Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When a Man (Sort Of) Loves Woman

Five years ago, Lynn France flew to Italy with her fiancé John and they enjoyed a blissful wedding ceremony. In the years that followed the couple had two children together and settled into a beautiful home in Westlake, Ohio, where they planned to continue building their family.
Things began going south, however, when John began exhibiting the three W’s of marital infidelity:
·         Working Late
·         Weekend Trips
·         White Lies
Lynn began to suspect deception when he starting going on international business trips without his passport. She later followed him to a hotel where she found him with another woman who claimed to be his fiancé. The woman even informed Lynn that they were registered at Target (in case she wanted to get them a little something.) After Lynn confronted John, he claimed the whole thing was now over and they were never really going to get married anyway.
Feeling that her husband might not be completely honest with her, Lynn did what any self-respecting American does to gauge the health of their own marriage: she checked Facebook. After several minutes of searching she came across the Facebook page of the mistress that had been having “extracurricular contact” with her husband. She claims that it was just to make sure that she and John had actually broken things off.
Lynn did not have to look far, because the woman’s profile contained hundreds of photos from her 2008 wedding to Lynn’s current husband.  The ceremony had taken place at Disney World and apparently the couple had sprung for the “Bigamy Enchantment Package” as John was dressed as Prince Charming and his spare fiancé was dressed as Sleeping Beauty; both of them were surrounded by costumed employees of the park.
Understandable taken aback to discover that she had a tropical sister-wife, Lynn has filed for divorce and Florida authorities are investigating charges of bigamy against John. He has since taken the couple’s two children back with him to Florida and the couple is engaged in a bitter divorce and custody battle as John’s attorney claims that he and Lynn’s marriage in Italy was not real because of a “paperwork issue.”
  • John’s behavior has inspired me to pen a list of directives for men in his shoes:      If you are an unfaithful man who wishes to keep his second wife a secret, perhaps a costumed wedding at the world’s busiest amusement park should not be your first step. Might I suggest the “Mistress Ultimatum Package” from a local chapel instead? 
  •   If you are unable to steer your backup wife toward a low-key ceremony, the next step would be to make sure that she does not post 200 captioned photos of the event on her completely public Facebook profile.
  •  If you are unable to satisfy the first two requirements and your first wife discovers said indiscretions, I would advise against the “I didn’t think that we were really married” defense. This is just one step away from the marital amnesia defense “I remember now! I do have a wife and children!” 
  • If you find yourself unable to follow any of the previous directions and decide to go with the “I never believed we were really married defense,” you probably shouldn’t continue to file joint tax returns with your fake wife even after marrying your real one. It could pose a credibility issue later
John has since claimed that Lynn was aware of his Disney wedding when it occurred, and is feigning shock now as a publicity ploy. This implies that John broke the news to her ahead of time, and it took her two years to decide he might not be a good spouse. I can only imagine how the conversation went the day he left for Florida in 2008:
Lynn: “Why all the suitcases?”
John: “I told you honey, I have a seminar on integrated corporate synergy directives in Orlando.”
Lynn: “I thought you sold pool filters”
John: “Look, I don’t have time to get into this now or I will miss the keynote address on disambiguation of unspecific data aggregation.”
Lynn: “Why do you have a 3-pack of men’s tights, a scepter, and a family pass to the Magic Kingdom in your carry-on?”
John: “I didn’t want you to find out this way, but I there is no synergy conference. I am dressing up as Prince Charming and marrying the woman I told you I was not going to maintain contact with in a theme-wedding based on a beloved children’s fairy-tale.”
Lynn: “How am I supposed to trust you after this?”
John: “It doesn’t mean anything. I didn’t even spring for the pumpkin carriage rental…”
It also bothers me that Lynn took him at his word concerning the whole “my relationship with my mistress is not serious” thing. Let’s get real; there is no greater sign of emotional commitment that Target’s gift registry. Besides, I am not sure a man who doesn’t even have the presence of mind to take his passport on a fake international flight is that great a catch. All we can hope is that the kids get something close to a fairytale ending…..

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