Club

Insightful Facebook Quiz

Sex Offender Scavenger Hunt

Aquaphobia Benefit Car Wash

Organic Hoof Butter

Illustrated Lab Results

Urinal Cake Pie Chart 

Truck Stop Pedicure

Misplaced Skin-Graft

Cuticle Infidelity

Tertiary Courtesy Flush

Tennessee Bills

Recently, I was perusing a sampling of the bills passed during the latest session of the Tennessee State Legislature and I came across these highlights. Enjoy.

SB2482 / HB2406 – “Serving Wine at Art Galleries”

If you are seeking unnervingly-specific legislation, look no further than this gem. It was created to allow the distribution of complimentary wine, by an art gallery, only if said gallery does not sell food or beverages and can demonstrate that at least 90% of its revenue is derived from the sale of artwork. The proprietors of the gallery must also ensure that the recipients of said gratis libations are not already intoxicated (presumably from the copious amounts of free wine they consumed at the previous gallery they were at). I wonder what the litmus test would be for “too drunk for an art gallery?” Does someone step in once you start botching impressionism references or are people so polite that you have to be caught licking the canvas before the owner intervenes?

I suspect plying prospective customers with free alcohol is not a bad marketing strategy. I can only imagine if this ability was extended to other local businesses. Some poor sap would be walking around a used car dealership with a glass of whiskey while the salesman kept whispering, “If anyone in this town deserves a new Porsche, it is a man who has emerged from his second bankruptcy with his head held high.” 

SB1771/HB1883 – “Allows the sale, loan, or gift of switchblade knives to minors”

I know what you are thinking: What took them so long? I think we can all agree that we are all better off without big brother looking over our shoulder every time Chuck-E-Cheese hands out a click-sticker. I would love to hear the story behind this bill. What crusading citizen stood up and said, “It is high time that we decriminalized switchblade raffles at local preschools!” I also enjoyed the specification of “switchblade loaning” as acceptable. In my experience, there are only a handful of reasons someone would ask to borrow your switchblade and all of them end with you pleading to an accessory charge.

In defense of our legislative body, the same bill did increase the fine for “employing a switchblade knife during the commission of a dangerous felony” from $3,000 to $6,000. So while more underage children may be totting switchblades, let it be known that they will be responsible for paying a hefty fine for their misuse. (Or at least they would have to if they were legally allowed to hold jobs.)

SB1777 / HB1952 – “Prohibits the use of drones to interfere with citizens hunting and fishing”

Nothing ruins a day on the lake like being constantly strafed by an MQ-1 Predator Drone. If I had a dollar for every time a government-operated sky-snooper ruined my haul of Pike, I wouldn’t have to keep robbing people with my recently-decriminalized switchblade. Tellingly, the legislation only prohibits “surveillance” by a drone but does nothing to discourage the launch of lethal projectiles from unmanned aircraft. Perhaps there is a truncated “hellfire missile” season that bookends bow season.  

SB2242 / HB1704 – “Third Offense of Observation without Consent”

You can rest easy Tennesseans, because that dirty old-pervert in the duplex next door is only allowed to window shop for so long before he earns the dubious title of “sex-offender”. While I completely understand the need to prevent and discourage “peeping tom” behavior in a civilized society, I imagine it would be pretty difficult to score the conviction trifecta on this charge. I can see a clever defense attorney arguing that his client was simply an overzealous participant in the local neighborhood watch program and feared that his victim was in danger of being attacked by the roving gang of switchblade-wielding toddlers that had recently taken over the area.  Although it was unclear whether the “three peeks” statute included drone-based observation without consent, I wouldn’t tempt fate and film your neighbor’s nude bass-fishing tournament with an RC Helicopter just to be on the safe side.