Marketing is your Friend

Marketing has fascinated me since the day I read an article describing the systematically drawn characters on a cereal box. The next time you are walking down the cereal aisle, pay very close attention to the eyes of Tony the Tiger and the pupils of the rabbit on the Trix cereal box. Have you ever noticed how they both seem to be looking down instead of straight ahead? The reason is that the marketing executives at General Mills and Kellogg’s have invested countless hours (and countless dollars) to discover that their sales increase dramatically if the cartoon characters make eye contact with your child instead of you.

This may seem like a trivial detail, but in an industry that generates upward of 9 billion dollars annually, I can assure you that no square inch of your cereal box is left up to chance. However, even with all the scrutiny breakfast cereals are subjected to they are not immune from marketing misfires. Case in point, the next time you are shopping for cereal at Kroger make sure and pick up a box of “Nutty Nuggets.”

While the packaging of products is fascinating, nothing compares to the sheer creativity associated with inventing or misallocating words for a television commercial. Over the past two months, I have catalogued the following nonsense phrases used in real television ads:

“Microburst technology” – Could this be a breakthrough in computer processor multi-threading? An exciting new approach to reducing greenhouse gas emissions? Actually, I caught this on a commercial for toothpaste. I assume it was meant to convey the invigoration one experiences when using their product. This is unfortunate since a microburst is a rare, but often deadly meteorological phenomenon consisting of a concentrated column of sinking air. Microbursts are especially troublesome to low altitude aircraft, such as PanAm flight 759 whose crash claimed the lives of 152 people, and a microburst was most recently was blamed for the May 2, 2009 collapse of the Dallas Cowboys practice facility. So the next time you feel some dental upkeep is in order, put a little aviation tragedy on your toothbrush and get those molars clean.

“Crystalline freshness” – Street name for a meth dealer? Title of an early 90’s Jay-Z underground mixtape? Guess again, it is the secret ingredient in Fresh Step Kitty Litter that allows it to effectively trap the offensive odors from your cat’s “party biscuits.” Since the manufacturer alludes to “odor crystals” as part of the formula, I would assume that they were searching for a way to attribute the freshness of their product to the presence of these magical crystals. However, the phrase literally means “of a translucently unsoiled nature” so perhaps the idea is that if you cannot see the feces, you cannot smell the feces.

“Youth Activating Concentrate” – A codename for PCP? A groundbreaking teenage philanthropic endeavor? This mystery substance is the key component of a new face cream. According to Lancôme, they have spent ten years of research and groundbreaking in-vitro genetic testing to ensure that your skin is “infused with life.” Genifique is the first and only anti-aging product to offer an ingredient that doesn’t actually exist and apply for seven different patents to protect it. In situations like this I always envision the scenario where the lead geneticist goes home for the holidays and the following conversation take place over a large plate of ham:

Uncle – “What was it that you have dedicated a decade of your career to? Eliminating the scourge of multiple sclerosis? Ending HIV’s reign of terror over humanity? Putting pancreatic cancer in its place?”

Geneticist – “Defeating crow’s feet.”

Uncle – “We all have our calling…”

“Serum Pearls” – Is this a new synthetic anti-coagulant? The pseudonym used by an author of romantic novels? This is the secret ingredient in Softsoap’s Nutri-Serum body wash. According the product’s website, the presence of these serum pearls allows you to “surprise your skin.” Of course, a third degree burn would be a pretty big surprise to your skin as well, but probably not as easy to market. Softsoap is banking on the idea that their customer base will pay extra to find a foreign object floating in their body wash.

“Dynamic Inertia Technology” – Is this a safety feature on the 2010 Mercedes E-Class Sedan? An aeronautic breakthrough that allows the shuttle to reach escape velocity in 30% less time? Actually it is what makes the Shake Weight™ so effective against “jiggle arm.” If you have not yet seen the infomercial for this triceps transforming wonder, it is a dumbbell that you hold in your hands and gyrate back and forth until you have vanquished all of your unsightly arm-fat.

This particular phrase is a shining example of how to juxtapose words into an impressive (yet uninformative) sequence of nonsense. Taken literally, dynamic inertia technology means “the application of a continuously changing property of matter in regards to uniform motion.” While confusing, this is much more scientific than admitting the device relies on “a big spring.”

This is only a sampling, but I have noticed a distinct pattern for marketing success when it comes to phrasing and sequencing:

· Always begin your marketing phrase with the words nano, micro, dynamic, or infused as these words tend to evoke a sense of confusion and awe.

