Friday, October 18, 2013

Do You Poop Enough?

While browsing the web last week I was presented with, what I felt to be, a rather impertinent question. A web page ad asked me if I “poop enough.” The question appeared next to a picture of what is either a snuggling ferret or an unfortunately-shaped bagel. Eager to discover whether or not the frequency of my bowel movements were cause for concern, I clicked the link and was taken to the Toxic Belly Bug Fix website.   
Apparently these nefarious microorganisms are responsible for everything from cancer to failed relationships. Fortunately, the site includes a list of risk factors associated with infection. You could be stricken if you have ever been exposed to the following:
  • Sugar
  • Antibiotics
  • Pollution
  • Toothpaste
  • Alcohol
  • Processed Foods

Clearly, my digestive system was on the brink of disaster so I navigated to the “symptoms list” to ascertain my level of infection. Symptoms of Toxic Belly Bug include, but are not limited to, the following:
  • Headaches
  • Skin Problems
  • Trouble Sleeping
  • Constipation
  • Diarrhea
  • Overall Sickness

Just as it appeared that all hope was lost, the site revealed that registered dietician (and VP of Research and Development at BioTrust Nutrition) Brett Hall had a solution. For $50 per bottle, I could receive doses of a pro-biotic supplements guaranteed to put an end to my lonely, sleepless nights spent fighting the squirts. It was almost too good to be true.
Brett Hall
Although I was unable to independently verify Brett’s credentials (or existence), he is referenced by a number of reputable websites like “” so there is little doubt concerning his legitimacy.Plus, how could you doubt the sincerity of anyone with a head-shot like that?

How many people fall for this? I can just imagine some poor soul saying to themselves, "What are the chances!? I use toothpaste AND experience occasional headaches!" Of course, the key term in all of this is "belly fat." They know full well that their target demographic is a self-conscious woman whose tireless struggle with her midsection has dramatically reduced her sales resistance.This product (and those like it) exist simply to exploit the superficiality they help create.

That being said, I must admire the marketing strategy and it has inspired me to launch my own pseudo-medical product. First I needed an appropriately horrifying ailment to cure. I have settled on “Parasitic Gastrointestinal Pneumonia" (or PCP for short). Its effects are as vague as they are devastating:
  • General Malaise
  • Chronic, Intermittent, or Occasional Physical Discomfort
  • Recurring hunger and/or thirst  
  • Sensitivity to light, heat, cold, or racism
  • Irregular sneezing
  • Fatigue associated with exhaustion

You may be at risk if you satisfy one or more of the following risk factors:

  • Biological parents with a history of sexual activity
  • Past consumption of sodium
  • Exposure to suspected carcinogens
  • Contact with carpeted surfaces
  • Family history of illness and/or death
Fortunately for the afflicted, they will be able to purchase my BioWeave Intestinal Drops with X5 Technology. Taken just twice daily two times each day, they can restore your vitality and mitigate the effects of PCP.

1 comment:

  1. With all the warnings on Facebook about your pictures being used without your knowledge, just think if some poor unsuspecting guy's photo was lifted to be used as the faux spokesperson for this company.


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