Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Nicolas Cage & Vampires


A few weeks ago, a Seattle man identifying himself as Jack Mord opened an interesting auction on e-Bay. He claims to be in possession of evidence that actor Nicolas Cage is a vampire “who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so.” His proof is in the form of a Civil War-era photo of an unidentified man that Mord claims is Cage. He is asking $1 million for the photo which was apparently taken by photographer G.B. Smith. For the skeptical, Mord elaborates on his theory:


"My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die' ... but in reality, the undead vampire 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.”

Sadly, the auction was removed shortly after its posting and so far no one has been able to definitively authenticate Cage’s undead status. It is interesting to note that the seller believes that once Cage reinvents himself, his career choices will be limited to a politician, a cult leader, or a talk show host. It is comforting to know that my great-grandchildren will have such prestigious vocations to choose from.

A soulless, blood-sucking politician would not necessarily stand out and all those Team Edward shirts would finally have some subtle political undertones. Plus, I have always wondered where a nomadic, eternal being would fall on immigration reform. A cult leader is not a bad gig and the lack of health insurance wouldn’t trouble someone cursed to walk the Earth until Armageddon so I suppose I could see that. Talk show hosting would be tricky, especially when you give away bags of plasma every year during your “my favorite things” episode. 

I suppose we should all be thankful that acting isn’t still in the mix. If Cage has already had 200 years to practice his current craft, you would think that Ghost Rider would have been a better movie. Although, his lack of a human soul could easily explain his inability to project emotion on screen.

I have never really understood our cultural fascination with vampires. Personally, I blame Twilight for the sorry state of vampirism today. Here we have a blood-borne pathogen that enters the body through aggravated assault and leaves the victim unable to produce their own hemoglobin. Yet the movie indicates that the only side-effects are financial stability, serial monogamy, and solar-activated skin glitter. I suppose the only real upside is being eternal which would presumably grant you unparalleled wisdom and perspective. With that in mind, let’s look at the decisions that Mr. Cage has made in his current incarnation:

  • On August 10, 2002 he married Lisa Marie Presley. They had filed for divorce by Thanksgiving.
  • In 2004, he married Alice Kim who he met while visiting a Korean nightclub she worked at. He named their son Kal-El after Superman’s real name.
  • In 2009, The I.R.S. filed against him for more than $6 million in unpaid taxes from 2007. Like any respectable celebrity, he promptly sued his business manager for $20 million.
  • His business manager immediately counter-sued him alleging that Nicolas Cage spent more money than he made. Items Cage purchase include nine Rolls Royces, a fleet of yachts, and the fossilized skull of a Tarbosaurus.
  • Once the two preceding lawsuits were filed, Cage was then sued by the mother of his eldest son Weston for $13 million. She claims that Cage was supposed to pay for her house in exchange for raising their son (who checked into rehab for the second time in 2010 after a domestic violence charge).
  • Just a few weeks ago, Cage revealed that while he was living in Orange County he awoke to see a naked man standing at the foot of his bed holding a fudge popsicle. He decided not to file charges but quickly sold his home.
If going bankrupt over a dinosaur, naming your children after comic book characters, and waking up to some intruder’s Klondike Bar is what two centuries of accumulated living have to offer, you can count me out. The plus side is that apparently vampires will spend so much time fighting off government litigation and ex-wives that they will be unable to organize a rebellion against humanity and enslave us for food (a la Daybreakers). It would appear that not even garlic and crucifixes can strike fear into the hearts of the damned like an out-of-court settlement.

In all seriousness, this is probably nothing more than a Photoshopped hoax and I have already spent too much time on it. However, I reserve the right to freak out if a 150-year-old picture of Keith Richards surfaces any time soon…. 

*Author's note: I would like to remind all readers that the opinions expressed, specifically concerning Twilight, do not reflect those of the author's wife.

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