· Immediately follow these phrases with words that are academically unverifiable but loosely related to the product’s intended use, such as nutritional extract, biotic enhancement, or friction particulates.

· Bookend the phrase with the word technology as this reassures the intended customer that their unfamiliarity with your nonsense word is due to its cutting-edge progressive nature and not the fact that you fabricated it out of a desire to separate them from their paycheck .

For instance if I was selling motor oil, I would inform the customer that my new synthetic blend contained “nano friction particulate technology” and that the absence of this unique additive in my competitor’s motor oil endangered their customer’s engine.

CBS Cares (Perhaps more than they should...)

I was watching television the other night and caught one of the heartwarming “CBS Cares” public service announcements. This particular clip featured renowned thespian Chris Beetem, who most recently appeared as Dr. Ethan Copeland on One Tree Hill, dispensing advice to men who are unable to locate the perfect gift for a recipient of the “fairer sex.”

As any embellishment on my part would only detract from the humor, I will instead publish this verbatim transcript of the 17 second TV spot:

“Want to do something special for your woman this Christmas? Schedule a pap smear. Pap smears save lives. Give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.”

As if this wasn’t cringe inducing enough, Mr. Beetem recorded an alternate version that replaced the last line with:

“Give her the gift that says, it’s what’s inside that counts”

While I have no qualms about taking medical advice from a man who possesses such impressive television credentials, I began to wonder how my wife would react on Christmas morning as she emptied her stocking to find a pre-paid voucher for an invasive gynecological exam in place of the usual bottle of perfume.

To be fair to CBS, they also have a series of PSAs that encourage women to schedule prostate exams for their male companions in order to demonstrate that they “love all of them.”

Not to exclude our Jewish friends, there is a companion ad for Hanukkah that encourages women to make sure that their man’s prostate is “kosher.”

I am not opposed to the idea of preventative screening, just the idea of preventive screening as a Christmas present. If anyone has / or plans to implement this type of gift structure in their own lives I would love to know how it worked out…..

Suggestive Selling & You

Only two things separate us from the animals: suggestive selling, and the ability to produce reality television shows. While the later is ripe for conversation, today I wish to focus on the former.

Scenario A – My wife and I are at Books-A-Million purchasing some Christmas gifts, after several minutes in line, we approach a matronly female cashier who looked as though she had seen thirtieth birthday during the Eisenhower administration. We exchanged pleasantries, and as I handed her our items she asked if I was a member of their frequent shopper reward program. I replied that I was not, and did not feel that joining would be beneficial to me because of the membership fee. Undaunted by my initial refusal, she continued her sales pitch by pointing out that it would save me 10% right now and continue to provide valuable savings over the next twelve months. I reiterated that I was not interested in becoming a member and she digested this information with the same blank expression I would have expected if I had walked up the counter and requested she murder someone.

Apparently convinced that my reluctance to join was based on a lack of cognitive reasoning on my part, she feigned a look of surprise and informed me that she had almost forgotten that today only the discount was 20%. Locking eyes with me she said, “Can you honestly tell me that you are going to turn down 20% off?” At this point I had become so irritated that I wouldn’t have joined even if the membership was free and entitled me to stock options in the company. I again told her that I was not interested in joining the program and I did not need the 20% off. Incredulous, she began scanning my items and tersely replied, “Must be nice.” I spent the rest of the transaction trying to remember if her age would entitle her to prosecute me under a hate-crime enhancement if we threw down.

Scenario B – Several Christmases ago, I walked into a Victoria’s Secret in order to purchase a gift for my wife. Now there are generally three types of men in a Victoria’s Secret:

1. Those who are accompanying their female companion in order to provide a second opinion. These are by far the most cheerful, and it is seen as a badge of honor if spotted by our buddies.

