Placing Ads on My Blog

You may have noticed that over the past week or so that ads have starting appearing on my bog. This was a conscious effort to satisfy my curiosity and underwrite the $12 per year that it costs me to register the domain name exceptionalmediocrity.com. I can safely say that the former has been a success while the latter appears to be a bust.

As of this writing, I have around 600 views but amassed on 2 cents worth of ad revenue. Apparently people who read my musings have a reluctance to click on Internet ads. This paradoxically fills me with both financial regret and great intellectual pride. In order to resolve the two, I have created a fun game for the entire family. Think of it as an online revenue generator connect-the-dots.

Since I currently do not have editorial control of the ads that appear on my page (they are generated by a complex algorithm) I thought it would interesting to discern a pattern between the seemingly random offerings that appear in the margins of my blog. What follows are actual ads that have appeared on this site and my attempt to place them in a logical progression:

1.      #1 Reason That Men Pull Away

This would appear to be targeted at women who wish to prevent emotional, spiritual, or physical separation between themselves and their male partners. Of course, one can only become privy to this astounding secret by clicking on the ad itself. Since I am prevented by policy from clicking on a live ad, I may never know the secret (Is it irreconcilable differences concerning national fiscal policy?) but fortunately the next ad generated on my page might hold a clue….

2.      Beautiful Russians

In what could be described as self-fulfilling prophecy, you now have the opportunity to meet attractive Russian co-eds by simply clicking a button. I suppose the idea is that if American women find you immature and repugnant, a Russian woman might dismiss these shortcomings as a cultural difference. If the man you are in a relationship with spends a lot of time online and suddenly remembers that he must attend to some important business at the Siberian branch office, he may have already starting pulling away…..

3.       Air-Bag Deployment

The ruse is up when your already suspicious wife recognizes your Rosetta Stone purchase and softening stance on Putin’s foreign policy as a harbinger for the end of your relationship. An argument ensues and in your haste to leave you run into the maple tree she has been asking you to cut down since you bought the house last fall. Now your Pontiac GrandAm is un-drivable, but you don’t have a great deal of money to spend on repairs because you will need any disposal income to cover the cost of…….

4.      Long Distance Moving

So, what would be the next step for a gentleman who has decided to settle down with Natalya Philanderoff? Well that XBOX 360 and your Waffle House memorabilia aren’t going to get themselves to the motherland, so you are going to need a specialist. Fortunately, there is an ad to help you begin your new life. Before long you have assimilated with the culture, starting enjoying the food, and almost come to terms with the glaring discrepancy between Natalya’s profile picture and her actual physical appearance. There is one peculiarity that has occurred since you moved in with Natalya; you have begun noticing a strange dental issue….

5.      Sensitive Teeth

Apparently the tap-water in Russia is not of the highest quality and now every time you wolf down a bowl of re-heated Borscht it feels like there are holes in your molars that lead directly to your central nervous system. Thankfully, you had the good sense to click on that online ad from that blog you read and packed a few tubes of Sensodyne in you toiletries case.

6.      Bible Verses

By now, summer has given way to fall which inevitably leads to winter and being a “turnip extraction technician” hasn’t been has rewarding as you thought that it would be. You start to think that you may have made a mistake when you left the life you had before. You want to start over, you hope for a clean slate, you yearn for the ancient words that speak of forgiveness and grace; and as if by some miracle here they are in front of you.

A Bathroom Policy For Everyone

So apparently Target’s new bathroom policy has created three groups of people: those who applaud its inclusivity, those who find it morally abhorrent, and people that would pee next to a transsexual clown as long as the facility was clean.

Most opposed to Target's new policy would give you the following scenario:

Pete the Perv puts on a dress, declares himself a woman and sneaks into the women’s restroom to either sexually assault a defenseless young girl or clandestinely-record footage of female patrons relieving themselves.

Most advocating for Target’s new policy would counter with:

Both of those actions are already illegal (and against store policy) so why shouldn’t a private business be allowed to set its own bathroom policy in order to be more accepting of everyone?

I have secretly been attempting to get my wife to boycott Target for years (for financial reasons) and it turns out that she falls in the third category. As best I can tell, getting her to boycott Target would require them tying a kitten to a Harry Potter book and setting them both on fire. So I have decided to speak on behalf of the silent majority.

