Tila Tequila: One Classy Dame

When one thinks of modesty, grace, and feminine understatement there is but one name that rises above all others. Born Tila Nguyễn, the French Vietnamese starlet is world renowned for her ability to inspire joy, hope, and wonder. Whether it is through the heartfelt prose of her comically over-titled self-help book Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success, and Being the Life of the Party or the delicate undercurrent of a pending emotional apocalypse on songs like Stripper Friends or I F****d the DJ, Tila embodies the modern woman in a manner inaccessible to the fainthearted.

The first glimmer of greater things came when Tila was eighteen and she was discovered by a Playboy talent scout in a Houston Mall. Shortly thereafter she became a staple in journalistic mainstays like Penthouse and Maxim which led to her own MTV Reality Dating Show called A Shot at Love. The premise was fairly routine, a small group of self-involved contestants would compete for the affection of an even more self-involved individual all while nurturing their own meager attempts at notoriety. The twist was that Tila is a self-proclaimed bi-sexual and her potential mates represented both genders.

Wishing to pursue her love of music and poetry, Miss Tequila began releasing music through digital retailers. In her music she confronts all of the trappings of a sophisticated young woman:

Jealousy (as told in the track Knock You Out)

Anytime in the club or the bar,

girls be acting like they retards!

Mad 'cause they man straight up rock hard

and he ain't even on my radar!

Tila Tequila rockstar!

Substance Abuse (as told in the track Get High)

I just want

To get high

(Like that)

Give me some pills

I just wanna party

Tonight

Relationship Ground Rules (as told in the track I Love You)

 You betta obey if you want my nookie,

You betta stop talkin' to all them hoochies.

You betta wise up and listen to me,

I will f*** you up!

Financial Planning (as told in the track Sugar Momma)

You need to just get up out my house

And be impressin me,

And buy me things,

Why I'm always buyin you this,

Buyin you that,

I don't never see you give nothing back

You need to get a job,

Or at least walk the dog,

Tila would later become engaged to heiress Casey Johnson who suddenly passed away in 2009. Miss Tequila would continue to make headlines concerning the relationship when she claimed that Johnson’s friends forcefully removed the late heiress’s dogs from her home with the intention of having them murdered and placed in the casket with Johnson. In early 2010, Tila claimed that Johnson had come to her in a vision, asking her to gain custody of Casey’s adopted daughter (apparently the dogs were not discussed.)

Wishing to place her this troubling past behind her, Tila agreed to showcase her music at the prestigious “Gathering of the Juggalos” music festive in Illinois. For the uninitiated, the juggalos (and juggalettes) are fans of the eclectic rap ensemble The Insane Clown Posse and the festive includes acts of similar caliber performing on a main stage.

After the crowd was warmed up by illustrious Tom Green, Tila took the stage and found herself immediately pelted by rocks, bottles, and projectile feces. In a valiant effort to earn the crowd’s attention and respect, Tila immediately removed her top and continued to serenade concertgoers despite their hostile remarks and continued use of flying turds.

Her resolve quickly changed when a well-aimed toss with a rock hit her in the face and cancelled her encore. She was then escorted to her trailer where the crowd smashed the windows in an apparent attempt to flush her out. She then sought refuge in an SUV which further irritated the juggali causing them to smash the vehicle’s windows as well.   

Tila has filed a lawsuit against the festival’s organizers in order to “bankrupt” them. The juggalos’ lawyers have not yet responded but inside reports have warned Miss Tila to watch her front porch for a flaming bag of rebuttal. Even so, destroying the financial ability of the Insane Clown Posse to sponsor an annual music festival may prove to be Tila’s greatest single contribution to humanity.

A Man, a Match, and a Koran

As September 11^th grows closer, many Americans will choose memorial services or prayer vigils to remember and honor those who lost their lives in the horrific attacks on our country. They will gather at churches, community centers, and in some cases the sites themselves to mark the tragedy that shook a nation. While these traditional displays of reverence may suit the majority of the populace, one man has decided that what our nation needs is a good old fashioned bonfire. That man is none other than Reverend Terry Jones (no relation to the Monty Python member) who helms the fifty member congregation of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. Pastor Jones has decided that he and his flock will gather copies of the Koran and set them ablaze on September 11^th in order to bring attention to the continuing threat that Islam poses to Christianity (and apparently, publishing).

Jones, who penned the brilliantly understated book Islam is of the Devil, believes that the actions of his congregation are directed by none other than the big man himself. The planned bonfire has drawn criticism from General David H. Petraeus, who feels that the negative reaction of Muslims could further endanger American troops fighting abroad. The Gainesville’s mayor publicly referred to the Dove Outreach Center as an "an embarrassment to our community” and vowed to do everything in his power to stop the demonstration. So far, the city has refused to grant Jones the necessary “open burn” permits because although burning books is not specifically prohibited, the burning of paper is.

