Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Things I am Tired of Seeing


People posting photos online and then adding a caption that reads “No words needed.” -  Doesn’t the fact that you feel it necessary to point that out to people undermine the message it conveys? 

Ill-maintained, primer-covered vehicles adorned with large decals announcing membership in a car club. – If I am looking for an organization that oozes vehicular pride, I am not sure a quad-tone S-10 with mismatched tires is the best recruiting tool.

Television ads for movies so terrible that they have resorted to scouring unverifiable sources or taking bad reviews out of context –

“The greatest vegetarian-themed Canadian horror film of the summer!” – Chet Farkle Soda Springs Episcopalian Penny Saver

“[I hope to God] there will never be another movie like this one!” – Rolling Stone

Unnecessarily-elaborate mailers for car dealerships – I do not understand how providing me with a fake key or asking me to scratch off a 12-digit code and match it with a farm animal would influence my decision to purchase a Dodge Crew-Cab. One even came in a counterfeit FedEx envelope using the same colors and fonts except it said “Priority Expedited.” I think the illusion is shattered when “Bulk Rate” is stamped on the front.

Complicated sizing for men’s jeans – When I walk into an Old Navy , I just want a denim article with two numbers clearly labeled on the front. Now I have to be cognizant of whether or not I want “retro slim fit” or “Moroccan whisper-cut.” I just want a pair of pants tight enough to remain in position with minimal intervention but loose enough to prevent testicular distress should I chose to sit on a park bench.

Eateries not sure when to proudly display their restaurant scorecard – If you received a 98, then by all means drop that bad-boy in an illuminated shadow-box and keep it at the register. A 77 you might want in an inconspicuous tinted-frame beside the Fanta dispenser.

Stingy Hotel Internet Access – How is it that the more I pay for a room, the less likely I am to be provided with complimentary wireless? The place has a Norwegian day spa and a 2-story lobby waterfall but they can’t absorb a couple of Linksys routers and a monthly fee?

On a side note, I saw a hotel the other day still advertising “in room telephones” as an amenity. Do they really believe someone is going to see their sign and pull over? To be fair, if I were to stay at that place it might be comforting to know that I had the landline as a backup in case my cell phone lost reception during the meth-tweaker break-in that night.

The intersection of commerce and the Facebook “Like” Button – Every single entrepreneurial venture I come into contact with wants me to like them on Facebook. Just because I utilize your automatic car wash does not mean I need to “like” it, sometimes I go there because it is on the way home. I reserve my “like” button for important things like the birth of a child or nacho coupons.

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