Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Horror & Home-ownership



Having recently watched a few horror movies (Paranormal Activity, Insidious, Sinister, etc..) it has occurred to me that a disturbing pattern has emerged. Primarily, that home-ownership lends itself to demonic possession. For whatever reason, dark spiritual forces are attracted to American mortgage holders while transient citizens with no equity benefit from “renter’s immunity.” As a homeowner, I find this to be offensive. If you have never toured a moderately-priced apartment complex you don’t know the definition of uneasiness and foreboding. Maybe I am reading too much into these productions, but it is almost as if the American dream itself is under attack.

Furthermore, the current movie trend indicates that the poorly illuminated attic has replaced the poorly illuminated basement as the popular staging area of choice for nefarious supernatural encounters. As a mortgage holder with overhead storage, I can assure you that the most frightening aspect of a dimly lit attic the opportunity to miss a beam and put your foot through the sheetrock. 

That is not to say that discovering a trunk of Native American snuff films or the remnants of a gypsy garage sale wouldn’t be disconcerting; it is simply the acknowledgement that such a discovery would be far more interesting than racking myself on a support beam and making a trip to Lowes.

It would also appear that the homeowner’s association in all of these films prohibits the use of light-bulbs in excess of 40 watts since the characters spend most of the film squinting or utilizing underpowered flashlights. For all the money the owners spend on priests and paranormal investigation they could have purchased a few torch lamps from K-mart and saved themselves a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

While I am on the subject, how is it possible to walk into a dark room and not automatically reach for the light switch? It is an involuntary motion for anyone born since the Great Depression. The muscle memory is so ingrained I can’t even stop myself from doing it when I know the electricity is out. Levitating flatware or not, when I walk into a dark room, I reach around for a light switch. 

On a side note, there was a scene from Sinister that I wished they had filmed. I always hope these movies would include the dialogue between the main protagonist and the realtor who just received the most surprising phone call of their career.

Realtor – Hello?
Buyer – Yes, I was interested in the scene of the grisly triple homicide/unsolved child abduction. I noticed that the price was recently reduced and I had a question concerning the school zoning.
Realtor – Uh…sure….let me just get my notes here. It is just a few miles from a wonderful charter school, one of the best in this part of the state.
Buyer – Do you think they would have any openings?
Realtor – I would venture to guess they have at least one…..
Buyer – What about the kitchen? From the photos it looks a little outdated.
Realtor – I know the previous owners had plans to renovate, but those fell by the wayside when they were brutally executed on the sun porch. On the plus side, the master bedroom has a spacious on-suite!

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