Pastor Jones believes that his First Amendment right supersedes any ordinances and vows to continue as long as long as Jehovah gives him the green light. The worldwide notoriety surrounding his proposed actions caused demonstrators in Afghanistan to wrap an effigy of him in an American flag and burn both. Jones also claims to have received over a hundred death threats along with several copies of the Koran to burn. He has also received a number of unsolicited Pottery Barn catalogues but authorities are not sure if the incidents are related.

Fortunately for his congregation, Jones is no stranger to handling bad publicity. In March of this year, the Dove World Outreach Center drew criticism for erecting a large sign on its property that read “No Homo Mayor” in reference to then mayoral candidate and now mayor Craig Lowe who is openly gay. When the I.R.S. investigated the sign and warned the group they could lose their tax exempt status if they continued to participate in political activities they quickly removed the word “mayor” from the sign to make it less offensive.

While many have decried the group as “embarrassing” “intolerant” and even “un-American,” I personally feel that Pastor Jones is simply exercising his rights as an American. If the Dove World Outreach Center wishes to burn a few books who are we to judge. Like it or not, if all fifty members of that congregation want to put on a John Denver CD and set fire to all the first editions of Little House on the Prairie while dressed as woodland creatures, that is their right. I may not agree with it, but I don’t have to.

I do however; have some suggestions for the reverend:

·         If your church’s mission is to rid the world of all homosexuals, liberals, atheists, and members of any religion that does not adhere to your strictly fundamentalist view of Christianity, perhaps your use of the phrase “world outreach” should be reconsidered for the sake of clarity.

·         If you have amassed twice as many death threats as followers, you may want to reconsider your career path as a minister. Maybe a position in Congress is more your speed.

·         Before jumping to the mass burnings of a sacred text, it may be prudent to try out a bake sale or church bazaar just to ease you way into the whole “community event” arena. After all, even the Nazis started out slow.

·         In addition to succinct position statements, your church sign might also be used to advertise Sunday school times and worship schedules. For instance, if one were to use smaller font the sign could read:

                                                Sunday School 9:00 AM

                                                Worship 10:00 AM

                                                NO HOMOS!

·         The key to boosting attendance at any church sanctioned event is complimentary refreshments.

It remains to be seen whether or not Jones will carry out his plans this weekend, but if the safety of our troops truly depends on how the world interprets the actions of a few well-publicized citizens, someone had better put a lid on The Real Housewives of New Jersey….

Random Thoughts Part 3

·         I enjoy the fact that my microwavable Panini sandwich has artificial “grill lines” on it so that I can pretend I am actually having lunch at an upscale bistro in Europe instead of slumped on my couch at home watching a Jersey Shore marathon.

·      It is time someone put a stop to unnecessarily specific Facebook fan pages. It is no longer sufficient to like “water” or “puppies” so users are creating pages called: “Although chocolate is my favorite ice cream flavor and the lady at Baskin-Robbins once made a mistake and gave me vanilla, I did not call her attention to it because I fear that I will begin to define my self-worth according to the level of difficulty I create for people in food service jobs.” or “Don’t you hate it when you are diagnosed with a rare chromosomal deficiency that negatively impacts the dexterity of your left pinky?”

·         There is endless irony to be mined from the fact that both my bank and insurance company asks me to type in my social security number, birthday, and billing zip code to “protect my personal information.”

·         Where exactly is “The Disney Vault” and is it possible to purchase a safety deposit box inside of it?

·         In the name of all that is holy, please take the two extra seconds to put your shopping cart back in the parking lot cart receptacle after unloading it. It may be your only contribution to humanity and it prevents me from having a head-on collision with “ghost buggy.”

·         Is it irreverent to place a family picnic area in a cemetery?

·         Should I be concerned that the plastic recycling bin that I purchased from a local office store is not, itself, recyclable?

·         Dear Mel Gibson,

Perhaps the next time you are pulled over for DUI it would be best if you limited your responses to “Yes Officer” or “No Officer.” An intoxicated traffic stop may not be the best forum to air your grievances against the entire Jewish race.

·         Why do bands think that it is profound to display abstract images on the “jumbotron” during their concerts? I once saw a show where the band’s entire set-list was accompanied by what looked to be a looped surveillance tape from a public transit system playing in the background. If I have already paid $50 for my seat, please do not insult my intelligence by subjecting me to the Claymation video of an alien having coffee with Ronald Ragan on a speed boat that your nephew made in Final Cut Pro. And by the way, your songs are still awful even if you christen them with seemingly profound names like “Incandescent Darkness” or “Triathlete Revisionist Narcolepsy.”

·         What qualifications does one have to poses to be considered a “mogul?”

·         I think that Wal-Mart should give an award for the most awkward combination of three items purchased in a single transaction. Some examples might be: 

•           A family size can of Roadhouse chili, fabric stain remover, and a shovel
•           Two pints of anti-freeze, a box of instant grits, and a case of adult diapers. 
•           Super-glue, a cabbage patch doll, and a copy of The Purpose Driven Life. 
•          Pictionary, a home pregnancy test, and a box of handgun ammunition.
•       NyQuil, a roll of duct tape, and a sympathy card.  

