The Exxon Prophet

 

I recently pulled up to an Exxon station and noticed a CD taped to the gas pump I was attempting to use. It was in a clear protective case and the label indicated that it contained both audio and an electronic book called “Understanding Eternity” by someone identified only as “David, the Lord’s servant.”

Upon returning home I placed the disc in my laptop, double-clicked it, and fully expected my e-mail account to start sending Canadian porn to everyone in my address book. Instead, I was subjected to a voice of such indescribable resonance and timbre that I felt compelled to post an audio sample. I have never heard someone’s speech modulate so wildly during the course of a single sentence. It is almost as if he is reading a children’s book, but remains unsure of whether or not the audience plans to disembowel him at its conclusion.

Curious as to whom this fascinating individual was, I checked the data tag on the electronic book (better known as a Microsoft Word Document) and determined that his last name was Neal and he had authored his sermon on a Hewlett-Packard. After a quick Google search, I was directed to libertytothecaptives.net where I discovered an impressive cache of his essays. Even more delightful, was the site itself which featured articles like The Dangers of Christian Message Boards and Prayer Circles: Straight Out of Witchcraft (your move N.W.A.).

The “About Us” page credits the site’s existence to ex-Baptists Gary & Lisa Ruby, who apparently had an unpleasant experience at Plainville Baptist Church in Plainville, MA. According to The Rubys, Plainville Church was founded by “a family of multi-generational black-magic witches” and uses “mind control techniques” on children while “placing implants in them.”  The congregation seems to have a rather aggressive member retention policy as Lisa is convinced that after leaving the church “Luciferian witches” sent “evil spirits” to afflict her and her husband.

I located the alleged coven’s website, but none of their upcoming events listed a pre-teen black mass or the satanic toddler hour. On the other hand they did seem a little heavy-handed with the “nursery provided” tag when service times were listed. To be fair, I imagine newborn warlock implants is a topic best broached after the new member potluck and not on the website.   

A few of the articles were labeled adults only and contained frank discussions of human sexuality. One article entitled The Marriage Bed: License for Sodomy, insisted that any form of oral copulation (even amongst married heterosexuals) was a “vile affectation” and deviated from “the natural use of the woman.” Another article warns that “Satan especially "rewards" those who engage in Tantra-inspired sex worship (oral congress).” This would of course explain the longevity of Sting’s career.

It appears that the only thing Gary and Ruby despise more than mouth lovin’ is witchcraft; which is apparently rampant in the following places:

• Harry Potter Novels
• Third editions of the Scofield Study Bible
• Yoga
• The marketing of essential oils
• Michael W. Smith’s Christmas album
• The Left Behind series
• The Playstation 2 game Forever Kingdom
• Late 90’s Amy Grant concert footage

There was also an article entitled “Mocking God for Fun and Profit” which turned out not to be a study-at-home course but a scathing rebuke of the website reverendfun.com which features Christianity-themed cartoons. I followed several links to examples of “blasphemy,” but found only tepid Biblical humor and one pretty solid joke featuring Satan on a first date.

While the Ruby’s strike me as rather alarmist, I suppose it is possible that I need to leaf back through my collection of Carmen and Ray Boltz albums to make sure I haven’t overlooked any runes in the cover art. It is unclear whether The Ruby’s are attempting to create their own church, but with strict rules against movies, video games, and fellatio I have no doubt potential congregants are in for a good time.