Dinos & Damsels

I am, and always have been, a fan of the written word. While I enjoy both fiction and non-fiction literature, there are some genres I have no desire to venture into. In the past, this list was limited to DIY texts concerning medical procedures and Glen Beck novels. Today, that list got a new entry: Dinosaur erotica. Available digitally from major retailers like Amazon and Barnes and Noble, the basic premise involves a cavewoman, an extinct reptile, and the love that dare not speak its name.

 

This niche category is currently dominated by authors Christie Sims and Alara Branwen whose works include “Ravished by the Triceratops” and “Taken by a T-Rex.” In addition to paleolithic erotica, they also have an impressive canon of amorous tales involving mythical beasts such as “Riding the Dragon” and “Taken by the Pegasus.”

I did become confused while browsing their “Mounted by the Gryphon” series since the cover art featured a “griffin” superimposed over a bikinied woman. It turns out that “gryphon” is actually the geological term for an active mud volcano. This means that either the author was confused, or this novel is even filthier than I initially suspected.

 

How large an audience can these novels have? How many people watched Jurassic Park and thought to themselves, “I can’t believe Spielberg didn’t capitalize on the obvious sexual chemistry between Laura Dern and that velociraptor!” Perhaps it was inevitable that Americans would reach a place where humans making sweet love to contemporary animals just wasn’t pushing the envelope far enough, I am just disappointed that I was around to witness it.

 

Personally, I feel that there is a missed opportunity for a romantic-comedy when you have a T-Rex involved with a cavewoman. Aside from the obvious miscommunication setups, can you imagine the hilarious shenanigans that would ensue as the stubby-armed dinosaur attempted to embrace his date or uncork a bottle of champagne? Put that Tyrannosaurus in a situation where he has to work a bra and you’ve got comedy gold!

 

These novels exemplify both the blessing and the curse of the self-publishing model because it fosters creativity but does so in a manner that often bypasses the vetting process of a large publishing house. I imagine that a traditional book proposal setting would have generated a rather humorous rejection e-mail:

 

While we appreciate the creativity and talent displayed in your submitted manuscript, we here at Random House don’t feel the timing is right to release the Brontosaurus Bondage Chronicles. We would, however, be interested in a children’s book adaptation if you would be willing to slightly alter Heather’s relationship to the story’s protagonist and throw in a few counting activities for good measure. 

 

While I find the content more than a little unsettling, I support these authors’ freedom to publish their works. That being said, if I worked in the legal department at PBS I would file a pre-emptive injunction against these ladies before they utilize Dinosaur Train in a whole different context.  

 

Pastor Bob & The Teen Angels

Like many parents, I fear that ballooning college tuition costs may jeopardize my son’s ability to obtain a graduate degree. Outside of scholarships or financial assistance, my child may be forced to choose between being under-educated or over-indebted. Fortunately, there is a viable alternative for those who seek higher education at a reasonable price point: The International School of Exorcism.

Located in Denver, Colorado, the ISE is America’s premier training facility for identifying, categorizing, and confronting unclean spirits of the netherworld. Offering three levels of expertise (Apprentice, Warrior, and Exorcist) and courses like “Basic Curse Breaking” and “Ancestral Generational Dissociation & Dissociated Soul Transference”, the ISE provides a skill set most liberal arts universities could only dream of for a fraction of the cost. For only $2,500, you can acquire an exorcism certification accredited by none other than the International Freedom Church. The FAQ does caution that certain credits are unlikely to transfer.

It turns out that both the school (and the International Freedom Church that accredits it) are creations of Pastor Bob Larson who bills himself as the world’s preeminent demonologist. Having appeared on numerous television programs and written several self-help volumes such as “UFO's and the Alien Agenda” and “Rock & Roll: The Devil's Diversion”, Larson is on a mission to rid the world of demons. For those willing to part with $9.95, his website even offers an online diagnostic tool that can assess your level of possession from the comfort of your own home.

Recently, he re-entered the public consciousness by cleverly marketing his daughter and her two friends as “teenage exorcists”. Having been thoroughly trained at the ISE, the girls traverse the globe with Pastor Bob rebuking unclean spirits and accepting donations. The girls reveal that satanic possession can occur simply by reading Harry Potter novels, watching horror movies or having extra-marital intercourse (a condition they refer to as “sexually transmitted demons”).  While some have questioned Pastor Larson’s utilization of young girls to confront nefarious spirits of the underworld, he is quick to admit that “our female, teenage exorcists are particularly effective at curing the possessed”.

