Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Gay Bands

I was recently searching for information on a band when I stumbled upon the website of Donnie Davies. Mr. Davies is a self-proclaimed “reformed homosexual” and “Christian youth expert” who developed a program to cure people of same-sex tendencies. His program is called C.H.O.P.S. (Changing Homosexuals into Ordinary People), and is a multi-tiered approach to “C.H.O.P.S. away the Gay” in your life. 
I found his site interesting because one of the most important aspects of the CHOPS program to prevent your child from being exposed to “gay bands.” I will let Donnie explain why:

There are multiple levels of Gay Music.  Some bands are what we like to call Gateway Bands.  They lure children in with Pop Grooves and Salacious Melodies leaving them wanting more.  They’ll move on to more dangerous bands and the next thing you know you’ve got a homosexual for a child.

We’ve taken the time to highlight the bands that are particularly Gay.  Please take the time and dissect your child’s CD / iTunes catalog. If you find 3 or more of these bands in their collection it is time to take action.

So which secular music acts should strike fear into the heart of Christian parents? The list was as extensive as it was eclectic, so I have highlighted some of the more peculiar entries here:

Lil’ Wayne – (had the distinction of being listed twice)
Toby Keith
George Strait
Bob Dylan
Frank Sinatra
Ted Nugent
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Cannibal Corpse
Ghostface Killah
The Doors       
The Rolling Stones

There was even an entry in the list of bands that just said “black people”, which is either an extremely underground band that Google is unaware of or the site’s author is racist. I also failed to discern a pattern as to what qualified a band as gay. For instance, Audioslave is listed as gay but Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine did not make the list even though Audioslave was comprised exclusively of the remnants of those two groups. Ghostface Killah makes the list, but the remaining Wu-Tang Clan brethren are conspicuously absent. Occasionally, the entries appeared with a brief explanation in parenthesis. Elton John’s name had “really gay” beside it. It is unclear whether this is meant to inform the reader of his stated orientation or to indicate that even amongst gay men he is disproportionately homosexual.  

The site did not provide any scientific basis for the Ted Nugent = Gay Child hypothesis and WebMD did not list spontaneous same-sex attraction as a complication of Cat Scratch Fever, so I will continue on the assumption that this theory is based purely on conjecture.  Despite developing a friendship with several openly-gay adults, I cannot recall any of their life stories containing a chapter that began:

"So there I was an all-America God-fearing heterosexual male until I turned 17 and heard “Dust in the Wind” on the radio. The next thing I know, I am shacked up with some dude named Miguel and updating a Richard Dawkins fan-page from my exquisitely furnished timeshare in Miami."

If you discover any of the aforementioned “gay bands” in your child’s collection there is only one course of action:

We Strongly recommend that you burn the CDs.  Make sure your child is watching.  Make sure they can feel the heat. It is crucial that the image remains emblazoned in their young minds. They need to know that if they continue to listen to these bands they may Burn eternally as well

Far be it from me to criticize someone who spends their spare time generating acronyms with silent letters, but how exactly does setting fire to a compact disc reverse the effects of hearing it? Not to mention the impracticality of such a gesture in an era of smartphones and Spotify. I don’t care how committed you are to raising a heterosexual child; no one can afford to symbolically-burn an iPhone without an upgrade credit.  

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