Saturday, January 30, 2010

Thoughts, Questions, & Musings


·         Are we really to believe that a professional athlete, whose very livelihood is inexorably linked to their level of physical health, was under the impression that the cloudy syringe they acquired in a Denny’s bathroom was a multi-vitamin? Did it look like Centrum Silver? Did you think that no one would notice the fact that you can suddenly bench-press a 2007 Ford Focus?

·         I am fully convinced that Hell will be equipped with a Kroger self-checkout kiosk that will continually inform you that “There is an unauthorized item in the bagging area.”

·         I cannot remember the last time I purchased a DVD that was not a “Special Edition.”

·         What exactly are essential oils and who designated them as such?

·         Once, while taking several purchases to my car from Wal-Mart, I dropped a bag of generic pillow stuffing in the parking lot. Unable to immediately retrieve the item, I placed my other purchases in my trunk and retraced my steps to recover said stuffing; but before I could get there a car pulls up beside my lost purchase and a man in his 20’s jumps out. He proceeds to grab my bag of stuffing, throw it into the back seat, and squeal away. Was this the big break he had been waiting for? Did he wake up that morning; raise his fist to the heavens and shout, “As God as my witness, this body will never come in contact with an inadequately-padded armchair again!”

·         The price of a restaurant’s entrees is directly proportional to the wattage of light bulbs in the dining area. The brighter the light, the cheaper the food…

·         It is possible to buy pickles that have no caloric value per serving, and since chewing burns calories, you would actually starve to death faster by eating a jar of these pickles than by not eating at all.

·         Why bother to give canned dog food elaborate names like “London Grill” or “Country Stew”, let’s dispense with the pleasantries and label them “Bovine Aftermath” or “Pork Collateral.”

·         I would love to receive a paycheck for naming car and truck clubs as it seems they always consist of two random words that juxtapose something desirable and undesirable like “Repulsive Seductions”, “Malicious Compassion”, or “Inadvertent Intentions.”

·         Isn’t it ironic that if you type the word “antonym” into Microsoft Word and ask it to suggest a synonym, it cannot think of anything?

·         Despite what the publicists tell us, celebrities have not and do not collapse from “exhaustion.” Farmers collapse from exhaustion, celebrities collapse from Xanax & Hennessy.

·         Why do restaurants think that it is appetizing to rhyme their entrees? Some of my personal favorites are Rooty Tooty Fresh N’ Fruity or Chocolate Thunder from Down Under. 

·         I truly believe that I could return an envelope full of weaponzied anthrax and Wal-Mart would issue me a store credit as long as I was able to produce a working phone number.

·         It seems that every time I go to the grocery, one of the items has been given a “New Look” or “Improved Packaging.” I have to wonder if altering the color scheme on a bag of corn chips will really change the way people feel about eating corn chips.

·         Why can’t the gas pump just tell me that it is out of paper before I stand there in the cold pressing the “yes” button just to have to walk inside like an idiot? 

·         I am a PC, and Windows 7 was the idea of a faceless multinational conglomerate still reeling from the unexpected backlash generated by their previous operating system.

·         I consciously avoid entrees that contain the words “explosion” , “ambush”, or have inappropriate punctuation (Salmon-pudding ambush explosion!!)

·         My brother-in-law lived on a street named “U” and the street sign included the quotation marks. This means that they were quoting from another sign and wished to avoid plagiarism.

·         Should we be worried that there are more people on death row in California than in the entire US House of Representatives and Senate combined? I wonder which group poses a greater danger to the general public……

·         Why does Pregnancy magazine offer a 1 year subscription when its subject matter covers a nine-month event?
There are thousands of different quizzes on Facebook, these are some of my favorites taken from the quiz page:
Is you a retard?– As offensive as it is pointless…
Are you Amish? – A person’s very presence on the Internet would seem to render this quiz unnecessary..
How stupid are you? – Promises to reveal your lack of intelligence in 20 questions or less
What is your hobo name? – As a bonus, it will also reveal “How homeless you are.”
Are you a sex offender? – Who would want to pass this?
Are You Cool? – I will make this easy. No you are not.
Do you know what my kitchen looks like? – This would not seem to require 15 questions to determine.
How will you die? – Probably at the computer if this quiz is any indication.

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