Let’s face it: when it comes to relieving oneself, no one likes an away game. We all prefer to conduct our business at the home office, but there are times when road games get penciled into the schedule. In those circumstances, I am looking for a few very specific items as a part of your bathroom policy:

Reasonable Cleanliness – I once walked into a rest area in Arkansas and found a turd shoved into a tube sock lying in the middle of the restroom floor. Also, wipe down the stall walls every once in a while. There is nothing like glancing around only to realize that you are in a booger museum. I would rather use a spotless bathroom with gender-fluid Pat than a filthy one with staunchly-hetero Bill.

Soap, Towels, and Toilet Paper – This is common courtesy. If you are going to offer a sink, provide the necessary accessories to utilize it. Same with the toilet. Otherwise it is just accommodational-entrapment. I find this especially aggravating when the proprietor has taken time to hang a sign that encourages you to “Wash Your Hands for Good Health” and yet only give you the opportunity to moisten the germs already present on them.

Baby Changing Stations (especially in men’s rooms) – Contrary to popular belief, there are fathers and grandfathers who change diapers and what we really wish to avoid is having to lay our child on the counter next to someone cursing loudly because there is no soap or paper towels. Also, please follow the manufacturer’s mounting instructions. There are times to cut corners and just use 2 of the 4 provided wall-anchors, but compromising the structural integrity of an infant Murphy-bed is not one of those times.

No Token Paperwork – Please don’t patronize me by placing an “Hourly Restroom Inspection” sheet in a plastic frame behind the door. If I have to read a spreadsheet in order to convince myself that you are cleaning your restroom then you are doing it wrong.

Restroom Placement– Conveniently-located and clearly-marked is the name of the game. Ever tried to pee at a home improvement store? You always have to dodge forklifts and slip down an alleyway. Our local Books-A-Million always has so many boxes stacked up by the men’s room I feel like I am being allowed behind the counter at the UPS store.

If you choose not to go to Target for moral reasons, stand strong and please contact my wife and explain to her why she should do the same. If you are proud of the stance Target has taken, buy more stuff than usual and then contact my wife to tell her that whatever she was going to buy is out-of-stock. If you are pretty certain that, policy or no-policy, your local Target wouldn’t notice if a urologist opened a satellite office in the women’s restroom; hold it till you get home.  

If I misrepresented anyone’s views, please feel free to let me know in the comment section (it is gender-neutral).

A Woman's Place

I have previously expounded upon the practice of Christian Domestic Discipline and the use of spankings to keep the misses sufficiently agreeable toward the HoH (Head of Household). However, I realize that some men are somewhat skittish when it comes to the “physical readjustment” of their spouse’s attitude. Fortunately, the website www.biblicalgenderroles.com is here to guide your journey.

Featured articles include “How God Made Man Superior to Woman” a rather lengthy tome peppered with biological charts and insightful excerpts about:

Domestic Roles – “I believe it is Biblical that a woman’s place is in the home: not saying she can never go out, but that caring for the needs of her husband, her children and her home should be the focus of her life.”

Perpetrators of Mass Shootings – “Some children are raised with two loving parents, and maybe even a mom who took care of them when they were little. They are simply born evil and sadistic and psychotic, plain and simple.”

Testosterone Deficiencies – “Either way you slice it, most relationships between men and women do not work well when the wife is more intelligent and makes more money than the husband. In the rare instances where it does work, I guarantee you will find a feminine man who is low on testosterone, or a man who had a domineering and aggressive mother who beat his father down.”

Now before any of you godless feminists get all up in arms and trouble your woefully underdeveloped brains, there is also an article that highlights the areas that a woman is superior to a man such as her ability to “smell better” and “taste better.” There is even a rather elaborate graphic of a female silhouette that reminds us that a woman has more fat which “gives her that curvy look and cushy feel.” Seriously, who wouldn't trade equality for the olfactory capabilities of a bloodhound and the body contours of an overstuffed sofa?

While some may be tempted to find offense at describing a human being like the interior of a Buick, it is worth  remembering that women also have been given the spiritual gift of cleavage, “A woman’s breasts are a blessing from God to man.”