2. Those who are purchasing a gift for our female companion and are alone.

3. Those who are there because there are a lot of panties, but pretend they are shopping for a female companion.

Now, the first situation is obvious to both the staff and other shoppers, but the later two situations are much more difficult to differentiate, and unfortunately the mannerisms of the individuals tend to be the same in both situations:

· Skittish, nervous behavior

· A look of awe-struck confusion coupled with dilated pupils

· Indecisiveness

Although I was there to purchase a gift for my wife, I was fairly certain that is the exact story I would go with if I was just there for the panties. It was for this reason I decided to conduct my shopping as one would execute a well orchestrated bank robbery: fast and with as few witnesses as possible. My list included some perfume, a pair of pajama pants, and yes - several pairs of panties. I quickly gathered the pajama pants to utilize as a makeshift “pervert buffer” under which I could place the panties (it was a 5 for $20 sale). I made my way over to the sale table and was gradually able to work my way into the undergarment melee that was occurring there. About the time I was forearm deep in knickers; a sales associate approached me and asked if “I was finding the sizes that I needed.” I immediately overreacted and blurted out “These are not for me,” instantly realizing that I was quoting the pervert survival guide verbatim. She eyed me warily and replied that she could check for other styles and sizes in the back if I was unable to locate the desired merchandise.

I quickly chose the remaining items to fulfill my five purchases and made my way to the counter before mall security had time to mobilize. Much to my chagrin several other customers were in line to finalize their purchase, so I found myself gripping a handful of multi-colored woman’s underwear in full view of the mall concourse for several minutes. I was fairly certain a co-worker would pass by any second.

When I finally arrived at the register, I sat down my items and began to retrieve my wallet to facilitate what I hoped to be an expeditious transaction. Unfortunately, I hadn’t counted on the tenacity of my cashier when it came to signing up customers for the Victoria’s Secret “Angel Card.” After her initial pitch (and my initial refusal) she began explaining to me that after it was all said and done, I would be entitled to the equivalent of two free bio-fit bras over the next several months. The most frustrating part of the encounter was that she was not using our discussion time to actually tally up my purchase. I finally told her that despite appearances, my forays into their den of naughty cotton were few and far between and I was not likely to use the card any time soon. Accepting defeat, she silently scanned the items and placed them in a bag. I have not yet re-entered that location unchaperoned.

While high pressure suggestive selling in retail may seem intimidating, it doesn’t hold a candle to what occurs once you are seated at a restaurant. Gone are the days where you will be asked what you like to drink, instead your server will pose the question this way, “Can I get you a refreshing raspberry-banana English pea shooter?” This is a technique recommended by the National Restaurant Association (the other NRA) to facilitate the purchase of expensive beverages. This is customarily followed by your server recommending an appetizer, “Do we want to start off with the Hungarian cheese clams or a Turkish lard sphere?”

My favorite is when I go into a chain restaurant and the server looks at me gravely and asks, “Is this your first time dinning with us?” as if my inexperience with their establishment’s protocol could endanger the other patrons. Do the forks work differently here? Do you only accept Russian currency? Have you rejected the established framework for every other chain restaurant located in the United States of America?

The practice of suggestive selling is brought to its absolute apex when it is time for dessert. A customer could be doubled over in dry heaves and the server will cheerily ask “Did we save room for a Belgium Fudge Power Tower or a Banana Float Gut Barge?” I almost feel embarrassed to say that I am full.

Please do not misunderstand me, I have worked both retail and food service and understand that the employees would just as soon not ask if they were not being forced to. I just hope that one day we can build a utopian society where man needs not to fear declining the offer of a licorice bookmark or discount card. After all, isn’t that what our forefathers had in mind?

Tiger Woods: Lesson of the Week

Lately we have been inundated by the plight of golfer Tiger Woods, whose late night Escalade adventures quickly snowballed into allegations of widespread infidelity that border on “mistress whack-a-mole.”

I use Tiger Woods not because he is a terrible person, but because he publicly exemplified one of the reasons that guys are very stupid.

You are a young man and God looks down on you and says, “What do you want me to give you to make you happy?”

You quickly answer, “I want a blonde Swedish bikini-model to be my wife”

God says “Done!”

Then you say, “I hate to push my luck, but could I also be sinfully wealthy in order to pamper said Sweedish model?”

God says “No Problem!”

You continue, “Would it also be possible for me to make all of this money by playing golf instead of working long hours or risking my own investment capital?”

God says, “You got it!”

You forge ahead, “Could my conjugal relations with my wife produce two beautiful children on whom I could lavish the finer things in life?”

God replies “Why not!”

A few years pass and God checks up on you to see how things are progressing. You two are sitting on the porch drinking a delicious Snapple and you look to God and say: “The money, wife, kids, and career are wonderful; but would it also be possible for me to have secret hotel sex with a cocktail waitress I met a few weeks ago? “

God proceeds to choke on his bottle of Mango Madness, and after regaining his composure answers “Why do you want that?”

And you answer, “Because I don’t have it....”