·         I am authoring a law that would prevent people from commenting on YouTube videos. I am tired of looking up a clip and having to read a never ending argument between str8pimpN and buk4thelimo over who is a bigger “homo.”  You are both internationally-documented morons.

·         I have developed a fool-proof platform on which to run for public office. My stances are as follows:

•  Opposed to cancer, child-abuse, and gang violence (or any combination of the three)
•   Firmly committed to less over-spending
•   Favors education over non-education
•   Pro-Democracy
•   Anti-Starvation
•   Pro-Justice
•   Anti-Injustice

·         If you choose to communicate using makeshift acronyms, please ensure that their meanings are widely established first. This chart should help:

Widely Recognized	Obscure
LOL – Laugh Out Loud	GSHISM – Giggling So Hard I Soiled Myself
OMG – Oh My God	SFM – Sweet Fancy Moses
IDK – I Don’t Know	INLTR – I Never Learned to Read

When a Man (Sort Of) Loves Woman

Five years ago, Lynn France flew to Italy with her fiancé John and they enjoyed a blissful wedding ceremony. In the years that followed the couple had two children together and settled into a beautiful home in Westlake, Ohio, where they planned to continue building their family.

Things began going south, however, when John began exhibiting the three W’s of marital infidelity:

·         Working Late

·         Weekend Trips

·         White Lies

Lynn began to suspect deception when he starting going on international business trips without his passport. She later followed him to a hotel where she found him with another woman who claimed to be his fiancé. The woman even informed Lynn that they were registered at Target (in case she wanted to get them a little something.) After Lynn confronted John, he claimed the whole thing was now over and they were never really going to get married anyway.

Feeling that her husband might not be completely honest with her, Lynn did what any self-respecting American does to gauge the health of their own marriage: she checked Facebook. After several minutes of searching she came across the Facebook page of the mistress that had been having “extracurricular contact” with her husband. She claims that it was just to make sure that she and John had actually broken things off.

Lynn did not have to look far, because the woman’s profile contained hundreds of photos from her 2008 wedding to Lynn’s current husband.  The ceremony had taken place at Disney World and apparently the couple had sprung for the “Bigamy Enchantment Package” as John was dressed as Prince Charming and his spare fiancé was dressed as Sleeping Beauty; both of them were surrounded by costumed employees of the park.

Understandable taken aback to discover that she had a tropical sister-wife, Lynn has filed for divorce and Florida authorities are investigating charges of bigamy against John. He has since taken the couple’s two children back with him to Florida and the couple is engaged in a bitter divorce and custody battle as John’s attorney claims that he and Lynn’s marriage in Italy was not real because of a “paperwork issue.”

• John’s behavior has inspired me to pen a list of directives for men in his shoes:      If you are an unfaithful man who wishes to keep his second wife a secret, perhaps a costumed wedding at the world’s busiest amusement park should not be your first step. Might I suggest the “Mistress Ultimatum Package” from a local chapel instead? 
•   If you are unable to steer your backup wife toward a low-key ceremony, the next step would be to make sure that she does not post 200 captioned photos of the event on her completely public Facebook profile.
•  If you are unable to satisfy the first two requirements and your first wife discovers said indiscretions, I would advise against the “I didn’t think that we were really married” defense. This is just one step away from the marital amnesia defense “I remember now! I do have a wife and children!” 
• If you find yourself unable to follow any of the previous directions and decide to go with the “I never believed we were really married defense,” you probably shouldn’t continue to file joint tax returns with your fake wife even after marrying your real one. It could pose a credibility issue later

John has since claimed that Lynn was aware of his Disney wedding when it occurred, and is feigning shock now as a publicity ploy. This implies that John broke the news to her ahead of time, and it took her two years to decide he might not be a good spouse. I can only imagine how the conversation went the day he left for Florida in 2008:

Lynn: “Why all the suitcases?”

John: “I told you honey, I have a seminar on integrated corporate synergy directives in Orlando.”

Lynn: “I thought you sold pool filters”

John: “Look, I don’t have time to get into this now or I will miss the keynote address on disambiguation of unspecific data aggregation.”

Lynn: “Why do you have a 3-pack of men’s tights, a scepter, and a family pass to the Magic Kingdom in your carry-on?”

John: “I didn’t want you to find out this way, but I there is no synergy conference. I am dressing up as Prince Charming and marrying the woman I told you I was not going to maintain contact with in a theme-wedding based on a beloved children’s fairy-tale.”

Lynn: “How am I supposed to trust you after this?”

John: “It doesn’t mean anything. I didn’t even spring for the pumpkin carriage rental…”

It also bothers me that Lynn took him at his word concerning the whole “my relationship with my mistress is not serious” thing. Let’s get real; there is no greater sign of emotional commitment that Target’s gift registry. Besides, I am not sure a man who doesn’t even have the presence of mind to take his passport on a fake international flight is that great a catch. All we can hope is that the kids get something close to a fairytale ending…..