Saturday, October 1, 2011

Rep Your Fetus

It has recently come to my attention that I missed yet another career opportunity: celebrity fetal representation. Why wait until your little A-list bundle of joy is post-natal before you secure their media image? Reality star Shayne Lamas is not taking any chances with the seven-month old fetus she plans to name “Press.” Lamas, who came to prominence after being chosen in season 12 of The Bachelor, later ditched her on-screen love for the founder of online celebrity gossip/unauthorized nudity site thedirty.com.
Shayne Lamas
The couple has reportedly been in talks with a celebrity management company named The Z Group, who has offered to represent the Lamas zygote even though it has not yet been born. The contract apparently grants the Z Group 15% of the child’s future entertainment business revenue. There has been no word yet on whether the parents have preemptively hired a private security firm to protect little “Press” from inevitable school yard beatings he/she will be subjected to.

Being unfamiliar with Shayne Lamas and hoping to understand her pioneering spirit, I did a little research and stumbled upon her personal website where I discovered the greatest celebrity bio ever. A few excerpts:

The vivacious, Latin blonde former star of “General Hospital” and an elite member of Hollywood royalty is more than just a pretty face. Born in Malibu, California Shayne is the middle of three children born with the talent gene. When she isn’t filming a new movie, dropping jaws on the red carpet or shooting her reality series, Lamas loves traveling to islands all over the world.

This Fall, she is set to star in her own E! Entertainment Network reality television program, “The Lamas Family,” continuing to captivate audiences across the nation with her versatile and talented background as an actress, designer and philanthropist. Camera crews will follow her gifted family of talented actors and musicians throughout their various ordeals and triumphs, led by Shayne herself. Shayne Dahl Lamas is Hollywood Royalty that is wearing the crowns of actress, fashionista, designer, humanitarian and star as the stunning lead in E!’s most buzzed about forthcoming series.

Her computer’s thesaurus function must have soiled itself halfway through typing up this masterpiece. If there was a drinking game where participants had to take a shot every time Lamas described herself as physically attractive, it would make Octoberfest look like an A.A. meeting in a Baptist sanctuary. And I believe that the term “elite member of Hollywood Royalty” may be pushing it a bit when IMDB lists your most well-known roles as “Volleyball Bikini Girl” and “Poker Babe #1.”
For those unconvinced of her starlet status, she elaborates on her legendary film roles:

In the Star Wars geek parody, FANBOYS¸ Lamas plays a gorgeous beauty who can’t help but taunt the geeks who pine after her.

ENDLESS BUMMER, out in theaters this summer, is another role that showcases Lamas’s beauty.

In all fairness, the parents-to-be may have inadvertently stumbled upon a goldmine of untapped revenue by giving their “talented” and “vivacious” offspring a leg-up on all those other celebrity children. While I may have missed the boat of fetal representation, I have identified other key pre-birth markets:
  • Embryonic Personal Trainers – “Because baby fat is for losers.”
  • Ultrasound Glamour Shots – “Because no one is putting a monochromatic picture of a lima bean on the cover of People.”
  • In-womb Plastic Surgery – “Because you know her emotionally-distant father will drive her to it eventually.”
  • Webcast Dilation Parties – “Because anything less than 4 centimeters is just filler.”
  • Louis Vuitton Forceps – “Nobody is bringing Angelina Jolie’s baby into this world with salad spoons from K-Mart.” 
  • Umbilical Cord Jewelry – “Where placenta meets platinum!”
  • Pre-Natal Criminal Defense – “Because the first domestic assault charge is always the hardest.”
  • Cervical Fung Shui – “Because a balanced uterus is a happy uterus.”
  • Botox Epidurals – “Because stretch marks are for poor people.”

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