Pastor Bob and his Teenage Exorcists

Aside from a well-worn Bible and youthful complexion, each of the protégées wields a “Cross of Deliverance” personally anointed by Pastor Larson. For those unable to secure an audience with Bob’s team to resolve their demonic infirmity, they can have their own “Cross of Deliverance” sent to their home simply by making a donation of at least $100 to the exorcism ministry. Investors are assured that each and every “Cross of Deliverance” was personally anointed by Larson and is guaranteed to “be recognized in Hell as a visible extension of confidence in the victory over Satan by the Crucifixion of Christ”.

I must admit that Pastor Larson’s circular web of self-accreditation is nothing short of brilliant. It takes aptitude to found a church and then utilize that same church to legitimize a school of exorcism; both of which rely solely on the reputation and expertise of a man who, by all appearances, holds nothing more substantial than a high school diploma. “Credits are unlikely to transfer” might be a rather optimistic statement. I can just see some poor incoming sophomore causing a scene in their counselor’s office at UMass:

“What do you mean Intro to Malevolent Soul Transference doesn’t qualify as an applied science credit! I can tell you that it sure felt “applied” when I was immersed in the sulfurous breath of the unholy masses while attempting to disrupt a Polynesian radish curse!”

I was somewhat disappointed that Pastor Bob didn’t elaborate on the singular effectiveness of teenage girls on satanic minions. Is it their innate spiritual perceptiveness? Do their nurturing predispositions exude a child-like innocence impenetrable by the forces of darkness? The cynical might suspect Bob is simply leveraging attractive young women to increase his media exposure, and by extension, his income; but I choose to believe that he has discovered an exorcism loophole overlooked by the Catholic Church.

Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of Pastor Bob’s empire would have to be the “Cross of Deliverance”. The website features unattributed testimonials such as ““My wife was ill. When I touched her with the Cross I got at Bob’s seminar, she was completely healed!” While the site does not provide specific details concerning the wife’s affliction, I naturally assumed that he was referring to explosive diarrhea. While some might consider $100 excessive for a novelty crucifix, it isn’t every day that one gets an opportunity to procure an item that can claim to be instantly “recognized in Hell”.

While it is tempting to dismiss Larson’s school as the mechanisms of a practiced charlatan, Americans have spent several thousand dollars on less marketable skills than exorcism (Hospitality Management Degrees, Frasier trivia, etc ). And, if their theories of demonic transmission are correct, there should be no shortage of clientele in the foreseeable future. Pastor Bob just better hope one of his teen angels doesn’t get caught rounding second base with some random guy at a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or all that notoriety he has cultivated could backfire.

Random Ideas

Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock - For the low, low price of $19.99 you can be gently coaxed from your slumber by Zach de la Rocha reminding you that oversleeping (as well as political apathy) is to be avoided at all costs. Pressing the snooze button more than three times in a one hour period will trigger rare live performance of “Sleep Now in the Fire”. The first 100 orders will come with Che Guevara duvet covers. Audio Clip.

Medical Entitlement Liaisons – Do you find yourself yearning for the plethora of “no cost to you” medical supplies advertised on television only to find yourself sidetracked by more pressing matters? Now you can hire a consultant to represent you and insure you get the mail-order medical apparatuses you deserve. Why spend hours on the phone answering invasive questions like “are you actually disabled” or “why does your German Shepard need a glucometer“  when you can pay a one-time retainer fee and within a few weeks find your front porch inundated by power-chairs and discreet catheters?

The Junk-Filter– This handy smartphone app will automatically screen for attempts to send illicit photos of male reproductive organs via text message. If such a situation arises, the program will quietly substitute a photo of a kitten snuggling a bunny and overwrite sexually-suggestive dialogue with motivational quotes. It is a must have for the Congressman or professional athlete on your Christmas list!

I have something I need to share with you….in my pants.... becomes: Success is often a side effect of a positive attitude!

