Wednesday, August 15, 2012


When Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets in 2009 she captured the world’s attention. Only the second woman to give birth to octuplets in the US (and the first where all 8 survived longer than a week) it seemed to be a miracle. Of course, this elation lasted only briefly once the press realized she was already a mother of six who had been artificially inseminated by a now disbarred physician while receiving public assistance.
Apparently, Miss Suleman had been injured during a 1999 riot while working as a psychiatric technician at Metropolitan State Hospital in Norwalk, California. She received $168,000 between 2000 and 2008 and has reportedly been on and off welfare since then. Determined to support herself, Nadya has attempted a number of careers including:
  • Traveling Stripper
  • Professional Oprah Winfrey Guest
  • Starring in Adult Films With Unnervingly-Specific Themes
  • Posing Topless for British Magazines With Low Circulation Numbers
  • Online Panhandling
Her latest foray is dating for money through What’, a website whose commitment to meaningful emotional bonding is surpassed only by its design aesthetics. For $500 you can take “Octomom” on romantic evening and learn all about woman attached to the uterus has captured the attention of a nation. Many have criticized her asking price as being too high, but to be fair finding a babysitter for 14 children probably eats into her profit margin (plus if she were to drop them off at a friend’s house it would have to be temporarily rezoned as a childcare facility).

Despite myself I feel sorry for this woman, because other than repopulation she does not seem to have any clear goals in mind. She knew she wanted her own offspring militia; she just had not worked out the semantics of feeding them all.

Much has been made of her disability claim, but without knowing more details it is hard to make that call. I imagine that it is entirely possible to sustain a debilitating injury during a violent riot at a mental hospital, but it is curious that after 8 years it had healed enough to allow her to pole dance for singles. The welfare money is more troubling since she is receiving government assistance for children she paid handsomely to bear. In some ways this would be akin to purchasing a Ferrari and then panhandling for the gas.  

On the bright side, she has an upcoming dance single that was co-written with Adam Barta called “Sexy Party”. The idea is to jumpstart her music career thereby restoring her self-sufficiency. Although the lyrics have not yet been released, I have taken the liberty to speculate:

Adam's Verse
Baby, I can already tell
That you’ve got what I need
Obvious financial desperation
And 14 mouths to feed
How ‘bout we take this back to my place
And see just what happens
Cause in just 9 more months
 I’ll be timing your contractions
Baby don’t get so depressed
When they hatin’ on your fertility
I just want to make your dependents
Divisible by three

Octomom’s Verse
Boy, I recognize that look in your eyes
And what you want to do
I ain’t been this close to a man
Since I last held a test-tube.
I hope you got a steady job
And your coverage is paid in full
Cause tonight I’m lookin’ to satisfy
More than my deducible
Maybe you can walk me back
To my Ford Econoline Van
You’d look real fine in the captain’s chair
You and me holdin’ hands

Girl you got it going on
You steady on my mind
Put them 14 kids to bed
Cause it’s sexy party time!
Pass me some more of that Pedialite
And leave your cares behind
Nobody judges a single mom
When it’s sexy party time!

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