Thursday, October 2, 2014

Random Thoughts Part 6




  • While traveling, I found myself behind a car with an interesting bumper sticker. It read as follows, “I Support Breast Cancer.” Taken at its word, this vehicular accoutrement would seem to indicate that the driver was pro-cancer and passionately so when that cancer affected the mammary glands. To be fair, there was a small pink ribbon in the corner but I would argue that clip-art is no substitute for coherent phrasing.
  • Why does it seem like the least sanitary public bathrooms are the ones that prominently display a “This Restroom Has Been Cleaned and Inspected” sign-in sheet? Invariably, these sanitation logs are adorned with a solitary initial entry when optimism was at an all-time high and phallic graffiti was at an all-time low. If you need paperwork to convince patrons that you clean the men’s room, you aren’t doing it often enough.
  • Does anyone else have mixed emotions concerning Chick-Fil-A’s use of the term “my pleasure”? I realize it is intended to convey the employee’s overwhelming desire to put the customer first, but depending on the inflection of the person’s voice it can come across as anything from there’s-no-place-I-would- rather-be chipper  to 50-shades-of-waffle-fries suggestive. Just give me the correct order in a timely fashion without any hostility and I will place that visit in the “win” column.
  • Can we all just agree that “Convert or Die” is the worst motto ever? It is just as unhelpful when applied to religion as it would be applied to the metric system. If your worldview requires violent coercion to gain popularity, there is probably a reason.
  • There must be a solution to the problem of innocent children being left in sweltering cars while their parents run errands. Perhaps car-seats could come with a sensor that detected both the presence of a child and the ambient temperature so that when certain conditions were met (child in seat, temp > 80 degrees) the roof is blown off the vehicle, the child is ejected, and floats safely back to Earth courtesy of a parachute featuring the words “I Was Too Inconvenient To Take Inside.”
  • Why do the proprietors of erotic novelty stores along the Interstate continue to refer to their establishments as “Adult Bookstores”? Are a large number of truckers wandering in to peruse the selection of thematically-advanced literature?  Just once I would like to wander in, feign confusion, and then ask the clerk where the Cormac McCarthy novels were located.  
  • I once walked into a restaurant and requested a table for “two and a high chair.” This was met with a look of consternation on the part of the hostess who replied, “So three people?” I patiently explained that there were two adults and a 15 month old child who would need a high chair. She responded that their policy was to consider toddlers “people” and therefore I would be placed on the list as a party of three. Unsure why my appeal for a table had transformed into a debate on personhood, I countered that I did not intend to diminish my child’s value as a human being I just wished to convey that we would need a high chair because he is the size of an Oompa-Loompa and tended to wander. She instructed me that next time I could save myself considerable time by just requesting a table for three. If I see her again, I will tell her that I need a table for two adults and one quasi-humanoid.  

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