Saturday, October 5, 2013

Dinos & Damsels

I am, and always have been, a fan of the written word. While I enjoy both fiction and non-fiction literature, there are some genres I have no desire to venture into. In the past, this list was limited to DIY texts concerning medical procedures and Glen Beck novels. Today, that list got a new entry: Dinosaur erotica. Available digitally from major retailers like Amazon and Barnes and Noble, the basic premise involves a cavewoman, an extinct reptile, and the love that dare not speak its name.


This niche category is currently dominated by authors Christie Sims and Alara Branwen whose works include “Ravished by the Triceratops” and “Taken by a T-Rex.” In addition to paleolithic erotica, they also have an impressive canon of amorous tales involving mythical beasts such as “Riding the Dragon” and “Taken by the Pegasus.”

I did become confused while browsing their “Mounted by the Gryphon” series since the cover art featured a “griffin” superimposed over a bikinied woman. It turns out that “gryphon” is actually the geological term for an active mud volcano. This means that either the author was confused, or this novel is even filthier than I initially suspected.


How large an audience can these novels have? How many people watched Jurassic Park and thought to themselves, “I can’t believe Spielberg didn’t capitalize on the obvious sexual chemistry between Laura Dern and that velociraptor!” Perhaps it was inevitable that Americans would reach a place where humans making sweet love to contemporary animals just wasn’t pushing the envelope far enough, I am just disappointed that I was around to witness it.


Personally, I feel that there is a missed opportunity for a romantic-comedy when you have a T-Rex involved with a cavewoman. Aside from the obvious miscommunication setups, can you imagine the hilarious shenanigans that would ensue as the stubby-armed dinosaur attempted to embrace his date or uncork a bottle of champagne? Put that Tyrannosaurus in a situation where he has to work a bra and you’ve got comedy gold!


These novels exemplify both the blessing and the curse of the self-publishing model because it fosters creativity but does so in a manner that often bypasses the vetting process of a large publishing house. I imagine that a traditional book proposal setting would have generated a rather humorous rejection e-mail:


While we appreciate the creativity and talent displayed in your submitted manuscript, we here at Random House don’t feel the timing is right to release the Brontosaurus Bondage Chronicles. We would, however, be interested in a children’s book adaptation if you would be willing to slightly alter Heather’s relationship to the story’s protagonist and throw in a few counting activities for good measure. 


While I find the content more than a little unsettling, I support these authors’ freedom to publish their works. That being said, if I worked in the legal department at PBS I would file a pre-emptive injunction against these ladies before they utilize Dinosaur Train in a whole different context.  


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