Other topics of interest include:

Women in Pants – “if a woman’s father, husband or pastor allows her to wear pants then there is no sin in her doing this as long as the pants she wears pertains to a woman and not to a man.”

Social Etiquette – “A man cupping his wife’s breasts in the kitchen may be ok when no one is around but he should not be grabbing her breasts when they have company.”

Women in Politics – “In no way does the Bible EVER paint women in leadership roles as a positive thing, but it is something God uses to shame the men into action.”

Dealing With A Lazy Wife – “If you have money then as a form of discipline you should have confiscated your wife’s credit cards and not given her weekly money. Hire someone to come in and help with the laundry and house work.  As far as meals go out to dinner by yourself and do not take your wife.  Make sure there are is some food for her in the house as that is something you are required to supply her with as her husband.  But it does not have to be fancy food.  Make her eat sandwiches."

There are areas of glaring incongruity such as the lengthy article about Kate Upton. The site’s author defends his son’s right to hang posters of Kate Upton in a bikini on his wall. While I have neither the time nor the motivation to discuss his reasoning behind the decision, it struck me as a quite the dichotomy given his stated purpose for women:

"God intended for you to marry a man and then serve him with all your heart to the very best of your ability. God intended for you to have children (if you are not barren) and to care for those children. God intended for you to care for home and make it haven for your husband and your children."

Any role falling outside of these parameters is dismissed as “selfish-ambition” or anti-Biblical and yet in reference to the aforementioned bikini wall-art he says,” In regards to women’s bodies, my son knows most women don’t look like Kate Upton, that is why she makes the money she does, because she is so exceptionally beautiful.”

One wonders how a single, childless, out-spoken entrepreneur who has (at least to some degree) transformed her own immodesty into a business empire would be worthy of his admiration since she has so clearly forgotten her place. Indeed, were all women to take his advice his son would have nothing to adorn his walls but bikini photos of Charles Spurgeon.

The blog is authored under the pseudonym Larry Solomon. According to the site, “The reason I do not use my real name is the same reason that Christ hid himself from Jews” He further identifies himself as a once-divorced middle-aged Caucasian Baptist who works in technology and has five children.

I have a suspicion that the reason Larry Solomon chose anonymity has nothing to do with Jews and everything to do with the likelihood of becoming the subject of the first-ever Snapped Mini-Series. Mr. Solomon, whose chosen surname is likely a reference to his breathless endorsement of Biblical polygamy, and I share much in common (at least demographically speaking). We are both married Caucasian-male parents who have spent their professional careers in the field of technology. 

As a fellow blogger, I must also admire his prolific output. The sheer volume of posts from someone with a full time job and five kids is staggering. I can only assume his capacity to pursue his own goals and passions are conversely dependent upon his wife’s ability to suppress her own.

As I mentioned previously, he does not endorse the use of physical coercion but suggests some rather creative alternatives for a tenacious female helpmate that keeps going broken arrow. Ideas include forcing her to drive an older car (preferably a Pontiac Aztec for severe indiscretions) or delay getting her that new dishwasher that she has been wanting. If she continues down her destructive path, you are even permitted to bring her before the church. While “Larry” chooses not to elaborate on what such a scene might look like, here is my best guess:

Fellow parishioners, I regret that I ask you to assist me in correcting my wife’s behavior. For months now she has made thinly-veiled allusions to “finishing her degree” and on two separate occasions I arrived home to find that the dishwasher and washing machine were both inactive. The silence from the vacuum cleaner is deafening and if she continues down this path we could be looking at a Dancing with the Stars marathon and sweatpants by fall.

I have already taken away her name-brand body-wash privileges and threatened to downgrade her to a non-convection oven but to no avail. It only seems to embolden her. I beseech all of you to join me in a campaign of punitive stares and malicious whispers before she acquires an MBA and a pantsuit.

There is a theory that the entire site is a hoax perpetrated by an Internet troll intent on stirring the pot. I hope they are right, and the views and opinions are nothing more than a satirical ruse. Otherwise we are faced with the grim reality that this middle-aged white programmer is exactly who he says he is.