Car Shopping Surrogates – If you are like me and dread the prospect of spending an entire Saturday listening to Smarmy Chett preface all his statements with “We don’t normally do this…” then I have a service for you. It connects automobile shoppers with recent parolees. You simply connect locate the vehicle you desire, identify a price you are willing to pay, and let “Icepick Willie” negotiate on your behalf. You would be amazed at how accommodating the sales manager becomes once your surrogate announces that he uses his spare time to help “snitches find ditches”. You have everything to gain by choosing someone with nothing to lose!

Medical Alert Locater - For years, medic alert bracelets and necklaces have given solitary senior citizens with limited mobility the peace of mind that comes with knowing that they can summon assistance with the push of a button. But what happens when you misplace your medical alert necklace and cannot find it? Crawling around and looking for it could lead to a debilitating injury and, ironically, create the very situation you purchased the medical alert system for in the first place.

For a nominal fee, you could purchase a medical alert necklace locater necklace. This necklace would audibly beep to guide you toward your misplaced medical alert necklace, the closer you got, the more rapidly it would beep. If, in the unlikely event you misplaced both your medical alert necklace and your medical alert necklace locater necklace, we also offer a medical alert necklace locater necklace locater bracelet giving you the peace of mind you deserve.    

A Baby Story Part 14 (Thoughts at 6 Months)

Appearance – I believe my son to be the most adorable child I have ever seen, but to be completely honest there are still moments where he radiates a Joe Lieberman / Alfred Hitchcock vibe. This doesn’t particularly concern me since children tend to change so much as they grow and I am more concerned with his health and happiness than with his esthetics.

Also, as a general rule I never engage in the hereditary attribute mad-libs so popular when friends and relatives see a baby for the first time. I do not possess the ability to discern whether or not a newborn inherited Uncle Ernie’s chin or cousin Sara’s “lack of shame”.

Eating – The only thing my child will not voluntarily place in his mouth is food. Toys, remotes, sunglasses, books, clothing, and extremities all find their way into mouth one way of the other. The only way to prevent this behavior is to place specifically-formulated, exorbitantly-priced infant food within his grasp. If I were to misplace say, a drill bit, I can guarantee you he would try and swallow it; but I can rest assured knowing that he is in no immediate danger of him choking on blueberry-flavored Gerber Graduates hand-cereal.

Clothing – I tend to look at clothing from a rather utilitarian standpoint. At its most basic, my clothing provides on-hand storage while allowing me to comply with state and local decency laws. If it was not for my wife, my son would wear onsies until he was old enough to verbally object. Onesies are the “jeans and a t-shirt” for the recently birthed; inexpensive, practical, and can be as classy or offensive as screen printing allows.    

I was tasked with dressing him for church one Sunday only to have my wife shake her head in frustration because I had not selected one of his “good outfits”. When I pointed out that I had even gone to the trouble of adding a pair of faux shorts to the ensemble, she insisted on walking me to the closet and going through orientation again. Unforgivably, I had also neglected to place shoes on his feet; an apparent necessity for anyone unable to stand upright.

Competitiveness – As is the case later in life, we parents have the powerful desire to compare our offspring’s achievements with those of others. In infancy, this requires a more creative approach to immodesty. One parent might mention that their daughter is in the 75^th percentile for cranial growth which leads another parent to announce that their daughter is in the 98^th percentile for fecal output.

Sometimes we get so insecure that we perceive slights where they don’t exist. “Did you hear the condescending way Darlene asked if our son was able to sit up yet? Like her kid is some kind of genius. He still has the babinski reflex of a third-world preemie!” This mindset often leads to another pitfall of parenting: judgment.

Judgment – Everyone enjoys judging parents, but no group does so with greater relish or impunity than other parents. Having successfully procreated, we can now disparage other parent’s choices without fear of being discredited by our own inexperience. Clearly this doesn’t necessarily make our points any more valid or constructive, but it does make us feel better about our own shortcomings.

For instance, I recently made the acquaintance of a woman after my son and her 9-month old daughter began “talking” to one another. The adorable little girl was sporting a onesie that said “Sexy And I Know It” in large font. While I would not place such an item on my daughter (toddler or otherwise) and thought less of the woman for choosing to do so, it is possible that this mother was simply using the outfit as ironic commentary on the degree to which society correlates a woman’s value with her physical attractiveness. Either way, it did make me feel better about laughing at the “Made in VaChina” onesie I had seen earlier….