Saturday, January 16, 2010

Clairvoyance Is Your Friend

While glancing at the news this morning, I noticed a blurb that referenced the yearly prediction report from Psychic Source, America’s premier internet clairvoyance provider since 1989. Apparently (as an uncompensated service to humanity) they let us know each January what the next 12 months will bring so that we could prepare accordingly.
Intrigued, I found a copy of the report online and began scanning it to see what a multi-million dollar conglomerate of mediums, tarot readers, and “rune stone specialists” could slap together. Here are the highlights:
·         Oprah will enter the political arena in the spring.
·         Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will call it quits by the spring.
·         Upstate New York blanketed by a snowstorm later referred to as the "100-year storm."
·         Major earthquakes strike northern California and Mexico.
·         Three more years until the worst is over: the economy will continue its slow and sporadic comeback--although much changed--through the upcoming year.
Not exactly what I was hoping for, but I will go ahead and begin stockpiling bottled water and pinto beans just in case the Oprah prediction pans out. I did omit my favorite item on the list; that the Internet will grow “bigger in 2010 than ever before.”  And people are skeptical…….
Curious as to what other services provides, I took several minutes to peruse the site and familiarize myself with some of their offerings.
Angel Readings – according to the site, we all have angels that are with us at all times and this service allows the advisor to communicate with said angels. The site stresses that you do not have to be religious to talk to speak to your angel (just financially solvent.)
Crystal Readings – (unassociated with narcotics testing) This involves the psychic taking a special crystal and tossing it onto a flat surface until the positioning yields some insight into the client’s future. In corporate circles this is known as “paperweight tag.”
Rune Readings -   The advisor utilizes 25 distinct rune stones (likely from Sharper Image) that allows direct communication to the divine because they have “been used by ancient warriors as magical amulets in battle and by women in protection of their homes and children”
Astrology Readings – using advanced techniques pioneered by the Babylonians, your advisor can chart the motions of the planets in order to identify the most advantageous timing for career changes, family planning, or homicide.
Dream Interpretation – a trained “seer” will utilize the numbers of your birthday within a complex mathematical framework (slide ruler) to lead you to your true life’s path. It is strongly recommended that you keep a pen and paper next to your bed to accurately record your nocturnal visions and total up your massive credit card statement.
Each “advisor” has their own bio page where potential customers can learn about their specialties and view a headshot that was likely used in the promotional packet for an early 80’s adult film. As an example, let’s learn about Susan:

Her specialties include Dream Interpretation, Tarot Readings, and Energy Work. Her studies in Colorgenics help her to view your aura and examine how the colors surrounding you impact your life. She has 25 years of experience and has honed her skill through “study classes and spiritual guidance within meditation.”

Perhaps Bethany is more your speed. Her specialties include past life readings and psychic communication with house pets. Although she lacks the formal Colorgenics training possessed by Susan, she claims to be a 5th generation psychic and “tunes in to the energies of all living beings with ease.”

  As a new member you can have access to Bethany, Susan, or any number of the 100 or so interpreters for the rock bottom price of $1 a minute (some normally run around $5 a minute.) Since I was low on cash I decided to check my complimentary astrology reading courtesy of Psychic Source’s in-house expert Moira.
I was given the following divine guidance:
·         My ruling planet is Neptune
·         I am intuitive, emotional, mystical, romantic, and wishy-washy.
·         I share these characteristics with fellow Neptunists Liza Minelli & Jon Bon Jovi.
I was also specifically advised that my use of lies as a social lubricant has endangered some personal relationships which will lead to conflict. I should resolve this with the offended party by focusing on our similarities and not our differences.
Somewhat disappointed in the lack of firm direction and the blatant comparison to Liza Minelli, I decided to receive a second opinion; and what better place than
Their readings are much more detailed and broken down into categories:
General – I only have one friend properly equipped to give me advice on the specific problem that I am having and I should not hesitate to call them
Love – There is some conflict in my stars today that may lead to a lover’s quarrel
Career – “Mars is retrograde in your work zone, so don't put yourself under too much pressure or stress”
Money – “The conjunction of Mercury retrograde and Venus happens in the area of your chart associated with self-employment, so you may find that starting a new business now not only brings more meaning to your working life, but provides you with more money than you were earning for someone else”
Still disappointed in the ambiguity of my advice, and moderately concerned that I am heading toward a fight with my wife over my decision to invest in my own mall kiosk, I decided to take advantage of one of their more eclectic offerings: pet horoscopes.
After looking up the information on my dog Sandy, I was told that she will “boost your social calendar over the weekend, especially on Sunday.”
Still feeling rudderless, I utilize the newest feature on – Food Horoscopes! After entering my birthday I am given the following:
“Your red wine risotto is merely the prelude to fennel, porcini and chicken cacciatore, and mini molten chocolate cakes with mocha sauce on top.”
I am now fairly certain that my “lover’s quarrel” will begin after I complain that my wife’s “red wine risotto” is a tad arid when matched with her uninspired use of garnish.
All criticism aside, I think employment as a psychic might not be a bad career move. After all, $60 an hour isn’t bad and I think that I could come up with something on par with what I have been given. Here is my best shot:
Old foundations will be called into question by new acquaintances, but don’t worry because when Saturn passes into the realm of Ktulu you will get a fresh start. A new opportunity could present itself at work but may sever a chance to rekindle a forgotten flame. Reticence will not serve your causes this week so be bold in your decisions in order to facilitate avenues of progression.
Your lucky numbers are: 4, 78, 16, and 3 ½
Your colors of divination are: green and scorched periwinkle
Your motor oil is: Castrol GTX Synthetic Blend

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.